ahh, the joy of living. the joy of being able to question what and who you are. the joy. it’s there, in everything. even the negative can be grabbed and twisted to show the joy it represents. one stems from the other, linked and bonded, just sitting there.

apparently, there is much to accomplish in this life. that’s what i hear from so many others. so sure, why not, i go out and accomplish a few things. i skate by on assumptions because they are widely held, and in some fashion, bought into by me. sometimes it feels like the right thing to do. sometimes it doesn’t. but what difference does it make if i feel it is better or worse in some fashion? some stuff happens, some stuff gets done, and i go along with it, trying to get my greasy fingers around the concept of myself and my role in this universe. i epitomize arbitrary and am loving it. i mean, isn’t it silly that one off-handed comment can ruin your day? or that a song can become a focal point of all the feelings you experience? that something as silly as crisp cold air can feel inspiring? how do you nail all this down?

i guess you don’t…that nailing it down would take alot away from it. it’s not that there is joy inherent in things that can’t change themselves, but joy in your ability to arbitrarily decide what joy is pulled from that unchanging object. again with the perception defining reality, defining self. here i am, ready to define. i like that.

i am very glad i ran that marathon. it’s basically the most spiritual part of my life, doing (what some people call) crazy endurance tests for my body. it punishes the body and makes it stronger, and frees the mind. i had and (still have) an overwhelming feeling of being able to do anything, of unbridled joy stemming from extreme elation and exhaustion, a pay off for all the miles i ran the previous months. there’s no way to describe it, it just makes me feel like i’m on good terms with my life, everything else be damned.

i can be who i want, when i want, and not have to justify it to anyone or anything, because it truly only matters to me. joy is inherent in all the choices of what i try and bring into my life, and i just have to pick it out.

so i guess i should just grab a bucket, head out to the u-pick patch, and fill it until it overflows.

daylight’s a wastin’.