Author Archives: Ryan Driscoll

Going Places

Are you going somewhere? How’s it working out for you? I think it’s going pretty OK, no real complaints. I just observe it everywhere. People are doing things this very second, things that are important. A never ending, slow grind of importance.

There’s really no reason not to, but i like to get reflective about it occasionally. viewing the process from the outside, feeling absurd, and then getting right back to it. life still hasn’t stopped since i started reflecting on it, and i figure it’s going to keep heading in that direction.

Information comes in and immediately, my brain just starts going “who cares? i mean, really, who cares?”. the cynical filter turns on and all incoming stimuli has a negative edge to it. it works both ways though, i feel the same damn way about any information i can create. so i come here, try and hash it out, all the while thinking “really, who cares?”.  it’s ridiculous.

Something has to come out of these feelings though, something more than just a cynical, existential rant along the lines of “who cares! you’re gonna die anyways” which is what this line of reasoning normally devolves into. it’s during times like these that i can barely talk to people. most conversation revolves around complaining and i can’t take it. most of the time, i can deal, relate a little. it never hurt anyone to complain a little to shoot the shit. othertimes all i want to say is something along the lines of  “got any solutions?” and that doesn’t go over very well.

so i do what i’ve learned to do, be quiet and just let it pass. i’ll get over myself, and opening my mouth leads to more problems than keeping it shut. is this growth? really, who cares?

there has to be something more to get out of this than resignation, a reason this side of my personality flares up. maybe self-preservation. maybe self-loathing. maybe self-pity. whatever it is, i’m positive it is narcissistic and selfish. i can’t see these feelings supporting any other purpose but to stoke my ego a little bit and tell myself that yes it is all crazy, it’s not just me. but everything is crazy, me included. there are no rational ports in this storm. there is no storm. everything’s just happening, and then it’s happening somehow else.

Yeah, that’s the gist of it. there’s not much to get out of this state, it just has to happen to balance out the other somehows. your brain freaks out because it’s a freaking computer based around chemical signals, and they’re all finding homeostasis based on stimuli. the lack of control is exhilarating.

So it goes. with the context of the word “exhilarating”, it clicks.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Busybody

Totally turned in the paperwork we’ve been assembling for a few weeks for the brewery, thank goodness that ball is at least rolling. it feels good now, but i can see the impending clarifications and resubmissions.  the bulk is there, tweaking is par for the course.

The summer is looming on the horizon, and i can see the demands from here. stacking work, friends, and family all into the schedule is always fun and challenging. now with setting up a business, the hits just keep coming. but i’m doing something i feel is of worth my extra time and effort, and it makes all the difference.

i still have time to do many of the things i need to be happy, but now i’m spread a little more thin. i can do it though. i can be a single layer of oil molecules on a gigantic ocean if i want to be. i can do it all if  i want to.

Lost Ruminations

i love having titles, i can influence or revamp the whole feel of my post, based on responding to a title, or making a title after creating what i feel is a complete thought. i am coming to grips with having a blog voice again. it’s basically a side of my personality now. free access and recall is a nice touch.

aside aside, let’s move on. yada yada yada,  i can come here and ruminate.

at this point, it’s still around Lost. i’ve had some time to digest a bit now, and come back here. it was a state of shock for me for a little bit, something so viscerally emotional. something i haven’t felt in awhile. and why? why not?  the whole series was expert at manipulating my emotions, both in it’s devices and my willingness to surrender.  it was that suspension of disbelief that really struck me. whatever the creators did, I clicked with it and let myself be carried away by their story.when Lost was finished, it was comparable to the feeling of finishing a great novel, experienced for the first time. somehow, they made me feel exactly the way i feel when i finish a book  that i already have profound love for before i even get halfway through it. you see the voice and structure of the story, and are completely willing to see this story telling voice wherever it goes, whether you agree or not.

the story becomes a voice, and you want to listen to it.

i know it didn’t leave the exact same message with me that it did with everyone else, but i felt that was part of the message it imparted, an open-endedness. the main point of being connected to those around you and what that entails is open for debate, but you know it when you see it. along with such sweeping generalizations though, are the details. they are there if you want to sweat them. but to me, it doesn’t matter one way or the other. being willing to succumb to something you don’t understand, accepting some limitations (faith or no faith), i feel that’s what the show was trying to express that at the end. it can get as meta as you want it to, just like REAL life.

in the end, i think it was just reminding you to turn around occasionally and marvel at the fractals you create in your life.

they may not be as unique as you think.

Nanomachines

there’s alot of buzz right now around craig venter, since him and his sizeable team managed to produce a (basically) synthetic life form. It’s not synthetic in the way that it has silicon parts or anything, it’s synthetic in the sense that they built it from the ground up, using what evolution has already provided to make cellular life form on earth.

even using the simplest bacteria they could, it took years to do this project. the reason i got hired at blue heron bio in the first place was because they accepted a gene building project for this, and they just needed temp work to handle the huge volume. now, we’ve been cited in the scientific publication, which is almost akin to being cited in the human genome paper (also spearheaded by Venter). it’s exciting for the company to get some good publicity like this, especially in this economic climate. go blue heron!

seeing this synthetic building of a life form finally work out is really exciting though. this synthetic bacteria is basically a nanomachine. venter’s group stripped down this bacteria, isolated every single gene, and then built it all back up, seeing which genes were necessary to keep it alive, and finding all sorts of interconnections between genes and gene expression. now that the base form is there, and with a little tweaking, almost any other gene can be added. make some biofuel, make some drugs, whatever gene you can coax it into expressing without dying. eventually you get these things sophisticated enough that they can be in your bloodstream, regulating your blood sugar for you if you’re diabetic.  eating up excessive cholesterol, and cleaning your circulatory system. this is all years off though, lots of FDA testing before this starts happening, but these are nanomachines.

robots we built off of an organic scaffolding, and we can program them to do what we want. nanomachines! science marches on.

Titles

I think i got all the ducks in a row now (or at least an understanding of what’s going on) so it looks like blogging hiatus is over now.

Goodbye blogger, hello wordpress! let’s get this blog party started!

Future

back in some capacity, blog now, have it posted later. works for me.

i have to say right now, i’m more anxious than i’ve been in a long time. the kind of anxiety that comes from excitement and the unknown though, not the “oh god now what” type of anxiety. but i shouldn’t even type anything in here about what it is. we’re excited though, and that’s a good thing.

otherwise, everything is about as normal as it usually is, hanging out, going to work, living. i read this book called “How I became stupid” not really expecting anything. i grabbed it down at elliot bay because i had finished my book while on jury duty and needed another. it was short, but i put it down for a month and then finished it today. i was intrigued by the story at the time, but the beginning was kinda preachy and off-putting. this guy thinks he’s too intelligent to be happy so goes on a quest to become an idiot and see what’s so great about living life in the middle. it sounded eerily like everything i say to justify my life to myself, with the basic idea being to force your round brain through the square hole greased with ideas like cynicism, statistics, submission, and over-simplification. i’m still not ready to touch that idea yet, i’m still caught up in the stupid for now. the book did boil down to just having others to share your experiences with, which is pretty much what i think happiness is. jesus though, i’m barley 30. i am in no hurry to figure it all out anymore, that’s for people who care deeply about things.

i care deeply about stuff. that is worth my time. for now i will keep gliding by, gearing myself up for the project of a lifetime.

On The Move

So blogger is going to force us off the foundation of everything ben has built for the online friv empire. which is kind of a bummer, but mostly for ben as he did all the building, and will have to do it again. i’m very thankful ben can handle this because i am about as html stupid as they come and have very little interest in learning it, no matter how useful it may be.

two hands in the air for ben! yay!

so i’ll check in now with some me time. i got nothing. things are good.

situation: nominal.

but frivolity is on the move, tune in later to see where it goes!

Poem

my life can be summed up in this moment.

at work, waiting for a gel to set so i can go home.

i don’t really expect much of myself these days.

I’m just tired of creating input from my internal self, and would rather just wait and have it brought to me.

or just sit and wait for it to come.

it always does.