Swirl

This is going to be bad, i can tell already.

It will be recorded, regardless.

The anxiety is killing me. Anxiety over nothing, over everything, over ideas i turn in my head and wonder about. I don’t even know what to think about them, it just feels so worthless. All i do is sit and observe, with occasional creations. When thought feels worthless, i can come here and dole it out. Expressing ideas about the inherent worthlessness they contain. The irony is not lost on me.

They come into my head and get turned around up there, examined. A distraction, an exercise in futility. You keep pulling back and the picture gets smaller, the relevance, less. Sometimes it’s fun to analyze ideas, and other times it just seems ridiculous. You do it anyways, because there’s not a whole lot else going on.

You get distracted, and you roll with it. Sometimes they are sought after, sometimes they drop in your lap. Sometimes you are amused, sometimes indifferent. As far as I can tell, it beats the alternative.

So it goes. You can run from yourself, but you can’t hide. Always there in the corner of your mind, pulling strings you can’t even fathom. This sounds worse than it is, really this is some stupid venting. but that was realized at the conception.

so get on with it already. daylight’s a wastin’.

Ween

A couple of months ago, i had a friend buy tickets to a show that we had missed out on 3 years previous. I had never heard of them , but they are his favorite band, and I was intrigued. The band was called Ween, and apparently they’ve been doing goofy rock for decades now.

I listened to some of the music nonchalantly, and saw the silly genius behind their music, but still never really got into them. There’s a ton of music out there, and not all of it goes into heavy rotation.

We went and saw them last night at the Paramount, and I was summarily blown away by the performance. There are some acts that can only be captured in a live venue. It was nothing about their stage precense though, nothing about the visuals or the huge amounts of smoke from smoke machines or anything that did it for me. It was their musicianship, their ability to play tightly together, despite slugging beers and hitting “jazz cigarettes” onstage the entire show. They were serious chameleons of classic rock, with good song writing and solid playing.

I know I’ve always felt a deep affinity for music, but much like everything in my life, i hold it at a distance, and never take it too seriously. That was the vibe i got from the crowd and the performers last night. It’s just music, but let’s do it really well. Let’s have fun. That’s a philosophy i can always get behind.

The fact that this was probably the first show my friend has ever plunked down any amount of money for gave me some perspective too. You gotta figure there’s something special about a band if someone who isn’t that into music (or live shows, anyways) pays to go to a show where the floor sells out overnight. There’s so much music culture I’m not a part of because I can’t pay attention to it all. But if i pay attention to people who appreciate music (or art of any kind, actually) i’ll end up somewhere i didn’t plan. my life needs more of that.

Of Love and Bicycles

For once, I come here with a point to make, an idea to flesh out. I’ve never really sorted out my feelings as a bicyclist in the city of seattle, even though i’m pretty avid about my biking. There was a show about it on KUOW today, and both sides of the issue were being argued by idiots on either extreme, so i felt it was time to iron out my thoughts on the matter.

Here’s my philosophy for bicycle riding, especially in an urban setting: I am invisible. Too many times have I made eye contact with people in cars to establish some form of right-of-way only to almost be hit. I’ve avoided being doored so many times because you have to watch parked cars like hawks while riding along side of them. I can’t expect these people to see me, even in full reflective getup, covered in blinking lights.

I have to make sure I’m not the one getting myself hurt. I feel this is my responsibility because the big inequality in the relationship between bicycles and cars is the size/weight ratio. When the two collide, the most that’s going to happen to a car is some form of body damage. To the bike rider, you can total your bike along with seriously injuring yourself. There’s too much at risk as a bike rider to care about what’s right or lawful with stakes like that. if you get hit on your bike and it’s proven that the driver was at fault and you had the right-of-way, guess who’s still in traction.

So there’s a balance to be struck on how people bike around a city that wants more people to ride but has no money to put in any type bicycle infrastructure. Hell, Seattle has no money for any of it’s infrastructure, period. So yeah, i ride on the sidewalk, sometimes it’s necessary. I have no problem riding on urban streets, but only when the speed limit is 25, and there’s some way to pass me. I’ll sometimes ride the wrong way down a one way, on the sidewalk. I’ll sometimes cut through a median i wouldn’t be able to if i was in a car. This annoys alot of drivers, but i’m invisible, i’m not getting in their way, and i’m not hurting anyone. having a little license to go places you couldn’t in a car is one of the perks of riding a bike. you respect pedestrians, and watch your ass, it’s not that tough.

On both sides of the equation, there are assholes. There are drivers that will yell and throw things at you, there are bike riders who will clog a major arterial by riding three abreast during rush hour. I’ve always dealt with asshole drivers while on bikes but i never realized how bad bike riders could be until I got roped into critical mass once by some people i met at a riding event, and saw the depths of what assholes bike riders could be. It just comes with the territory of being extremely self-righteous with a feeling of superiority, i think. that attitude is a part of both camps, though.

One thing that really bugs me about bike riders is that they complain about getting pushed around by cars when they ride on major arterials. Sometimes you have to ride on an arterial to get over a highway, hit a specific bridge, or get to a specific street. most of the time, there’s at least a shoulder or a sidewalk to use because there are lots of vehicles and pedestrians on these routes. But more often than not, you can head one block over and be in much more bike friendly side streets. You avoid lights, heavy traffic, and the chance of hitting a pedestrian. It’s also a lot more pleasant, and allows you to find better ways to get around the city.

Seattle is a city connected by cars. The metro system is decent, but just barely. Walking is discouraged through few or extremely dilapidated sidewalks. Without the infrastructure, there will be conflict. And just like drivers, there are idiots that ruin it for everyone else. I think that’s the bottom line. Willful or not, uninformed riders are just as bad as uniformed drivers. If you head out on a bike thinking that you always have the right of way due to your on-a-bike nature, you’re gonna get angry when you see not everyone thinks that is so, and most likely get yourself hurt in the process. You can head out in a car thinking the same way, but at least the road system around here is designed for cars.

Everyone just gets it in their heads that drivers treat riders with no respect, and vice versa. When in reality, there’s a few idiots on either extreme out there, making it happen. My bike riding is always a pleasant experience, because i’ve ridden long enough to have common sense about what i can and probably shouldn’t try to get away with, and better routes to take.

I love riding my bike and will continue to do so. Even if we get some of the best infrastructure in the world, i’m not going to start thinking cars can see me anytime soon. I can get away with more if i’m invisible.

Welcome Back!

I go away for a week on my own, and suddenly ben has three posts up. the prodigal son returns! good to see a familiar face around here.

otherwise, i got nothing to contribute, i’ve been using slow work times to live it up. drink beer and be happy!

Important

Sometimes everything seems important.

Sometimes nothing seems important.

What’s the difference, where does the delineation lie? Sometimes my breain tells me that ideas are important. New ones, old ones, ones that pique my interest, or not. Then it turns around and when i start picking at the idea, it immediately jumps straight to “what’s the difference”. Not just idea picking though, all incoming information gets passed through that filter, first and foremost.

This idea is always within ideas, but at times like these, my brain is more apt to agree with them, rather than point out how negative and unconstructive it is. It really bugs me because I know I’ll get over this feeling and things will go back to normal. But that whole idea of changing perspective on a time continuum lies near the foundation of this “what’s the difference” idea.

Commit to something and change your mind. Think one way about something then change your mind. Change your mind about something and then change your mind. It’s inevitable, like alot of things going on in life.

So since there’s a choice, the obvious way to go is the one that causes less pain, right? Right. Of course it doesn’t work that way though, i can only force my brain to embrace so much joy, without going to check on how pain’s coming along. Interest in one grows, the other wanes. It has to be like this, but I’m also supposed to be this construct of a person that deals with others. I guess it fits in because it has to.

Deep.

Introvert

The title says it all, one of those have the title before going in pieces. Days like these where all I want to do is live inside my head and have no one bother me. I can barely wrap myself around my brain, and the idea of using words to express this to others is just something I don’t want to do. I can still exist, but I’d rather do so very outwardly silent.

I can come here though. I can listen to others, but am pressed to respond. I can do whatever I want, to a point. I balance the comfort I feel within myself with how it’s projected out to others. As well as I can, anyways. I get the sneaking suspicion I’ve been caught, but what the hell does that mean.

you know what it is.

get back inside your head, and live it up.

Government Booze

Man, i was already so convinced that the initiative to privatize liquor sales was so locked i didn’t even consider it wouldn’t pass. It makes sense when i think about it, considering this state’s nanny-like qualities, but still, i thought this had a chance.

I don’t really give a damn about being able to buy liqour at Safeway for cheaper, or ideals like the government meddling in private affairs. It was going to bust down the three-tier system completely out of state law, and it would have made it so much easier as a brewery for us to distribute our product, whenever it gets to that. There are still much bigger obstacles for us to overcome, but that would have made it easier for us in the long run.

Ah well, it’s not like bottle shops and beer bars have disappeared, there are still plenty of places to get great beer around the city. I mostly make my own these days, anyways.

Condolences to people who enjoy martinis and scotch, though. You still gotta go to the state for your booze needs.

Work it Out

It’s crazy how much work almost becomes a refuge away from your real life. The things you love end up being way more taxing and time-consuming that the ol’ 9 to 5. I spent both my weekend days doing mostly the crappy work of brewing beer. This entails mostly bottle cleaning and putting said beer in those bottles. As i was skinning my 200th bottle or so, i thought to myself :

“this sucks, but hey, at least I’m only accountable to myself and my own standards.”

it made me smile in the moment, but i almost think it was to fool myself from the drudgery of the work i was doing. work is always gonna be work, no matter what I do to try and get around it. I think that’s what i’ve always though, and why jobs feel so superfluous to me. I can get work done, and after a bit of time of doing the same types of jobs, i can do it super-efficiently. huzzah for you dude.

you know why you work hard and get super efficient though. It’s so you’ll be done with work quicker and you can get around to all those self-enriching, non-destructive things you’d rather be doing than working. Which will bore you eventually if you don’t have a job to get super-efficient at. because being super efficient in your leisure is no way to do it.

that sounds like work.

Binge

For one reason or another, I have been coming here infrequently. Not enough drive. Now I’m coming here about everyother day, even though I don’t really have anything to say. I just feel like saying something, anything. Writing helps categorize my thoughts, even if I haven’t been thinking about much. But if i didn’t come here, i would just observe, observe, observe, and never get anything out of it, because if i don’t reflect on it, then i am just doing it to entertain myself.

which makes sense, i love entertaining myself. I try not to do it at other’s expense, but i can hardly tell the difference anymore. Superiority lingers just below it all, as ridiculous as it always is. Get superior over your self, act bigger than you are. Act less superior in attempts to bridge chasms, while thinking otherwise.

Act one way, think another. Or just not think, your brain can go where it wants, but you don’t have to pay attention. It’s more fun to pay attention to your gut feeling, as uniformed as it may be. I read Blink though, so now I can see how much is informed by all those gut decisions, snap-decisions, and the unconcious.

Also water intake. Being dehydrated is no way to leave your body, and yet i do it everyday with beer and coffee. Oh, such an idiot.

Just came back from the water fountain. I binged hard on that shit in an attempt to rehydrate. I’ll end up urinating most of it out, but it’s the thought that counts, most of it will stick around in my body to try and clean out the damage i do to it on a daily basis. Flush the toxins out!

Given the oppertunity, I will binge. Why bother half-stepping? If you’re going to do something you’ll regret later go whole hog. The funny thing is, as i get older I don’t binge, I try the moderation route ( i chalk it up to wisdom) and i find myself in pretty much the same space as if i had binged, but with less money wasted. My addictive personality loves to binge though, and i get to keep tabs on that, which isn’t so bad.

The struggle with the self, and the acceptance of how ridiculous it is is kinda the core of the conundrum of life. What else do you really have going on inside but a constant struggle to balance the person you are with the person you want to be? Binge on life. oh, snap. there ya go. It sounds born-again, but what the hell, get your binge on. Bingin’ on life.

While I’m at it, i need to design a beer called Binge Drinking Beer. The whole animosity (and rightly so, I suppose) behind binge drinking is ripe for some irony. Binge drinking needs an official beer, I can supply that…just gotta figure out a style.

Binge Stylin’.

I get real smart, and then I stupid up.

Mt. Rainier

I can’t believe that everything lined up for it, but yesterday around 9 AM, I made my way to the top of Mt. Rainier. The feeling I got from this was indescribable, but i can put out there that it was the hardest thing I have ever done, and probably will ever do. The more i think back on it, the more crazy it seems. I did it, but I still can’t believe it.