one week later…..finals are over….the bedlam is past, the future looks bright. man what a crazy set of finals though, i can’t believe that i went to see my bros play then get supremely ruined the night before i have to study for two finals the next day. along witht he taking a bus at 7:45 am. needless to say, it ruled. i’m just so glad it’s over now.

so i lift my wine in a toast and i bid thee good day.

Work in progress: my life

CAUTION: This is long and self-righteous, so please handle it accordingly

Ok so I was thinking for a second and I think now would be as good a time as any to reflect on myself. It’s a tough thing to do. I mean, sit down for a second and try and think to yourself “what do I really think?”. It’s one thing to feel one way or another, but trying to put them into words is really really hard. That’s why I mooch off others. Other people put things so much better than I do most of the time.

And also, what the hell do I say? Anything I write right now is going to be funny to me in a couple of years. (at least that’s what I secretly hope). I kinda feel like a balloon that gets caught up in a jet stream of air that just pushes it haphazardly in random directions it chooses. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. When people I know tell me they feel helpless to society, and just a part of unforeseen conditions, most of the time I just sympathize with them. It’s easier than trying to explain something to someone who doesn’t care. All people want these days is sympathy anyways.

All the while I’m just thinking “that’s because you ARE helpless” and yet, people take this to be a negative thing, but I feel kind of empowered believing that I’m helpless. Being able to think that I am helpless just puts me with one less thing to worry about I think. Sure, I’m helpless to a lot of stuff, but that doesn’t mean that it has to carry over to everything. I have limited control to make myself happy, and it’s not that difficult to utilize it and make something positive out of it. But the positive stuff takes some work. It’s much easier to bitch about it. I’ve come to really detest conversations these days because a good 80% are just complaining, complaining about school, work, the weather, george bush, whatever. It’s all the same. All you do is spout off information you believe to be true while someone else either concurs and goes right along with you, or they dissent and you get in an argument. While sometimes this can be fun, most of the time I just don’t care.

I am not searching for a higher purpose. I am not looking to change the world. Right now, I’m not looking to do anything but get out of school. But why do I even go to school? I ask myself this a lot. It’s not like I’ve ever been in a real tight spot before, so I can’t say that I’m going to school to avoid working shat jobs all my life. So as I jack ben, I say all jobs are shat, you’re a monkey pressing buttons with a limited ability to make active decisions. This limited ability to make active decisions is the only reason a machine isn’t doing it yet (they’re much less whiny and don’t need all those rights). But I don’t know, school is harder these days but it’s getting more enjoyable because I’m finally doing good at it. It’s nice to get A’s and B’s and know that you earned them. And earning things is all I really think I am. It seems much nobler to base the person you are under pretenses that you earned them instead of the reality of stealing..

Money is great, (again, straight jacking ayn rand) because it allows you to quantify the things you earn. It’s an arbitrary system that assigns values to services, goods, and the amount of skill or time or effort that goes into producing it. you can go dig a ditch for 8 hours a day for weeks on end and end up getting paid 500 bucks a week. You can become a doctor and get paid 500 dollars an hour to sit around and diagnose people. I could go dig a ditch right now. I couldn’t be a doctor right now. Doctors earn the money they get. It’s not easy to get through medical school, and deal with life or death situations, probably a lot of stress I wouldn’t want to deal with.

But besides money you earn knowledge for yourself too. It doesn’t even matter if it’s worthless, as long as you have it. Even if it’s arbitrary, it’s still something you believe in. what ruins this though is that people don’t think anything is arbitrary. The way I’m thinking right now, everything is arbitrary. But it’s not arbitrary to me. I make the active choice to believe something, but I know that doesn’t automatically make me right. I’m right and comfortable with what I believe until some other data comes in and allows me to tweak it. But damned if you do, damned if you don’t, I know I don’t really get any outside input without interacting with others. But most of the time, interaction just becomes competition. No one talks about ideas anymore, they all compare beliefs. (hmm, when I think about it, I think that’s out of dogma). Everyone gets self-righteous, and defensive, and feels they have something to prove. I really don’t need other’s approval to believe in something (although it is nice) and I certainly don’t believe that I can change anyone’s opinion by trying to explain my point of view to them. I don’t really mind explaining myself if people really want to hear it, but people take it the wrong way. Most people take explaining your point of view as an attack against theirs, so they get defensive (I would prefer indifference). This is hugely counter-productive and it makes a conversation into just waiting for your turn to talk (fight club), hoping to make that one comment that just makes everyone go “oh man, I never looked at it like that, what was I thinking all this time?”. like anyone is going to just up and 180 like that.

I really want to get out of school and get going in a career, because I don’t want to be indebted to anyone anymore (at least monetarily, I’ll deal with the emotionally later(although I think it is even worse)) but I know I’ll have to patient for that one, it’ll come eventually….i just hate feeling indebted to people. It’s like a power game where people can hold it against you, and I’d rather it wasn’t like that. while I’m semi-indebted to friends I have, it’s not something I would rip myself up about. I’m way over my head when it comes to my parents though. The amount of time, money, effort, blood, sweat and tears that have gone on to give me the life I have is ridiculous. Here I am, 22 and living this life I have now due to their hard work. It’s a debt I can’t repay, and (pardon my whining) unfair. I like the finality of being able to take care of some debt or problem or whatever and closing it. But you can’t just do that with your parents. It’s like the debt is just so huge that it doesn’t hold an amount anymore. Of course I think my parents would be happy with whatever I do, and that’s why it’s so damning. Am I doing the things I want to, or what I think they want me to? I’d really like to think it’s me, but there’s a lot of factors that go into “me”. Hence the reason I want a career, if I can be independent monetarily, at least it’s a start.

People who are happy with their jobs look at it as and end. Everyone who is unhappy with their job looks at it as a means. I’ll never be able to look at a job as an end. I’m working for money so I can go spend it on things that I do consider an end. I consider working and playing two separate things, and it just seems to be counter intuitive to be at a job that would blend the two together so harmoniously that you couldn’t tell one apart from the other. This doesn’t mean that your job should blow goats, but I just can’t imagine having the same kind of fun at work as I would doing something I wanted to do. I say congratulations to anyone who can live like that, but I don’t know if it would work for me.

Intelligence is a funny thing to have, I don’t know if I truly appreciate or not, but I think I’m starting to grow more accustomed to it the more I’m forced to deal with it. i could always be smarter, I could defiantly be stupider, I don’t think it would have too much bearing on my goals in life (whatever they may be, I just know they’re pretty unambitious though). I can be good at anything I try though, especially if I apply myself. It’s a bit of a shocker when you can glide all the way through your education, and then suddenly you realize you have to work for once. I think this happened to me in late high school, but by then, it was the end of high school and it didn’t matter. Then you get to college, and the first two years are bullshit, and then bam, what the hell happened to being able to pass tests studying for two hours before hand. Either I got stupid or the stuff got harder. Probably both. Defiantly both. But now I know that I can learn any damn thing I want to and be good at it. Not the best, but adequate. I have no special talents, I’m just mediocre in everything. Give me a video game and I’ll get pretty good in about 10 minutes. Give me an instrument and I’ll figure out the basics in a couple of days. Teach me anything and I’ll be able to pick up on it pretty quick. But then it just hits that barrier, where I stay at the same level. There’s just a threshold I hit where I can’t tell if I’m getting any better, it just seems the same to me. It’s kind of frustrating, because I see other people doing it and even though I caught on quicker, I just see everyone else fly by me. I still haven’t found anything where I’m the person who’s flying by. but damn, I could be a whole hell of a lot worse off. I could be missing an arm. I could be on crutches all the time, I could have HIV or something.

Could always be worse.

I remind myself of that a lot, cause it defiantly could be. The fact that I can go through all these daily routines (which are pretty high risk) and not be dead is amazing. It just seems like statistically, I should be dead by now. There’s a whole lot of things that can kill you out there, and it seems like one of them should have struck me by now. It’s just a muse though.…

Caring is something that has been bugging me a lot too. People always spout off about how much they care, or how much they don’t care. It’s pretty easy to say that you care about everything, but it seems to extreme to say you care about everything, due to the fact that somethings you care about are polar opposites of each other. And being truly indifferent to everything seems impossible too If you held to your beliefs as someone who is indifferent and doesn’t care about anything, you really should have killed yourself by now. But something makes you hold on. I know I could never bring myself to suicide, ever. I can’t even picture myself doing it. I mean, you’re gonna die anyways, what’s the big rush? Caring is one of the most arbitrary things out there. I care about something because I want to. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, it’s just what I felt like doing. I really don’t feel a need to justify what I care about to anyone because they got their own justifications for the things they care about. I can justify things to myself any way I want to, and anyone else can do the same. It doesn’t really make any difference in the end. People can get so defensive though. I believe in things because it’s convenient or it’s just the way I am. I can’t really control what I believe (in a sense) so why should I think I can control it in others? Sheesh…

But shit, it’s almost 3, I’m out of steam, and I think I should go to bed so I’ll be ready to do my thang, whatever it may end up being.

Happy birthday to me…I earned it.

pooped on my dick! i’m 22 now! and really, who cares?

once you hit 21 there’s nothing to look forward to now except that every year is another year older. sigh…so disillusioned. hey i know, i can look forward to when i’m 24 (or 25 or something, i forget) when i’ll be able to rent a car. so i can go out and rent a viper or soemthing (because i’ll be fabulously wealthy of course) and go nuts. or more realistically, i’ll just be dead.that or marrying a 70 year old heiress for her millions of dollars, and just wait around for her to die.

i don’t see any holes in these plans.

happy birthday to me!

is it march already? am i really going to be 22 on monday? i suppose the answers to both of those are yes.

man, ok, i went down to seattle to see this drum n’ bass show on wednesday nioght, and it turend out to be one of the raddest nights ever. it took a little convincing to get me to go (cause i always put school first…) but i ended up reading a chapter of ochem while heading down to woodinville, ause we were stopping at adam’s house first. and like any set of parents i know, the first thing they want to do is stuff you with food. i have no qualms with this. i think the funniest part of being there was listening to adam’s mom lecture adam and chanta about working out and eating right. it was great. oh man they had soem home brewed beer there too, which they called “CEI” or college educated idiot. it was damn good beer, like the smoothest stout i had ever had, and i approved of the name. but yeah we went there to seattle to a place called chop suey, which was pretty much right next to broadway. and we got there, and i paid 15 bucks. this was hella cheap considering the names that were there. for those of you keeping track of this thing adam f, dj craze, and dj skiddlededoo (i think that’s how you spell it) spun a set where they all played at the same time. and it kicked ass, i felt i underpaid with only 15 bucks, cause i know i’ve had much less fun paying 40 buicks or more. but after mangling a bunch of beer, and dancing like crazy (i actually saw two guys who could really dance there, that was nice) we started our drive back, which was hilarious. it was just mangling and fun. we ended up stopping by a shell and just buying way more junk food than we needed. all in all, radness.

so now it’s friday, i was bad and skipped school today, but i’m sure i’ll be fine.

now i gotta find somethign to do tonight, two of my roomates are gone, and one is asleep on the couch in front of me. oh well, something’s bound to happen.

ok so i can watch tv while computing now, and i just saw this guy on MTV2 called Sean-Paul and he had an air jordan platinum chain on. i mean, like a chain witht an air jordan medallion on. i may not know anything about the guy, but that is just straight pimpin’.

i mean, it’s air jordan!

hahahaha, ok, my bad if this offends you mike (or maybe it doesn’t, i have trouble discerning these things latley) but i just have to say thank you for writing one of the most self-rightous things i have read in awhile.

“I feel”

i’m sorry, but this phrase negates anything following it.

but besides that, why am i sitting at this computer when i should be ingesting alcohol right now? holy fucking shit, get my priorities straight!

“holy binge drinking batman, can you really chug that entire fifth of tequila?”

“i can swallow that much of your man juice, can’t i robin? this is a cinch”

“you’re the greatest batman!”

and now i find somethign better to do.

lordy lordy! this quarter’s almost over….

man, i don’t have anything of interest to say right now, absolutly nothing. i don’t do anything interesting anymore and nothing interesting happens to me. well besides that two headed 8 year old girl i saw on the discovery channel. i mean that brought up all sorts of questions as we were watching it. like this girl is a conjoined twin and the two heads have respective control over their half of the body. you would think this would make it hard to function, but they acted completley normal, like even playing basketball and other very coordination intensive activities. it makes you wonder how it’s going to be for their future though. i mean it would be awkward dating, it would be awkward trying to choose a school to go to or something, anything that you would almost certainly decide on your own directly impacts someone, and there’s no choice in the matter. you are fucked. hopefully they have similar tastes….

man, i kinda wanna go off on this now, but i gotta get back to work. short quarter death.

HO Ho ho….green giant

we got cable yesterday, so now it’s time to add yet another black hole of time into our house. i’m going to try to avoid it, but i know i’m gonna get sucked in. but i mean, it’s not like tv can get much better after that whole joe millionaire fiasco (paul is my new hero), so i might not be drawn to crappy cable shows. but god, after growing up with just rabbit ears all your life, you just get used to the idea that everytime you turn on the TV, you’re gonna have to fuck around with some wires, or some crappy antennae, just to get a really fuzzy picture. you’ll also spend some time trying to get it to the point where it doesn’t have feedback, because a fuzzy picutre is one thing, but fuzzy sound is just intolerable.

but now! oh sweet technology! you turn on the tv, and it’s already clear! dozens of channels to turn off your brain to. my tv even has this feature that says what channel you’re on, and what show is currently playing!

could i say my life is now complete?

i should say so!

and let’s see, i could chronicle the weekend here while i’m at it….but i don’t feel really inclined to go over everything in detail, so maybe i’ll just give a synopsis:

1. we got a keg of busch.

2. we drank alot.

3. we had fun.

man, that’s just terrible, what the hell kind of synopsis is that? “we had fun” i mean, that means we could have been out on the prowl for stray sheep or something.

the best was saturday night though, when we went to rumors for our gay friend matt’s birthday, we all ended up getting hammered before hand, and mike chris and i brought two litres of beer, and a gallon. which was totally consumed before we got to the bars. so we danced around, i ran into some people and chatted, and danced with some cute girl for quite awhile, it was a rad time at rumors. but like 10 minutes before closing time, keegan went upstairs saying some girl was taking him up to the cage to dance with him. so he’s like “hellz yeah” but we all know this girl is a guy who likes to prey on straight fellas (we’ve already heard a few stories where this guy takes other guys to his car and goes downon them before they know what’s going on) so we know what’s going on, and we figure keegan does too. keegan does not. so at the end of the night, renee (keegan’s girlfriend) goes up to get him from the manager’s box or whatever, and we hear her screaming really loud and being carried down the stairs (full nelson style) and trashing around. so she breaks free and punches him right in the eye, then runs off. so her and chris took off towards home, while the rest of us milled around wondering what the hell happened. so as we’re leaving, the manager is following us, on his cell phone with the police, trying to figure out where she ran too. of course we’re yelling back “stop following us, we’re not gonna lead you to her” and keegan starts trying to pick a fight, and amber cools it down, and ends up talking to the police while we get the hell out of there. man, the hilarity…

but yeah, i drank way too much beer this weekend, and there’s still more left. my goal is to finish it off tonight….it shall be done. got an hour before class, it’s blustery as hell, and i am goign to go subject myself to the elements as i fitfully try to get from here to fred meyer, to school…looks like i better bust out my snowpants….

been awhile since i seriously blogged……

here’s to anticipation!

hahaha, man i just randomly thought of my msn name which is “i have issues” and everytime i look at it, i snicker. it’s a hilarious saying. i mean, it’s pretty much what everyone likes to scream about these days.

you know how it goes…i have issues…they’re important….

so anyways, we have a keg here, and we all got ruined last night and we hardly put a dent in it…i suppose we’ll have to try harder tonight. man, this idea was just genius.

man, this quarter is ass, i so want it to be over. stupid short quarter, it’s just a barrage of tests that never seems to end. que sera…this week hasn’t been so bad i suppose, and there’s the weekend in a couple of days, i fi just get shit together i’ll be able to enjoy at least friday and saturday.

so when i read ben’s thing about bogosity, i was just laughing. that stuff is somethign that so much time has been put into and should just be an over inflated joke, and yet it makes so much sense. so many things are bogus that never get pointed out.it’s time to hone my bogometer…shouldn’t be any problem since i live in a college student society.

dammit, i gotta do something, i want to finish all this shit so i won’t worry about it later, i just want to have nothing to do right now. stupid self nagging….