OK, so here i am. it is totally because i want to just type. i want to let loose and not have to read this damn thing 4 times before i even publish it.

it is pop culture overload. in-between my first viewing of jersey shore and just general junk on late night TV, my mind just imploded on itself. it’s just a symptom though. otherwise, i probably would have just ignored it.

my inner awesome is screaming to get out, so much so that i am willing to half-ass this shit on my dad’s toshiba where i have to go back and rewrite every few words due to my unfamiliarity with the keyboard setup. it’s not what i’m used to.

this life though, this life. apparently, it’s not what i’m used to. this is a ridiculous statement in itself. which is why i’m here. LET IT OUT, and just type shit. it already feels beyond cathartic. i can’t handle it. the idea of holding myself to writing standards feels surreal now, but i have been doing it for almost a year now.

i never held my writing to standards, but learned much from the exercise. it didn’t make it any better though, just more polished. a more polished voice, something that i can throw out there for everyone else to enjoy, and feel like i’m not offending anyone. a voice that has a fantastic edited quality, one that i think fits into a niche. how else could i possibly write? and yet, why else would i come here?

so my voice is my voice. do something with it if you think you can. you think it’s good? maybe throw it out in the public where it can be judged, not just sitting in your insulated world. ugh. it doesn’t matter, you know it doesn’t, that’s why it rides. you already know where you want it to sit, in self-reflective mode. it comes and goes and is where it belongs. semi-public, completely ignored.

then why write? why express? why try? it all just sits here, festering, wondering what purpose it has. and therein lies the contradiction. hang it out to dry on the clothesline to air out, or keep it on the down-low. either way, i am still here. still me, still existing. any way it goes, it ends up me v. myself, and it only matters how i express me to myself. an impossible task.

but why not keep trying?

as ridiculous as it gets, is there really any reason to ever give up?