Category Archives: Beer

Forgetfullness

It really took more than a couple password guesses to get here. It fills me with melancholy. I never really looked at this site as a crutch, but I’m not really surprised that it is in retrospect. Always here when I need it, but quickly forgotten.

Just in reading my last post, there’s already so much memory loss. Not in the specifics, but in the generalities. It’s an automatic defense mechanism, as far as I can tell. Why else would I be able to look back with total clarity of details without any clarity of experience?

On the surface, all I can say is that my mind is trying to protect me from something. If I delve down, the obvious answer is itself, which is so cliche that it makes me feel sick to write it. Which may or may not be the stem of the nausea. I’m trying to hammer it out here, duh.

Now that our place is open though, everything seems to be falling into place. We have found our little corner of Idaho and everything seems to be going swimmingly. It was months of anxiety, but it has all washed away now that the doors are open. Hopefully that’s not a feeling I forget.

Living the Dream

Realized my head has been swimming and that I should probably come here. Things are awesome, but the anxiety is killing me. I am off-kilter and out of my mind, but it is by choice. It makes it that much more exciting.

Although this starting a business is making me more the asshole Ryan I don’t like so much, it’s exactly what I need. Taking myself out of my comfort zone always guarantees some growth, which is harder to come by as I get older. It is all money based, yet that’s what makes it feel low risk. Money is money, but no one is going to kill me if i don’t pay them back. Yet.

It’s a little strange to know that failure is an option, but that it does and doesn’t matter. Best-case scenario is us having success to allow us future comfort and that the work we put in now will pay off later, but the fact that there is no guarantee is exhilarating. It’s all cheap-thrills though. I see beyond the veneer, but am also glad that there are other people along for the ride. It makes for a shared experience, and that’s where the value lies.

I’ve realized from being in Boise that anywhere Heather and I decide to reside, we will be a pretty big deal. It might take more time in some places than others, but we can’t help but be awesome. This is circle-jerk egoism, but I try to look at it objectively and understand that we earn it and that it’s not just talk. We have fun because we are who we are, and truly do want everyone else to be involved. I know it’s self-serving because if everyone’s having fun, we’re having more fun. Societal altruism at it’s best (right?).

I feel detached, but I feel in the best way possible. On a certain level, I want to feel this sort of detachment all the time. It’s the zen feeling of letting go of control with complete understanding of the illusion and surrendering. Knowing the idea and feeling the idea are just so different, and realistically, it’s chemically driven a lot of the time. It doesn’t make it any less valid, it just makes it harder to achieve on a regular basis, because chemicals cost money, and achieving it without the support is the true goal. Still, worth every penny.

I know we could have retired at this point. Lived an amazing life based on comfortable living, and built for the future. Apparently, that wasn’t enough so let’s max out a bunch of credit cards and create something for ourselves in this world. That makes me happy. What else should you do in this world but reasonably push the boundaries? Like I said earlier, this is not life and death, just total comfort versus mild discomfort. Life is capricious, but has been extremely kind to us. I like to think that it’s because we have earned it, but I have no idea. I can still draw the conclusion that what we’re doing is working, because life has been very kind. Correlation versus causation be damned, life is good.

Muse

Whoa nelly, stop the presses. This is a bunch of writing in a small frame of time, especially for my present-self. It’s because I’m trying to flex those muscles again, get them pumped. I keep coming back here with massive intentions, with my muse screaming at me to get something down while the feeling of wanting to create is fresh on my mind. It really is strange to think of some muse, but it’s there. There are times I couldn’t force myself to write the smallest tid-bit of stupid, but that feeling creeps in, and everything I write out is pure gold. I come here though, so there’s little self-editing, and zero research, making it beyond easy to sit down and hammer out some non-sense.

What do you dictate of me, oh muse? Bring something out of the inky-black depths of my sub-conscious? Perhaps reflect on something of great importance I hadn’t considered until this moment? Or maybe just vomit all over the keyboard and get it out with all of the concern laid on catharsis and none on editing?

It’s weird because the pull is very real, that pull to write. I’ve been too tired and exhausted recently to do anything, but now here I am, hammering it out. There is no immediate need, no immediate idea, just a need to type something out. Tonight, this is what I will get from my muse. There’s excitement though, because I feel there is so much to type about, so much to write and put into words. I know it’s all about beer, too. That is what I am going to write about, that is what i will draw inspiration and joy out of.

I know this is what  my muse (and gumption) will start pointing towards. My work and passion are starting to come out of the woodwork and fuse together into something I can tame and master.

Or maybe not. Maybe I just need to be able to unleash them and deal with the consequences later. Really, if I could predict my muse, I’d be rich.

Ex

So this is part of my punishment, i suppose. having an idea, a fully-fleshed idea ready to go, and then forgotten. it had something to do with starting with “Ex”. Exaltation, extension, expensive, it doesn’t matter. As important as that idea may have seemed at the time, this one takes it’s place. you forgot a seemingly important idea. despite how important that first one may have been, aren’t you here now because of it? and aren’t you now expressing said idea inferiorly?

good job idiot, this is the life you live. just the thought of leaving this thought unedited leaves you happy. it would be incomprehensible. you’re not that drunk, but typing takes focus, and you’re too mad at yourself to do so properly. the filters you have in place at least take up enough space to keep you from doing this raw.

the conception was a good thought though, and hopefully, you can find your way back to it.

this does not bode well for your ideal self though, typed in words that are socially acceptable. true definitions are not beyond you, but are beyond what you are willing to expose to those who may discover who you are.

it feels like bullshit to type in code, but at the same time, it makes you think. the thought strikes you though: really this is stupid all-around, and anyone hoping to get anything out of this beyond yourself  is getting what they paid for.

now get back to rememberin’. who else is it going to do any good for?

Reality

Jesus, get back to reality dude, everything seems so unreal. The boomerang needs to return, it just seems like it’s taking awhile to get back. you can’t even see it at this point, and that’s part of it.

come back, boomerang!

Check it.

Overdrive

a quick note to self before getting to the topic at hand: filthy beers had it’s first semi-public tasting and did a bang up job, and even though it’s been going on for a year, it feels like things are finally starting. and now back to said topic.

It may have been being sick for the past month, it may be a shift in the moon’s gravity, it might be a slight switch in brain chemistry. Whatever it is, i feel like i’m in overdrive. I want to go out and be interacting with people and life at every moment of everyday. I feel like my creative juices and mental acuity are at the highest highs they’ve had in awhile. i feel like i should be striking while the iron is hot.

i’m busy all the time, but i want to be, it feels exhilarating. i’m flirting very closely with the line of too-many-things-syndrome, but i feel the most purposeful i have in a long time. it’s directed at beer, friends, family, life. i want to be out there in it, interacting, doing.

this happens occasionally, but i feel like i’m gearing up my mind and body to really make a go of it in the brewing game. because if i want to be successful at it, i’m going to have to be running at this pace all the time, no foolin’. it’s a strange mindset of truly knowing failure is not an option. not in the sense of the phrase where it’s do or die, but in the sense that nothing is going to stop me.

apparently, if i can direct it properly and justify it to myself, i am a force to be reckoned with. fingers crossed.

Something New

I like ben’s last post.

The idea of striving for something that is really nothing is something that’s always struck me about life in general. Water flowing to a pool by any means necessary, the easier the better.

The irony of escaping systems always cracks me up as well, it’s like trying to escape life without dying. What’s the first thing you do after breaking out of a system? Set up a new one. Bonuses being that you at least get to be in charge, and it tends to be less violent these days. There’s some serious issues of control buried in there, though.

Just some response thoughts, i’m not here to get terribly deep today, but we’ll see. I got no plan, just a two week gap in posts and some downtime.

The two weeks is strange to me. I have done alot in my life since my last post, but would be perfectly content to not list any of it here, when really it’s what i should be doing. I’ve been having some rocking times over the past few weekends, and in the long run, this blog is for me. If i end up living to be 80, i want to be able to read about things i did back in the day when i was young and actually had to go places to interact with people. I’d rather just list them bullet style, since hopefully my memory will be good enough to fill in the gaps.

-Making an awesome, nothing went wrong batch of beer out at my parents house.

-Going with a co-worker and my wife to the showbox for the sasquatch line-up announcement party and jetting after mad rad and das rascist, only to find out macklemore got some stage time later in the evening.

-Running around with the filthy beer gang and going to see Mark Farina kill it live at neumos, where i danced until my entire shirt was a much darker shade of green.

-Hanging out with new law peeps around beltown where i found some jolly roger on tap, then managed to get dick’s later in the night after having the window shut on us after seeing farina.

-Having an awesome valentine’s day with my wife where we urban hiked, napped, and saw Rock of Ages.

-Getting into the groove of the bi-monthly event of taking my grandpa to the snoqualmie casino, then wrapping up the day playing hours of video games and drinking homebrews with the filthy crew.

Putting it all in list form like that is such a great reminder. I have so much awesome stuff going on in my life, all the time. Just like i need to remind myself of how superfluous and insignificant i can be at times, i can also remind myself of other things less existential. swing that camera around to point at whatever i want.

ebb and flow, baby…so it goes.

Welcome Back!

I go away for a week on my own, and suddenly ben has three posts up. the prodigal son returns! good to see a familiar face around here.

otherwise, i got nothing to contribute, i’ve been using slow work times to live it up. drink beer and be happy!

Government Booze

Man, i was already so convinced that the initiative to privatize liquor sales was so locked i didn’t even consider it wouldn’t pass. It makes sense when i think about it, considering this state’s nanny-like qualities, but still, i thought this had a chance.

I don’t really give a damn about being able to buy liqour at Safeway for cheaper, or ideals like the government meddling in private affairs. It was going to bust down the three-tier system completely out of state law, and it would have made it so much easier as a brewery for us to distribute our product, whenever it gets to that. There are still much bigger obstacles for us to overcome, but that would have made it easier for us in the long run.

Ah well, it’s not like bottle shops and beer bars have disappeared, there are still plenty of places to get great beer around the city. I mostly make my own these days, anyways.

Condolences to people who enjoy martinis and scotch, though. You still gotta go to the state for your booze needs.

Work it Out

It’s crazy how much work almost becomes a refuge away from your real life. The things you love end up being way more taxing and time-consuming that the ol’ 9 to 5.  I spent both my weekend days doing mostly the crappy work of brewing beer. This entails mostly bottle cleaning and putting said beer in those bottles. As i was skinning my 200th bottle or so, i thought to myself :

“this sucks, but hey, at least I’m only accountable to myself and my own standards.”

it made me smile in the moment, but i almost think it was to fool myself from the drudgery of the work i was doing. work is always gonna be work, no matter what I do to try and get around it. I think that’s what i’ve always though, and why jobs feel so superfluous to me. I can get work done, and after a bit of time of doing the same types of jobs, i can do it super-efficiently. huzzah for you dude.

you know why you work hard and get super efficient though. It’s so you’ll be done with work quicker and you can get around to all those self-enriching, non-destructive things you’d rather be doing than working. Which will bore you eventually if you don’t have a job to get super-efficient at. because being super efficient in your leisure is no way to do it.

that sounds like work.