sometimes my brains amuses me without even trying. songs stuck in my head today (so far):

Golliwog’s cakewalk – a piece i remember playing back when i was just starting orchestra
The Veldt – very repetitive piece of music that played on the veldt in FF3
Damn it feels good to be a gangster – of Office Space fame
Jupiter – From Holst’s “the Planets”

not only have they been stuck in my head, i have been tunefully whistling them around the lab(you’re welcome, fellow co-workers). these are all songs from at least over a decade ago (in terms of their being introduced to me). apparently, my brain wants to revisit my musical past. after all, it is the soundtrack of our lives.

i imagine that the classical stuff has been coming up again because i have been practicing violin again. this time i realized i should actually play along with music though, if i’m not going to take the time to bother and learn keys (maybe someday). whenever i play by myself with no music, it’s still fun, but i end up getting stuck in the muscle memory patterns i’ve always done with an occasional break from the norm that i notice but soon forget (look out, life metaphore). playing with music, any music, is a bit more challenging, but brings with it lots of variety. i am finding rhythms and tones i didn’t know i had in me, and loving it. playing some violin along with cypress hill, then some pink floyd, then some nicklecreek take so much thought on my part to switch gears, but that’s what i need. when you’re trained on a violin, you’re basically the melody man the entire time, and switching up playing the ryhthm, or the bassline is something i need to develop.

but i look at this as fun! it feels like everything around me has an edge of competition to it, a feeling of needing to better something, take it to a more complex level. be the best (blank) you can be. and sure, these are necesary activities. but lately, i just look around at my life and realize that deep down, i’ve never wanted my life to be one comeptition after another, which is kind of the accepted norm for growth. struggle and grow, right?

lately, i’ve just been trying to take stock of what i have now, and am leaving future betterment out of it. and i find myself here, writing about it. but the question that bugs me is “what more do i need to be happier?”, with the emphasis on the “happier”. because the sky’s the limit when you use words implying there could be more. and i realize when i’m dissatisfied with myself or my life it’s because i could be doing things that would make me “happier”, and all the indiscreetness of all these values just drives me nuts, also making me wonder why i even get myself so riled up about it. probably because “happier” can be broken down into other people’s values. sigh.

so it’s just you and me, violin. i’ll never be the best, but we’re gonna have a whole lot of fun on the way. and wherever we’re going, we’ll get there.