i can just grab my head by it’s ear handles and pour it out. it feels like it wants to dump something out to make some more room, but it feels like doing it indiscriminately, as opposed to times where it is done through a strainer. everything must go! get rid of it, quick, quick. nothing to make room for, just a need to generate space.

so maybe i can do that. i just don’t know if i can string together the words that are going to be coming out if i really go for it. can’t dump them without putting them in order, and a lack of desire to put them in order. just go with it, dude. this is the life you live, a quest for something you don’t understand, and wouldn’t really want to. how deep can we go here? there’s some depths i’ve been looking to plumb, just to see if there’s a bottom. but i already know the answer to that one, there is no bottom to this, only time to generate a quick map of that which i am capable of knowing.

find new depths, get acclimated, then go deeper.

that’s the idea anyways, the way my mind keeps itself occupied when it’s looking to challenge its existence. it works out OK. but lets try and keep the dumping coming along. it’s not just enough to challenge my existence, there has to be some meaning tacked on. meaning that i develop, and grow comfortable with. i feel like i have this down to an art these days, i find it hard to develop an opinion because i see too many sides and think that it all sounds like it could be right. at least in trivial things like politics and ideas. i mean, this body was mostly designed to avoid being eaten by something bigger than it, in purely physical terms. now, all of those pathways that were cued to fire when a bear was chasing you are still there, but now you don’t get chased by bears and these same pathways fire when you get stuck in traffic. our bodies can’t keep up with our minds, despite these bodies being the most amazing machine ever conceived by something divine or random chance (notice the lack of opinion on how we got here… i think that stems from some matters being immaterial whether it is believed one way or the other). we are outracing evolution by light years, in hopes that we can emulate it a bit ourselves (digitally or organically), with some morality tacked on to it. who knows, it could work. i may or may not be around when it does, but it wouldn’t really make a difference. humanity is so huge at this point, that just our existence is going to carry ideas into the future. they may be repeats from time to time, but as long as it isn’t completely wiped out, it will keep moving forward, towards something i cannot even fathom. i at least get to be on the train for a bit, with an acute sense that i am immaterial to that around me, yet am also all that there is. and what of it? look at that idea for what it is, and realize how nice it is to pull in a lungful of air, walk the most trivial distance, see, hear and experience it all, and catalog it for later. i can get so caught up in dramas created for me, that i can lose sight of the own i create for myself, even if the two are intertwined. it’s easy to focus on what others do to you, as opposed to what you do to yourself. it’s kinda the ego’s job, and as much as i’d like to pretend i want to separate myself from my ego, i know it’s about the only thing keeping my life interesting. keep those emotions coming, and apply them to ideas in hugely internal ways.

plumb the depths so that you at least have an idea of how long it’s going to take you to come up for air.