disaster is in the air. totally just a gut feeling for me, but it’s just one of those days where things have already started off rather badly, and it just gives you an on-edge feeling for the rest of the day. normally nothing happens, and the day just goes by like any other. but here, in this moment, there is a sense of foreboding, that everything that has already happened today is just part of the crescendo up to something worse, if the trend continues.

i can point at it though, and just be like “dude, you’re all anxious because some things happened this morning that made your body release all these chemicals to deal with the situation. they don’t just remetabolize into your body the instant you want to change your mood.” which makes total sense to me. i guess it’s just that balance between emotions and reason, where i’d like to think that they’re two compartments that have release valves. One or both gets released into the reservoir, and it is dealt with depending on the concentrations. There are no compartments though, just one giant reservoir, with everything in it constantly fighting for homeostasis.

there is something deep here, something at the fabric of what makes me uneasy. something about everything around me that brings joy and sorrow, and assigns some meaning to it. chemicals that were designed to enhance survivalbility were not meant to be applied to consicousness, as far as i can tell. it really just leaves us at the mercy of our own evolution, where time is immaterial and we’ll get there when we get there. that gives me no solace, but i really wonder if anything can? not to be overly futile or anything.

my brother posed the idea of asking the question “why am i doing this?” before everything you do. it has snuck in and pervaded my thought processes so hard. the first respone is normally, “yeah, why the hell are you doing this?” and then maybe a few more questions linger in my mind while i actually proceed to do the task anyways. for me, it doesn’t take long before such questions start hitting an existential wall, and end up focused on the big picture and what it means in the grand scope, which can’t be helped. these questions would probably be more valuable if i tightened my scope, but then i think, valuable? right…..let’s just start assigning some value to ideas around here.

why am i doing this?