It’s kinda fun to sit here and wait for the downpour. Sitting here full of anticipation to write and not really know where it’s going to go feels so full of potential. Potential is such a stupid term of endearment though. I just know that it needs to go somewhere, anywhere, and it will. It just does.

A day as beautiful as today happens less occasionally than it should. Really, days as beautiful as today could be everyday given the right frame of reference. I know that, but deep down I don’t believe it. There is too much doubt in my life for that type of surrender.

Every avenue I look down at this point feels like the paramount of cliche. Who am I, what am I doing and hoping to achieve, why why why why why why off to infinity. It doesn’t matter. It does matter. Everything and nothing is important based on what I dictate. Bring on the ranty existential bullshit that makes up around 99/100 of the content of this blog, and frame it cleverly so you’ll feel like you thought about these things in a measured fashion. Be positive, be negative, just throw out the presentable fashion of you that you want to come through with your writing voice.

This isn’t a true journal and never will be. I am not free to write whatever I want because of self-imposed limitations in my belief of this being a public forum, no matter how limited that public may seem. A true journal has no filters and I come here because operating within limits is where I think true creativity blooms. I like to think that, but mostly  I just want to rant.

Apparently I want something more than this medium can provide, and I need to take some time to find it. It’s everywhere and nowhere, and I realize that honest self-reflection far outweighs a well-written piece.

Outside of my binary star, I see people desperately seeking connection and achieving it because they will it into existence. So much of it brought into reality through sheer force of will, where the stakes seem immeasurably high. I see and try to wrap my brain around ideas again and again with little to win. I see until feel numb, and can’t process anything.

I gaze on passively, and listen.

I don’t want to post here anymore.