Hi there, poor neglected bloggie. being left out in the cold over here for that side project hussy I have going on right now that takes up all my writing time. Don’t worry though, i only treat you so because i know you’ll always be there for me. because i have to write as myself, and i need a place to throw out everything that i’m trying to process. projects aren’t the best place to diary, although it does make it more interesting.

so here we are. me feeling like i need to write something out, partly due to free time, partly due to the need to write. it comes down to a thought that i had a few days ago, while driving to work.

i have all over my life little reminders that say “I am rad”. the background of my computer, my phone, and then just various other things that remind me that i am indeed, rad. but it flipped in my head suddenly, and it just became “be rad”.

a multitude of interpretations came flying into my head. why all of the sudden this idea? has it really been the message i’ve been trying to get across to myself this entire time? by focusing on me, does it inadvertently project on to others, or do i need to do the legwork involved with outward projection? why not just be rad, instead of telling myself i am?

i feel like it’s been the object the entire time, but i never told myself that’s what it was. so apparently the big importance is in the framing. why does it make me feel uneasy, and a little more existential crisisy? this idea has just sat there at my core, interpreted as being self-grandiose, but with justification due to my actions of being rad. That idea is still in there certainly, but it is not so much the knowing of the idea, but of putting it into action. the difference lies in the action.

which is probably the “why” of the uneasiness. the war in your character between caring and not caring, of action and inaction. life is amazing because of action, because of what you put into it. good or bad, this action is what makes your life worth living. it leaves an impact on you and others directly influenced, and leaves an impression, forcing you and others to process the meaning. it creates what you are as a person.

inaction is a necessary otherside to this duality, but is not as glamorous. where action is bold, inaction is timid. where action is adventure, inaction is safety. and on and on. the yin and yang of a big part of being a conscious being, and a part of a society that dictates the norms. My propensity for action or inaction directly stems from what i think of as free will. my ability to decide to care or not is about all i have to make me, me. the thing is, that infers control of some kind, which conflicts with another idea packed in there that i have no control. not really. not that i believe there’s such a thing as fate, that we’re all just hapless bystanders.

the idea is more that control or not, it doesn’t matter. if you feel like you don’t want control, go ahead and relinquish it. if you feel like you have control, go ahead and do it. i’m just sitting at the cross roads, sitting down, unable to make a decision. is the inability to make a decision like this being active or inactive though?

but like i said, it doesn’t matter. i may talk big talk about processing ideas, but at the center of each one of them is “you know, it doesn’t really matter”,  the totally existential catch-all where you just say you’re gonna end up dead anyways, and it doesn’t matter. which as far as i know, is completely true. but i don’t completely accept it, otherwise i would just do whatever i wanted, because i’m sure not gonna care when i’m dead. that unfeeling void is there though, deep in the heart of darkness. it just is. and i do everything i can to take it in stride, to be the person i think i can be, despite the futility of it all. considering the idea that it doesn’t matter anyways, it surely doesn’t matter if I want to distract myself in the meantime.

what strikes me, is that in this void, there is no truth. as far as i can tell, truth is a concept developed by humans, for humans. there has to be an ability to tell what is true from what is false in day to day life, and there needs to be some guidelines to adhere to. but there is no truth in the void, it just is.

i don’t know if my compassion and empathy and the general essence of me stems from defiance of what is at this core. that big, black void that doesn’t beckon or seduce me, it’s just there in absolute neutrality. i make decisions based on a whole lot i don’t understand, but have decided to care about due to mostly societal factors. and why not. there aren’t too many other yardsticks lying around here and my dopamine reactions to situations is as good as anything else.

so that brings me back to that previous idea, that there is control. i control what i care about, hence what makes me as a person, with  refraction of my ideas bounced off of others that i choose, given back to me and anyone else who wants to pay attention. it really doesn’t matter, unless i want it to.

i think that’s it. instead of thinking i’m standing up to the void by staring into it and saying “i am rad” as if i’m something special, i can look upon it in all it’s uncaring and uncertain majesty and tell myself “be rad”. therein lies my choice, my modicum of control in the swirl of chaos.

be rad.