Monthly Archives: August 2010

Believe

Now that I’m not debilitatingly tired and have some time for reflection I keep coming back to what I just accomplished, and what it means in my life. I climbed that mountain for no reason, really. I did it because my friends had an idea to do it and I went along. Because, why not? Climb the mountain because it’s there and I hear mountain climbing is tough. I’ve pushed myself before, but never like this. Still, I was well trained, had advice and advisers, and all the gear I needed.

I found that was only half of it though, I saw truly how important being mentally prepared is than physical training. This is one of those ideas that is driven into you a million times by others, telling you that your mental attitude is huge in the things you want to accomplish. Of course, I was aware of this idea, I feel like I’ve used it before. I said in the previous post that I couldn’t believe that I had done it, but I think there was alot coming in, and I couldn’t place all of  it.

Upon looking back, I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could do it. I just knew I could, and then I started to see myself as my attitudes beyond my ego. Seeing my limitations and the things I can accomplish and the insignificance of it all, really. Seeing myself for who I am, and what is important to me. Believing in myself, utterly. Needless to say, it’s tough to describe without sounding like a cliched douchebag.

I’ve been hearing “It is what it is” more and more these days , and I mean alot. I feel like it’s popping up everywhere, that people are accepting things because there’s not really any other option. The phrase bugs me a little, a catch-all phrase that can act as a band-aid for actual analysis. I might be biased because I still think “So it goes” is better. But the idea is there, floating through people’s minds, describing a feeling. One by one, these ideas start webbing together and a belief is born. It comes from somewhere, it is tangible.

But there I was, standing on top of a mountain, looking out upon it all, feeling I was supposed to have a huge sense of accomplishment of what i had just achieved. At least extremely humbled or something. I didn’t though, I had just done it because I knew I was going to. In the moment it happened, I was too preoccupied with exhaustion and time constraints to bring it all home. Looking back at it now though, I see how it comes together, how believing doesn’t make it so.  Believing is what it is. It is what I am, it is what I do. It is being human, and recognizing where you fit in, as much as you can.

As narcissistic and conceited as this sounds,  believing in myself is as close to God as I can get. That’s not all there is to it, but that’s the base idea. I can’t carry it all by myself, I need others, and they need me. All of us believing everything and nothing to varying degrees at the same time. The idea of seeing yourself as both important and inconsequential. Believing what you want and what you will,  fitting it into existing on this planet, and finding a sense of peace in all of it.

So it goes my friend, so it goes.

Mt. Rainier

I can’t believe that everything lined up for it, but yesterday around 9 AM, I made my way to the top of Mt. Rainier. The feeling I got from this was indescribable, but i can put out there that it was the hardest thing I have ever done, and probably will ever do. The more i think back on it, the more crazy it seems.  I did it, but I still can’t believe it.

Crutches

A couple of nights ago, i went and demoed some beer i had made for a group of people who were doing a class with a personal chef. I know this personal chef through my wife, and he is gracious enough to give us some time to talk about our beers and also serve it to the people he is cooking for.  i got to hang out, have some food and gush to people about my beer. it was an amazing experience, getting paid enough money to at least cover the cost of the ingredients for the beer, and talking to people about a beer that i made.  some people may have just been being polite, but most of the responses were  positive ones. but the people who did want to talk to me kept coming back for more, which is a good sign, but i do understand drinking for drinking’s sake.  just generally bonding with people i would have never met otherwise over beer was what made it amazing though.

it makes me think about my personality though, why i dread such things yet enjoy them at the same time. there’s this balance for me between my dad and my mom. both are amazing people to me, but they’re at different ends of the specturm in terms of social engagment. my dad is very gregarious and is one of those people that knows everyone and is always starting conversations. my mom is way more reserved, quiet and almost reclusive. i may not always notice it at the time, but when i reflect on it, i can definitely point to which one was more at the forefront.

I’ve always been more engaged in the side i get from my mom, because it’s easier for me to be quiet and soft spoken in strange situations, and not have to put myself out there. It comes more natural for me. As i get older though, i find my dad coming out more and more. I’m not sure if it’s been the repression or from just being able to notice it more, or just the fact that things naturally become less serious as you get older. It’s somewhere in the middle of all that. It’s less comfortable as a natural introvert, but i find that it makes me feel better when i occassionally step outside of the bubble and embrace the extrovert i know is there.

i have to admit though, alcohol and caffeine help coax him out, the crutches of external elements that help me navigate my life. i hear people talk about alot of things as “crutches” and i see it, i know it. I still don’t see why it is any better to live life without crutches though, without something to support who you are. Exercise and video games are  a crutch for me, but they aren’t my be-all-end-all, and they’re not as distructive as drugs.

It comes down to basically anything that you do to distract you from yourself becomes a crutch, and that sounds pretty bogus to me. find that balance, of course. If i had nothing to distract me form myself, would that make me a better person? More in tune with everything? Happier? It might, i guess i haven’t really tried it.

I guess i don’t see these crutches as something that hold me up to move me forward, but as just something to hold me up so i don’t lie on the ground and surrender to everything around me. There’s something zen in there. I suppose if i could hold myself up without support, I’ll see myself for who i am, in complete and utter acceptance.

I’m not ready for that yet though, not in a proactive sense. When I’m ready, I’ll know it, it just feels like it couldn’t be any other way.