Monthly Archives: January 2010

Poem

my life can be summed up in this moment.

at work, waiting for a gel to set so i can go home.

i don’t really expect much of myself these days.

I’m just tired of creating input from my internal self, and would rather just wait and have it brought to me.

or just sit and wait for it to come.

it always does.

Witness

the more i witness, the more i am mystified. how do people carry themselves through this life?

i am privy to other people’s perspectives, though they may not know it. they subject me to it just by inviting me to join in their social events. i can’t help but draw conclusions and silently observe. what the hell else am i supposed to do when no one expects you to speak? be silent and fulfill your expectations, bitch. you’re old.
i can see the motivations behind wanting to scream at the youth, but am mystified by those who want to try and do so. i mean, you have to have perspective of how you felt when you were young, but apply that perspective now. you know listening is something that will come later…at this stage, living awesomely comes first. there’s this balance point of narcissism that becomes so much clearer once you get some scope of its depths and heights, and what both mean to you. so when does it lead to a stage where it become your obligation to spread what you think is practical wisdom? what frame of mind? i mean, for as long as i’ve known, it’s tough enough to get people to listen to music recommendations, let alone ideas. we’re all busy….but when you’re young, you have more time to be publicly awesome.
I know it’s nothing against me, it’s just the velocity of life. everyone feels busy these days, me included. what can i do but observe, reflect, and enjoy?

Mad Rad

shows like last night’s Mad Rad extravaganza only come along once in awhile. it’s not often you get to mosh at a hip-hop show, but it happens when it’s appropriate. my face is still rocked, macklemore set it up, and those guys burned the fucking house down.

Are You OK With This?

occasionally, meaning amplifies itself. i’m struck by something i felt i’ve run into the ground, but all of the sudden, it has a different meaning. maybe not different per se, but more nuanced. i look at it, and think a little, and wonder why i never saw it like this before. then it gets cataloged, and maybe i come here and yak about it a little, mostly during times like these. you know who you are, times. other times it just slips away, and i’ll get reminded of it occasionally.

my whole damn life is a series of events like this, and there is no stopping it. there is an inevitability to being doomed to my patterns of thought for the rest of my life, so i better damn well be OK with it. so that question gets asked, constantly.

ARE YOU OK WITH THIS?

there’s a million different situations to apply this to, but most of the time, it leads back to a little voice that goes “sure, why not?”. this could just as easily lead to a response of “no, why?” which does happen. then you get all 4 year old on it and can ask why until your ears bleed.

but then you go and do something like ask why not. and it nips that little problem in the bud. why not? it’s tough to refute when it’s that subjective, so it gets shut down right there. you can question the validity of why not, think of some parameters where there might be a reason for the not to not be a valid idea, but overthinking it doesn’t refute it. it’s subjective!

subjectivity: a key component to sanity. get hip to it.

Memory

something i realized earlier today. this blog is awesome. if it wasn’t for this, my brain would be half its size, half full, or half developed. something along those lines. this blog keeps track of things my brain cannot.

thank you.

Get On With It

today would be a good day to blog. when you come into work on what’s supposed to be your day off, you feel a little not here when you are. it’s like “i’m here to help you out, so whatever i get done would be better than me not being here.” it’s not like i’m not working as hard as i usually do, it’s just that my mindframe is just a little checked out. it’s a fine balance between getting paid bank to be here, and the fact that i could be brewing today. today’s extra proceeds go towards my new brakes, and an ounce of hops. when i buy that ounce (or maybe two) of hops i’m gonna be staring at them and telling them “i earned you working on a monday” then both i and the hops will smile inwardly.

i was thinking about luck the other day, because i heard someone saying “if it wasn’t for bad luck, i’d have none at all” which is a funny little jibe at some self-deprecation, but it made me think about how i feel about my luck. i get pegged as a positive person, but i feel it comes from some deeply held cynicism that things could always be worse. so, since things could be worse at any given moment, there’s no reason not to be positive. that’s how i break it down anyways. but that’s how i look at luck, i chalk luck up to happening to be in a certain space or time while something happens to affect that space or time. in other words, random chance. as far as i’m concerned, random chance is my god. it dictates how my life proceeds. a fine balance between the measures i try and take to mitigate myself from harm, and preparation to ride the wave of chance when it’s going my way, if i feel like it.

so i guess that’s kinda the crux. oppertunities for good luck can be shied away from, or at least transferred to someone else, while bad luck is something you’re probably going to be stuck dealing with. that’s why i think people who lament about their bad luck probably want it anyways. if you didn’t have bad luck, you’d have none at all, and then where would you be as a person? random chance happens, and it gets dealt with. if you focus on whatever luck you have in everything from finding a soulmate to finding a parking spot for the movies, there’s your realm of scope. if this is the scope you are happy with, then kudos! if you want to change your scope, you will eventually, given enough time and pressure. living life takes care of itself, if you let it. i guess i consider myself lucky, but it’s more synonymous with being blessed and fortunate. i enjoy riding the waves when i feel like it, and bobbing around if i feel like it, i have these luxuries.

i suppose that’s why someone at some point said “luck is what you make of it.” too true. cliches exist for a reason, and that reason is that it’s a distilled idea with all of the meaning but none of the foundation that went in to building it. it exists as an idea with minimal force, unless you start throwing some weight behind it. even then, you’re only justifying it to yourself. so there you go self, a focal point for you to focus your scope on, put into way better terms than you could have coined. another idea accepted and cataloged, with some subjective ideas to justify them to your self and anyone else who may come asking questions. because really, you gotta be ready for the moment when opportunity meets preparedness…someone else at somepoint said that was what good luck is, but i don’t think i’m ready for that cliche yet. i’m more behind the one that 90% of life is just showing up. good luck or bad, neither is going to happen if you don’t put yourself in a space where random chance is more likely to occur.

more likely to occur…ha! good one. especially since you just equated random chance to being your god. good thing they let just anyone publish their ideas on the internet. In the end though, I am lucky to be able to write such novel and relevant things, and be a minute part of all this randomness. with some sense of self, no less.

lucky!