man, i really wanted to write something yesterday, but things just got too busy. i was in a weird mood, and things were just bubbling up that were the good type of crazy, and now hardly any of it is retained. ah well, it’ll happen again sometime. It did get used well going to a rave, being twice as old as everyone there. while i was in line i heard one guy say “I feel ancient here” and he said he was 21. but i guess the mindset was different. that guy was probably there to party and meet girls and shit. i was just there to dance and see my friend play a set. being ancient has nothing to do with it. it was an amusing thought to me that the girl on the floor (she called herself “hearts”) getting a light show was in 1st grade about the time i started raving. that time, it sure does fly. it was good to see how strong the scene was still going though. i was a little surprised at first, but then i realized kids are always going to need a place to be idiots and do drugs. raves are ideal for that.

i was musing about my states of mind though, i remember that much. mostly because i was feeling a little off, but in a jokey, happy-go-lucky way. it was a day for hats. it was a day to revel in a feeling. it was a day. everyday was pretty much the same, but day-to-day its path basically depends on how i wake up in the morning. which, when i thought about it, was pretty awesome. if i could just wake up everyday and tell myself with utter conviction “today is going to be awesome” things would become even more static than they are now, as i would look at everyday the same as the last and hence always come to the same conclusions about problems that appear different on the surface, but in reality are basically all the same thing. or not. these things are kind of circumstantial, especially when resorting to sheer speculation.

it lead down a path towards optimism and pessimism though, which i had been thinking about for a bit since ben brought it up awhile ago. not that anyone asked for my opinion, but if you’re here reading this, then technically you are. i know i’m an optimist in most regards, but it stems from pessimissim. pretty much everytime i point out something optimistic, it is coming from the idea that things could have been worse. but i guess the application of optimisim/pessimissim really just roots itself in how you look at a situation, and then decide how you’re going to deal with it, however you want to define your reality. it may be an expression more cued by environment, but i believe the groundwork is already laid to react to the environment. optimistic (with it’s tinge of pessimisim) thoughts automatically pop into my head, so i figure people must have the same thing happen to them with pessimistic thoughts. so what it boils down to is it doesn’t matter, there’s no right or wrong here. with every facet i have as a person, i adjust to living life the way i feel is best, as i imagine most everyone else does. even being delusional has it’s place. it gets some ideas out there. i guess in these times you just have to hope that these people aren’t your leaders, but then at the same time, that is also a part of the interest factor. people who think differently than me make me think differently, it’s about the only source of growth i got. maybe not even growth, but more of something just to help classify the ideas in my life, giving them some sort of merit. which could be growth. i’m not sure i care anymore.

not that i think i’m perfect or don’t want to grow, i just don’t actively think about it anymore. good (fill in the blank), bad (fill in the blank), it just feels like thought exercises to me these days, stemming from the fact that i’m really comfortable with myself. looking at ideas and just objectively picking them apart for the hell of it, like taking apart a lawnmower and putting it back together. and it’s not even close to as concrete as that lawnmower, which is probably why i don’t take it so seriously. i just pick these things apart because i’m naturally curious, and end up where i end up. the more i define, the less it makes sense, so what’s the hurry?

when you die, does the degree to which you had life pegged make a difference? or are all these ideas and thoughts to be used now, to get what you can while you’re here? the vicious cycle of being conscious is in the attempt to understand it.

at what point does that become old?