god, the feeling of finishing some test you ‘re freaking out about is great to finish, but the drained feeling is there…..plus my bike needs some serious repairs so i had to run home again…..and now i gotta go study for my physics test that is tomrrow at 12….this week can’t be over soon enough.

done whining, back to work.

how’s your day going?

goodness gracious, i am going jogging for the 3rd time past midnight to keep myself from spinning

if i wasn’t so goddamn proud of myself, i’d probably go do something less physically intensive,

i rule.

as i stare at the paper mache judge that presides over the top of our tv, i can’t help but feel guilty. i mean, he’s judgung me, right? what else to judges do besides judge what is and isn’t. i think that when he looks at me, he knows i’m isn’t.

or wasn’t.

or ever was.

apply above as necesary.

that spread aside, today is HAPPY DAY! (inspired by ryoko hirosue)

i got to lay in the sun, and i just went and bought myself a half rack of natty ice for 5 bucks. i can tell i got a good night ahead of me here. next week is bad, but that’s next week. the judge is looking at me and reminding me of next week…

*flipping off judge* yeah! take that! (the ownage is complete)

hahaha, it always makes me happy to see people downloading inital d music off my computer, especially space boy

Ryan Comm 101:

so this may seem painfully obvious to some of ya’ll out there, but there was something i kinda realized over the past week or so that is just so painfully obvious that it doesn’t really get noticed.

in social situations, if you don’t feel like talking, just ask the other person “how was your day?” or “how did such-and-such problem go?” in all actuallity, most people are readily avalible to talk to you about your problems, complain, or just talk about themselves. i think i always kinda knew this, but it just made me not want to ask, because asking would inevitably lead to it, and it bugged me.

but now, i look at it as a great cop out. it’s not like it matters what gets said or not said to me. so if i don’t talk or talk, it’s basically the same thing in the end. and if i got to talk to someone to alleviate some sort of social awkwardness (that term always makes me smile) all i gotta do is ask people the question they want to be asked because once that barrier is overcome, they can talk to their hearts content. if i don’t ask, then they feel like they’re just whining about whatever. but if i give them permission to whine about whatever, then suddenly it’s not all on them, and the floodgates can open.

and some people can really keep the ball rolling once the floodgate has been opened, other people might take more of a line of questioning to keep things going, but i find that most of the people i interact want to talk in some fashion or another. they’re almost dying to sometimes. and i’ll admit i’m like this sometimes too, i mean something exciting or out of the ordinary happened to me, so i want to relate it to someone. but this doesn’t happen very often due to relative routine of my life. some people can just go off of nothing though, and continue to talk about nothing for hours on end. this is fascinating to me. i mean, pulling all this meaning out of the same old shit is really a skill. turning the mundane into something to talk about (time-wise, not content-wise) is pretty damn common, but to make it somewhat interesting is pretty impressive. needless to say, there are very few people who can do this (including myself), and watching someone in action is always interesting.

but yeah, then once you get the ball rolling, you can just let it go off it’s own momentum, and then all you gotta do is nod and agree, and occasionally throw their words back at them. talk about some great time killing! just make sure not to disagree or provide any provocative comments, otherwise you might have to start thinking, and interacting, because about 90% of the time, it really isn’t worth it. probably 97% actually….

so i think that’s about it, i got some other stuff i waas thinking about personality and personage that i got out of a book i read recently, so i’m putting that down now to make sure i write about it.

until then, it’s back to school for a few more hours (well maybe more than a few) <———– Whining About Self!

…

so i’ll get back to it!

oh the humanity….

ok so mike’s blog died for “unspecified reasons”

despite the fact that “unspecified” is highly obvious, i still have to bid it farewell. its not like it’s really going anywhere anyways, since wudar.com is all about geology, and his blog was pretty damn near the same thing.

adieu, mike’s blog, adieu….

*moment of silence*

so yeah, now that the theatrics are over, i can get to more important things, like how empty my life is. Have i told anyone recently how empty i feel all the time? i just meander around, looking for meaning, something to fill this void of nothing, and yet all i do is find more nothing in return. if only i could fill myself up with meaning, then i’d be happy, fullfilled, etc.

(please note very sarcastic tone, if not obvious)

it’s funny (let’s see if i can analogy this), i feel like i was running in this race for awhile (of the social variety) and then one day i just went “why the hell am i even running?” then i looked around and everyone was gone, cause i stopped running. and it felt…nice. i just laid down in the middle of the track and passed out, with a cold beer in my hand. i didn’t just give up, i just realized that there was no difference to me if i was running or not. and running is definatly more difficult than passing out with a cold beer in your hand. but it’s not like i’m stagnant, just taking my own pace as opposed to trying to keep up with everyone else.

so yeah, that kinda sums up the past year or so i think.

History of the Ryan: Part 1

back to ochem….

i am now proceeding to take my final 6 mg of coumadin, for what i hope will be the last time….man, am i glad that’s done with, six months of thin blood is more than enough, thank you.

ok, so we went camping this weekend, and it was some good fun, i mean, basically it comes down to:

1. Beer

2. Fire

but we mixed it up a little bit and went on a hike for about 5 hours or so, but it was really nice. the trail was just an old logging road, and it felt good to be walking around outside. running around old growth forests can be kinda disorienting because everything looks the same, it completley nullified my sense of direction.

but now that the weekend is over, it’s back to school again, with projects and reading and homework abound, and so i hop to it

post-test syndrome: you finish a bunch of tests one week, and instead of using your new found free time to catch up or get ahead, you let it slide yet again….this nice weather is the greatest.

i swear if i could do whatever i wanted for the rest of my life, it would be to just live on some hut on the beach and have all my days be drawn out and long at the time, but they blend together into a short time where all you do is lay on the beach in the sun all day, sleeping at random, getting somethign to eat, reading something. these are all things i can do anyways, but when you throw in the beach factor, you can go jump in the water for a little bit, tire yourself out and then come back up and sleep in the sun. man that would be great.

i’ll definatly take what i can get though, it’s damn nice around here, and i can just parade around in my underwear….that’s pretty damn awesome right there

*Own Horn Tooting Section*

this hasn’t happened since junior high i think, but i’m actually on track to get all A’s this quarter. needless to say, i’m probably gonna let things slip by the end of the quarter where i’ll want to shoot myself in the head and be doign anything but school, but the oppertunity is there for once.man, straight A’s always seems so unattainable.

*End of Ego Stroking*

hee hee, i said “stroking”

so yeah, back to the sun, i got plenty of computer time later

hahaha, ok, i probably need to write this down while it’s still in my mind. i was riding today and for some reason i was thinking about how people go about things, and it suddenly hit me. of course this is still pretty much in its evolutionary stage, because i’ve only had a couple of hours to really process it, but it still hit me as something that was important, even if i can’t totally grasp it yet. i like to talk before i think anyways.but most of the time, when i get inspirations like this, it mostly ends up being somewhat important to something….oooh that’s profound. anyways, i was thinking about alyson ( i do this occasionally) and i started trying to think of how she could possibly be the way that she is, with the kind of drifting around randomly, not thinking and causing trouble due to lack of thinking and then just dissappearing (this is greatly summarized, but it pretty much sums it up). so i thought about it more, and was thinking about how i’m kinda the same way, but not, i just can’t really say why. i’ve been trying to figure out the difference since she broke up with me (cause i know i’m not even close to that destructive)

so i started thinking about it in terms of psuedoabstracts, and then it hit me that it was teh abstract thought that was a large difference (not all of it, i think)

not the ability to think abstractly, but how you interpret it. i know alot of people who think abstractly, and most of the time, i think everyone else does a better job of it than i could do. but how you apply it certainly makes alot of difference.

i thought about it some more, and i realized that things that are abstract just don’t scare me anymore. they don’t even cause me a need for concern. like saddam could nuke us at any moment. i could trip and bleed to death somehow. i could be out of work when i graduate from college. i could offend the next person i talk to due to things i may express. i may end up someday not having enough water to drink. etc. but these are all things that COULD happen. the reason that i can becoem so caught up with things that i predict is due to the fact that more often than not, they come true. when it comes down to trying to prepare yourself for the intended outcome of a certain event, you can pretty much predict it. you understand the way our society works, how the people involved pretty mcuh work, how you work, how thermodynamics work, etc. and you can make a pretty accurate guess as to the outcome of something you’re uncertain of. of course there are surprises some of the time, hence the uncertainty. you’re still right most of the time.

this ability to abstractly think, and be able to pretty accuratly predict things is pretty convinient….it allows you to not waste time or money, and do things efficiently. the difference i’m finding is the attatchment of emotions to the abstract. you can visualize anything that you want to with your noggin, anything at all. i kinda feel like people tend to freak themselves out over the abstract, as opposed to treating it as something abstract….make it a foregone conclusion, and you’ll spare yourself the anguish later. i think about how i’ll watch the news and i’ll hear about some dozen people dying or something, and it just gets absorbed. i don’t really care….i didn’t know any of the people, it wasn’t me who did it, and yet due tot he fact that i’m a human being, i’m supposed to have some sort of empathy for their suffering. other people seem to care so i’ll pretend to as well, because it’s easier to say that i care and agree with everyone than try to explain to everyone why i don’t care, because i don’t even know if i can explain it to myself. and i don’t need to explain it to myself because it’s me. i know how i feel, so it makes perfect sense to me why i don’t care. but in order to make my exisistance justfied to others, i have to be able to defend the ideas that i have, when i don’t ever really feel like it. i can pull some logic based, bullshit answer out of my ass to keep others happy, but i don’t like that, because if i’m gonna express myself, i want to at least be doing it correctly. it’s like cheating on tests, you get the rigth answers, but who cares?

the abstract thought is still interesting though, because i thought about how i normally don’t care about things but that i can definatly be able to care about. i just can’t bring myself to care about the abstract. it doesn’t meant hat i can’t have emotional responses to things that happen to me though, it’s just how i react. it’s not something that i can just pawn over and feel worried about when i got other stuff that while not necesarily more important, is actually real. the real factor definatly puts things in perspective for me.

it’s tangible…….i should deal with it.

oh man, adam just dialed to this jesus show like where people are singing, and he got to talk to someone there. so he called himself justin and he just made up this huge sob story and it was so awsome. wudar