Category Archives: Beer

Binge

For one reason or another, I have been coming here infrequently. Not enough drive. Now I’m coming here about everyother day, even though I don’t really have anything to say. I just feel like saying something, anything. Writing helps categorize my thoughts, even if I haven’t been thinking about much. But if i didn’t come here, i would just observe, observe, observe, and never get anything out of it, because if i don’t reflect on it, then i am just doing it to entertain myself.

which makes sense, i love entertaining myself. I try not to do it at other’s expense, but i can hardly tell the difference anymore. Superiority lingers just below it all, as ridiculous as it always is. Get superior over your self, act bigger than you are. Act less superior in attempts to bridge chasms, while thinking otherwise.

Act one way, think another. Or just not think, your brain can go where it wants, but you don’t have to pay attention. It’s more fun to pay attention to your gut feeling, as uniformed as it may be. I read Blink though, so now I can see how much is informed by all those gut decisions, snap-decisions, and the unconcious.

Also water intake. Being dehydrated is no way to leave your body, and yet i do it everyday with beer and coffee. Oh, such an idiot.

Just came back from the water fountain. I binged hard on that shit in an attempt to rehydrate. I’ll end up urinating most of it out, but it’s the thought that counts, most of it will stick around in my body to try and clean out the damage i do to it on a daily basis. Flush the toxins out!

Given the oppertunity, I will binge. Why bother half-stepping? If you’re going to do something you’ll regret later go whole hog. The funny thing is, as i get older I don’t binge, I try the moderation route ( i chalk it up to wisdom) and i find myself in pretty much the same space as if i had binged, but with less money wasted. My addictive personality loves to binge though, and i get to keep tabs on that, which isn’t so bad.

The struggle with the self, and the acceptance of how ridiculous it is is kinda the core of the conundrum of life. What else do you really have going on inside but a constant struggle to balance the person you are with the person you want to be? Binge on life. oh, snap. there ya go. It sounds born-again, but what the hell, get your binge on. Bingin’ on life.

While I’m at it, i need to design a beer called Binge Drinking Beer. The whole animosity (and rightly so, I suppose) behind binge drinking is ripe for some irony. Binge drinking needs an official beer, I can supply that…just gotta figure out a style.

Binge Stylin’.

I get real smart, and then I stupid up.

Crutches

A couple of nights ago, i went and demoed some beer i had made for a group of people who were doing a class with a personal chef. I know this personal chef through my wife, and he is gracious enough to give us some time to talk about our beers and also serve it to the people he is cooking for.  i got to hang out, have some food and gush to people about my beer. it was an amazing experience, getting paid enough money to at least cover the cost of the ingredients for the beer, and talking to people about a beer that i made.  some people may have just been being polite, but most of the responses were  positive ones. but the people who did want to talk to me kept coming back for more, which is a good sign, but i do understand drinking for drinking’s sake.  just generally bonding with people i would have never met otherwise over beer was what made it amazing though.

it makes me think about my personality though, why i dread such things yet enjoy them at the same time. there’s this balance for me between my dad and my mom. both are amazing people to me, but they’re at different ends of the specturm in terms of social engagment. my dad is very gregarious and is one of those people that knows everyone and is always starting conversations. my mom is way more reserved, quiet and almost reclusive. i may not always notice it at the time, but when i reflect on it, i can definitely point to which one was more at the forefront.

I’ve always been more engaged in the side i get from my mom, because it’s easier for me to be quiet and soft spoken in strange situations, and not have to put myself out there. It comes more natural for me. As i get older though, i find my dad coming out more and more. I’m not sure if it’s been the repression or from just being able to notice it more, or just the fact that things naturally become less serious as you get older. It’s somewhere in the middle of all that. It’s less comfortable as a natural introvert, but i find that it makes me feel better when i occassionally step outside of the bubble and embrace the extrovert i know is there.

i have to admit though, alcohol and caffeine help coax him out, the crutches of external elements that help me navigate my life. i hear people talk about alot of things as “crutches” and i see it, i know it. I still don’t see why it is any better to live life without crutches though, without something to support who you are. Exercise and video games are  a crutch for me, but they aren’t my be-all-end-all, and they’re not as distructive as drugs.

It comes down to basically anything that you do to distract you from yourself becomes a crutch, and that sounds pretty bogus to me. find that balance, of course. If i had nothing to distract me form myself, would that make me a better person? More in tune with everything? Happier? It might, i guess i haven’t really tried it.

I guess i don’t see these crutches as something that hold me up to move me forward, but as just something to hold me up so i don’t lie on the ground and surrender to everything around me. There’s something zen in there. I suppose if i could hold myself up without support, I’ll see myself for who i am, in complete and utter acceptance.

I’m not ready for that yet though, not in a proactive sense. When I’m ready, I’ll know it, it just feels like it couldn’t be any other way.

Creation

most of the time, i ask myself what i’m doing here. that i’m beyond this type of self-reflection, that this only does me marginally good. typing like a narcissistic goon, (not)begging for attention.

but whether i like it or not, i come here and create. creation. creating something out of an apparent nothing. a place where unbridled creation is unleashed,  embracing some creative element. most of the time, i would rather consume stuff, but the bug is there to occasionally create something. write my thoughts down, brew some beer, fix something that’s broken. A creative life versus a consumption life, yet another balancing act to strike. consume too much and you just become a receptacle just loaded with facts and ideas. create too much and you get too focused on creating and getting lost in your own world. neither is a bad thing, but much like everything in this world, too much of anything is no good. thank you 3rd grade, for that nugget of wisdom.

the big thing is the quality level. quality is not inherent to creation or consumption, but it’s a big part. i still haven’t figured out quality though. you can feel it in things you create, see it in things you consume. for all i know, it could be the amount of love that goes into or comes out of these objects when you interact with them. it’s impossible to quantify, it can only be done by feeling, but you know it when you see it. it’s a nice thought, anyways.

i think my big problem these days is that i don’t care if i create anything. i enjoy creation but i don’t try and catalog and store alot of it, and the stuff i do still just doesn’t feel like it has enough importance to try and force others to consume what i create. either through laziness or fear of rejection, i don’t know. mostly i think it’s the apathy that is encountered you make something you think is nice. it is presented and summarily dismissed with a shrug and a “meh”, and life goes on. maybe a “that’s nice”.

but so what? if i create something and a bunch of people think it’s the greatest thing ever, then what? my ego gets a little scratch under it’s chin and a treat for being such a good boy, and i’m back to where i started, chasing the high of creating something people think is important to further satiate my ego. it’s a damn vicious cycle, but it all feels like it if i sit down and start thinking hard enough.

let’s turn this around, though. creation does bring a sense of accomplishment, and i suppose that’s about all i can expect from it. at least i can do tangible things for myself, to make me feel better. as long as i’m not hurting anyone else, i can justify what i do for myself, or people i truly care about. there are  not many things in life worrying yourself over, and a sense of accomplishment is a damn fine distraction.

beer might be something worth screaming about from the hilltops for me, but i’d still rather relax than work, and i think that makes all the difference.

you know it when you see it.

Busybody

Totally turned in the paperwork we’ve been assembling for a few weeks for the brewery, thank goodness that ball is at least rolling. it feels good now, but i can see the impending clarifications and resubmissions.  the bulk is there, tweaking is par for the course.

The summer is looming on the horizon, and i can see the demands from here. stacking work, friends, and family all into the schedule is always fun and challenging. now with setting up a business, the hits just keep coming. but i’m doing something i feel is of worth my extra time and effort, and it makes all the difference.

i still have time to do many of the things i need to be happy, but now i’m spread a little more thin. i can do it though. i can be a single layer of oil molecules on a gigantic ocean if i want to be. i can do it all if  i want to.