Category Archives: Denial

Self-Involved

It’s late, and there may not be the time i would like to put into a post, but i am drawn, i am am beckoned. my mindset is trying to provoke me into some analysis, because when the mind is like this, it is best to strike while the iron is hot. i could easily placate this feeling by switching on the TV, but I can tell it won’t cut it tonight. something needs to be said, and I need to say it. here. uh huh, just get it off your chest already.

it’s nothing in particular though. life is back to its particular grind. it is doing what it normally does, and i try and fit my schedule around it. there is my grandma dying going on right now, but that’s a subject for another post. I don’t know if i’m ready for that one yet.

wow, that just sucked all the wind out of my sails. anything i may have wanted to reflect on just got snuffed. the pettiness of my life gets put in perspective, and isn’t that what you wanted anyways? it’s here and then it isn’t.

and then something happened.

Crutches

A couple of nights ago, i went and demoed some beer i had made for a group of people who were doing a class with a personal chef. I know this personal chef through my wife, and he is gracious enough to give us some time to talk about our beers and also serve it to the people he is cooking for.  i got to hang out, have some food and gush to people about my beer. it was an amazing experience, getting paid enough money to at least cover the cost of the ingredients for the beer, and talking to people about a beer that i made.  some people may have just been being polite, but most of the responses were  positive ones. but the people who did want to talk to me kept coming back for more, which is a good sign, but i do understand drinking for drinking’s sake.  just generally bonding with people i would have never met otherwise over beer was what made it amazing though.

it makes me think about my personality though, why i dread such things yet enjoy them at the same time. there’s this balance for me between my dad and my mom. both are amazing people to me, but they’re at different ends of the specturm in terms of social engagment. my dad is very gregarious and is one of those people that knows everyone and is always starting conversations. my mom is way more reserved, quiet and almost reclusive. i may not always notice it at the time, but when i reflect on it, i can definitely point to which one was more at the forefront.

I’ve always been more engaged in the side i get from my mom, because it’s easier for me to be quiet and soft spoken in strange situations, and not have to put myself out there. It comes more natural for me. As i get older though, i find my dad coming out more and more. I’m not sure if it’s been the repression or from just being able to notice it more, or just the fact that things naturally become less serious as you get older. It’s somewhere in the middle of all that. It’s less comfortable as a natural introvert, but i find that it makes me feel better when i occassionally step outside of the bubble and embrace the extrovert i know is there.

i have to admit though, alcohol and caffeine help coax him out, the crutches of external elements that help me navigate my life. i hear people talk about alot of things as “crutches” and i see it, i know it. I still don’t see why it is any better to live life without crutches though, without something to support who you are. Exercise and video games are  a crutch for me, but they aren’t my be-all-end-all, and they’re not as distructive as drugs.

It comes down to basically anything that you do to distract you from yourself becomes a crutch, and that sounds pretty bogus to me. find that balance, of course. If i had nothing to distract me form myself, would that make me a better person? More in tune with everything? Happier? It might, i guess i haven’t really tried it.

I guess i don’t see these crutches as something that hold me up to move me forward, but as just something to hold me up so i don’t lie on the ground and surrender to everything around me. There’s something zen in there. I suppose if i could hold myself up without support, I’ll see myself for who i am, in complete and utter acceptance.

I’m not ready for that yet though, not in a proactive sense. When I’m ready, I’ll know it, it just feels like it couldn’t be any other way.

Creation

most of the time, i ask myself what i’m doing here. that i’m beyond this type of self-reflection, that this only does me marginally good. typing like a narcissistic goon, (not)begging for attention.

but whether i like it or not, i come here and create. creation. creating something out of an apparent nothing. a place where unbridled creation is unleashed,  embracing some creative element. most of the time, i would rather consume stuff, but the bug is there to occasionally create something. write my thoughts down, brew some beer, fix something that’s broken. A creative life versus a consumption life, yet another balancing act to strike. consume too much and you just become a receptacle just loaded with facts and ideas. create too much and you get too focused on creating and getting lost in your own world. neither is a bad thing, but much like everything in this world, too much of anything is no good. thank you 3rd grade, for that nugget of wisdom.

the big thing is the quality level. quality is not inherent to creation or consumption, but it’s a big part. i still haven’t figured out quality though. you can feel it in things you create, see it in things you consume. for all i know, it could be the amount of love that goes into or comes out of these objects when you interact with them. it’s impossible to quantify, it can only be done by feeling, but you know it when you see it. it’s a nice thought, anyways.

i think my big problem these days is that i don’t care if i create anything. i enjoy creation but i don’t try and catalog and store alot of it, and the stuff i do still just doesn’t feel like it has enough importance to try and force others to consume what i create. either through laziness or fear of rejection, i don’t know. mostly i think it’s the apathy that is encountered you make something you think is nice. it is presented and summarily dismissed with a shrug and a “meh”, and life goes on. maybe a “that’s nice”.

but so what? if i create something and a bunch of people think it’s the greatest thing ever, then what? my ego gets a little scratch under it’s chin and a treat for being such a good boy, and i’m back to where i started, chasing the high of creating something people think is important to further satiate my ego. it’s a damn vicious cycle, but it all feels like it if i sit down and start thinking hard enough.

let’s turn this around, though. creation does bring a sense of accomplishment, and i suppose that’s about all i can expect from it. at least i can do tangible things for myself, to make me feel better. as long as i’m not hurting anyone else, i can justify what i do for myself, or people i truly care about. there are  not many things in life worrying yourself over, and a sense of accomplishment is a damn fine distraction.

beer might be something worth screaming about from the hilltops for me, but i’d still rather relax than work, and i think that makes all the difference.

you know it when you see it.

Going Places

Are you going somewhere? How’s it working out for you? I think it’s going pretty OK, no real complaints. I just observe it everywhere. People are doing things this very second, things that are important. A never ending, slow grind of importance.

There’s really no reason not to, but i like to get reflective about it occasionally. viewing the process from the outside, feeling absurd, and then getting right back to it. life still hasn’t stopped since i started reflecting on it, and i figure it’s going to keep heading in that direction.

Information comes in and immediately, my brain just starts going “who cares? i mean, really, who cares?”. the cynical filter turns on and all incoming stimuli has a negative edge to it. it works both ways though, i feel the same damn way about any information i can create. so i come here, try and hash it out, all the while thinking “really, who cares?”.  it’s ridiculous.

Something has to come out of these feelings though, something more than just a cynical, existential rant along the lines of “who cares! you’re gonna die anyways” which is what this line of reasoning normally devolves into. it’s during times like these that i can barely talk to people. most conversation revolves around complaining and i can’t take it. most of the time, i can deal, relate a little. it never hurt anyone to complain a little to shoot the shit. othertimes all i want to say is something along the lines of  “got any solutions?” and that doesn’t go over very well.

so i do what i’ve learned to do, be quiet and just let it pass. i’ll get over myself, and opening my mouth leads to more problems than keeping it shut. is this growth? really, who cares?

there has to be something more to get out of this than resignation, a reason this side of my personality flares up. maybe self-preservation. maybe self-loathing. maybe self-pity. whatever it is, i’m positive it is narcissistic and selfish. i can’t see these feelings supporting any other purpose but to stoke my ego a little bit and tell myself that yes it is all crazy, it’s not just me. but everything is crazy, me included. there are no rational ports in this storm. there is no storm. everything’s just happening, and then it’s happening somehow else.

Yeah, that’s the gist of it. there’s not much to get out of this state, it just has to happen to balance out the other somehows. your brain freaks out because it’s a freaking computer based around chemical signals, and they’re all finding homeostasis based on stimuli. the lack of control is exhilarating.

So it goes. with the context of the word “exhilarating”, it clicks.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.