Category Archives: Boise Life

Living the Dream

Realized my head has been swimming and that I should probably come here. Things are awesome, but the anxiety is killing me. I am off-kilter and out of my mind, but it is by choice. It makes it that much more exciting.

Although this starting a business is making me more the asshole Ryan I don’t like so much, it’s exactly what I need. Taking myself out of my comfort zone always guarantees some growth, which is harder to come by as I get older. It is all money based, yet that’s what makes it feel low risk. Money is money, but no one is going to kill me if i don’t pay them back. Yet.

It’s a little strange to know that failure is an option, but that it does and doesn’t matter. Best-case scenario is us having success to allow us future comfort and that the work we put in now will pay off later, but the fact that there is no guarantee is exhilarating. It’s all cheap-thrills though. I see beyond the veneer, but am also glad that there are other people along for the ride. It makes for a shared experience, and that’s where the value lies.

I’ve realized from being in Boise that anywhere Heather and I decide to reside, we will be a pretty big deal. It might take more time in some places than others, but we can’t help but be awesome. This is circle-jerk egoism, but I try to look at it objectively and understand that we earn it and that it’s not just talk. We have fun because we are who we are, and truly do want everyone else to be involved. I know it’s self-serving because if everyone’s having fun, we’re having more fun. Societal altruism at it’s best (right?).

I feel detached, but I feel in the best way possible. On a certain level, I want to feel this sort of detachment all the time. It’s the zen feeling of letting go of control with complete understanding of the illusion and surrendering. Knowing the idea and feeling the idea are just so different, and realistically, it’s chemically driven a lot of the time. It doesn’t make it any less valid, it just makes it harder to achieve on a regular basis, because chemicals cost money, and achieving it without the support is the true goal. Still, worth every penny.

I know we could have retired at this point. Lived an amazing life based on comfortable living, and built for the future. Apparently, that wasn’t enough so let’s max out a bunch of credit cards and create something for ourselves in this world. That makes me happy. What else should you do in this world but reasonably push the boundaries? Like I said earlier, this is not life and death, just total comfort versus mild discomfort. Life is capricious, but has been extremely kind to us. I like to think that it’s because we have earned it, but I have no idea. I can still draw the conclusion that what we’re doing is working, because life has been very kind. Correlation versus causation be damned, life is good.

Back to Sames-ville

Cliches are a fine art. I remember reading Infinite Jest (jeez, don’t brag) was struck by Mr. Wallace’s idea of striking a balance between cliche and obvious truth, and what a fine balance to walk it is. You know a cliche when you hear it, but you understand a cliche after understanding why it’s a cliche. Heady shit.

I always like to fall back on the cliche of Mrs. Brady: “Wherever you go, there you are”. It’s a saccharine way to remind myself that there’s no escaping myself. After uprooting and moving out of town, and everything familiar to me, I find myself with my frame shifted. It’s not myself I’m trying to distance myself from, it’s other people. Kind of. It’s more the interactions between myself and other people. I’ve had four months dealing with very little in the area of social engagements, and it’s been eye-opening in the area of who I am, as you can’t help but run into people and engage them.

The lack of control that I have in these interactions with other people does not bother me one bit. But I am constantly running into people who care a lot about that type of control. The idea that information is power and then using that power to influence and manipulate, more often than not to your own ends. It might be because I am far too earnest and without guile, but seeing it in action on me or others bugs me. Probably because I have no weapons against it besides silence, or agreeing until they go away.

It’s a fine balance though. I interact with people of my ilk, and feel energized. I interact with bandits, and feel drained. I like interacting with the bandits though, as long as there’s nothing to lose. Then it’s just like watching a performance, where you get to dictate which direction the performer goes in. Funnily enough, there’s the manipulation I detest. It doesn’t feel like manipulation to me because I am not actively trying to drain anything out, they’re going to do it the way they want to anyways.

I find myself meeting more and more people of the ilk though, and identifying the bandits sooner. I like the people I’m finding. This is a great place to be.