Monthly Archives: April 2011

Inevitable

Right now, there is everything and nothing to say. the inevitable swing towards you being you again, with too much time to yourself. standing in the middle of a swirling storm that is almost an extension of yourself. Right now, you’re trying to remove the blockage, whatever it is that’s stuck in your brain, paralyzing whatever needs to come out. This feels inappropriate, coming here. But you do anyways. You always do. It’s something, someplace, a fixed moment in time. something has to be thrown out into the void.

You feel like you aren’t equipped to deal, to deal with anything and everything. But you are, and the prospect is frightening, or intimidating, or both. Or something else completely different. All of your positive feelings stemming from a wellspring of negativity. Whatever that source of power is that keeps you at bay with the void, laughing in it’s face, or flailing, trying not to fall in.

As much as you flail though, you won’t fall in. Luckily, it’s not like this all the time. there are others who support you. and for that, you are eternally grateful.

the storm swirls around you, but it will abate.

it always does.

Overdrive

a quick note to self before getting to the topic at hand: filthy beers had it’s first semi-public tasting and did a bang up job, and even though it’s been going on for a year, it feels like things are finally starting. and now back to said topic.

It may have been being sick for the past month, it may be a shift in the moon’s gravity, it might be a slight switch in brain chemistry. Whatever it is, i feel like i’m in overdrive. I want to go out and be interacting with people and life at every moment of everyday. I feel like my creative juices and mental acuity are at the highest highs they’ve had in awhile. i feel like i should be striking while the iron is hot.

i’m busy all the time, but i want to be, it feels exhilarating. i’m flirting very closely with the line of too-many-things-syndrome, but i feel the most purposeful i have in a long time. it’s directed at beer, friends, family, life. i want to be out there in it, interacting, doing.

this happens occasionally, but i feel like i’m gearing up my mind and body to really make a go of it in the brewing game. because if i want to be successful at it, i’m going to have to be running at this pace all the time, no foolin’. it’s a strange mindset of truly knowing failure is not an option. not in the sense of the phrase where it’s do or die, but in the sense that nothing is going to stop me.

apparently, if i can direct it properly and justify it to myself, i am a force to be reckoned with. fingers crossed.

I Exist In A World Of My Creation

A way of life?

A subjective idea?

A bitchin’ band name?

A what-you-think-is-clever written expression?

All are possible. Everything is possible. Jesus, why not. Nothing crazy, nothing out-of-the-ordinary, just weeks of regular life cumulating. What do you expect? You think things are out of your control ALL  the time, and when that idea tries to rear its ugly head itself, you point and laugh. It proved its existence by trying not to exisit. and your brain hurts a little. maybe more than a little.

so you try and tip the scales by mentally rejecting this. You compare this to receiving the Rikisihi Stink Face from life. Bound to happen, but now you associate it with a pseudo-sumo wrestler’s ass with your face, getting rubbed in by hyperbolic announcers. you grew up with this, it makes too much sense. all you know is this is something to avoid, as far as you know.

but maybe getting over the stink face is the accepting. But the idea of it happening is too well-established in your subconscious. Scotty-2-Hottie and Grandmaster Sexay point and laugh while you get the stink face. and that’s the bridge too far.

god, that show was ridiculous. there is no defense for watching professional wrestling. no defense besides the pure joy of surrendering to that which is so understandable.

so it comes full-circle. there is no defense. but you know that’s not true because there’s always a defense. Life is such. Yin to yang, idiot. So why the title? why does it ring so true?

(surrender)

why not?

(surrender)

nice point, idiot. that is a really good title.