Category Archives: Uncategorized

Too Satisfied to Write

The usual open line. Long time, no see, bloggie. Exposition. Thensome other descriptive words. Conclusion.

I used to come here because I had things I wanted to hash out, but also because I enjoy writing. The bug is not there at all right now though, the comfort I have with my life is so high right now it borders on ecstasy. Even when I get those sneaking suspicions that I’m a fraud, not cool enough, blindly stumbling, or just clueless, it is so muted. It didn’t even take some huge life threatening disaster or calamity, just a complete frame shift of what it means to be happy.

Everything has been downsized since I moved to Boise, and that simplification has been everything. Everything is just so much more manageable now, from social engagements to work load, to free time. There is more balance in my life, and it feels effortless. Everyone we are involved with now is amazing. It doesn’t even feel too good to be true, it just feels like it was always supposed to be this way.

The dream is almost fully realized. Heather can quit her shitty retail job soon, and get on bullet train to awesome-town that i’m already on. We fit right into the beer community here, and it’s crazy to see people start recognizing that in us. I’m not shy to say that I helped create something, and that it would not be the same without me. It’s not about bolstering my ego though, it feels like genuine appreciation for me being me. It feels right.

 

Muse

Whoa nelly, stop the presses. This is a bunch of writing in a small frame of time, especially for my present-self. It’s because I’m trying to flex those muscles again, get them pumped. I keep coming back here with massive intentions, with my muse screaming at me to get something down while the feeling of wanting to create is fresh on my mind. It really is strange to think of some muse, but it’s there. There are times I couldn’t force myself to write the smallest tid-bit of stupid, but that feeling creeps in, and everything I write out is pure gold. I come here though, so there’s little self-editing, and zero research, making it beyond easy to sit down and hammer out some non-sense.

What do you dictate of me, oh muse? Bring something out of the inky-black depths of my sub-conscious? Perhaps reflect on something of great importance I hadn’t considered until this moment? Or maybe just vomit all over the keyboard and get it out with all of the concern laid on catharsis and none on editing?

It’s weird because the pull is very real, that pull to write. I’ve been too tired and exhausted recently to do anything, but now here I am, hammering it out. There is no immediate need, no immediate idea, just a need to type something out. Tonight, this is what I will get from my muse. There’s excitement though, because I feel there is so much to type about, so much to write and put into words. I know it’s all about beer, too. That is what I am going to write about, that is what i will draw inspiration and joy out of.

I know this is what  my muse (and gumption) will start pointing towards. My work and passion are starting to come out of the woodwork and fuse together into something I can tame and master.

Or maybe not. Maybe I just need to be able to unleash them and deal with the consequences later. Really, if I could predict my muse, I’d be rich.

The Heist

I had to come here because I just had a musical moment unlike any other I’ve had in my life. Dramatic, I know.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis just released their first full-length album to what already sounds like crazytown. #1 on Itunes? From Seattle? Did that just happen?

So I listened to the new album, and was immediately getting goosebumps and out-of-control emotional. A quarter of the songs on this guy are songs that I have seen live which adds a ludicrous amount of backstory, because I lived them and am now finally getting to hear these songs in the context of an album. Which for me, is an amazing insight into the rest of the album at the same time.

The thing is, this is one of the first times in a long long time that I have been able to be completely un-objective about a piece of art, especially a musical one. There’s just too much history and I could give less of a shit about being critical in any shape or fashion. This album is good and I really only care about one other person’s opinion in the matter and for once, I feel I have seen enough to reach a completely biased conclusion because I say so. The fact that this is small-potatoes compared to many problems in and around my life is not lost on me, it just feels good to take something subjective and create a tailor-made objective reality.

I like the  really happy one where my wife and I dance and scream like idiots in the middle of neumos, completely surrendered to the moment and having the time of our lives.

Positive Force

Editor’s note: I totally started this one months ago, and just came back with a gusto to write something. Glad I gave myself the opportunity to polish this turd, it was pretty ranty before. Now it’s been gussied up and is just mildly ranty.

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Here I sit, existing and typing. Existing in a life that I might as well think of as my choosing. Why not? All I can do is exert some action, and let it run. Newton’s second law of thermodynamics tells me that this energy is going to push something somewhere and add to entropy.

On this entropic quest, I am what I am. The more I try and break it down into something that I have control over, the less I’m in control. I stare at this paradox and swing from end to end, trying to determine something subjectively good out of it. Good for me, of course. What else would make it good?

I look around me and all I see is ego. It isn’t really that much of a surprise though, why shouldn’t there be? What else is there to do but express your preference to an indifferent universe? It only makes sense to have a preference, something you would prefer to do given the multitude of choices. So the question is, how to frame said preferences if apathy lies at the root of it all.

I impose importance to the things that I choose, and then….stupid. It doesn’t matter how much I try and self-deprecate, or self-glorify, it all smacks of stupid if I sit here and pick it apart. I guess I’m looking for something right in the middle between awareness and its implications. I’m absolutely sure I can’t put it into words, but here we go.

In the end, ego rules the day. It’s the force I feel I rail against more than any other idea in my life. That idea of self-importance really just gets to me. As a conscious being , the logical next step in any situation is to think of myself as important. It’s just as easy to pull back and look from a distance though, gazing from a detached perspective. Detached-me really has it figured out, riding a wave of zen out to destinations unknown, and loving it. In the meantime,  real-me sits and grapples with trivial things and remains relevant due to the immediacy of its nature. Everything always seems so important with a view from the top.

Despite this immense privilege, I feel it around me, what I perceive to be negative energy. I swim through it dealing in the way I feel is positive. No real reason,  just because. It’s very self-serving and a fine demonstration of delusional thinking to outside observers. It’s just too easy to think without being aware of every angle of that thought, leaving so many gaps and blind spots. Typing it out is one step, at least I don’t have to worry about the thought police (cue the ominous music)…or do I? Nope, probably have to worry if it’s just existential bullshit.

That inherent bullshit just screams at me though, I have no idea why I don’t completely submit and embrace the cynical bastard I am. I have every resource at my disposal to do so. It comes back to the laziness idea, in the end it’s just too much work. Change is exhausting and hard, and my infinitely complex and multi-faceted self reels at the possible outcomes.

Something about my being won’t let the idea (and the feeling, more importantly) of empathy go. Just thinking about it now, it makes total sense. Somehow, my ego feeds my empathy. It seems completely counter-intuitive, but it rings true when I type it. I take all my self-importance, and temper it with a healthy dose of laziness. Apparently, I have decided whatever I’m doing now is the easiest thing to do.

Until more information crops of, of course. Then one more arm can be added to the fractal, and I can continue down the spiral with greater efficiency.

Cheers, you cynical bastard.

Spaceman Spiff

The title says so much for me. It’s a starting point, not an afterthought.

I recently moved back in with my parents, and upon digging through piles of my incoming stuff and stuff I left when I moved out, I found piles of Calvin and Hobbes. It made me happier than I thought it would, as it has really turned into something worth revisiting since I dedicated myself to it back when I was 12.

The dry humor, the verbosity, the philosophical bent, the illustrations that are a world unto themselves. All of it brings me back to my childhood, and then right back to my (child-inspired) adulthood,  a simple comic melding the two into something new. Bringing up ideas that made sense to me then, and makes even more sense now. I believe this has something to do with wisdom, but I’m not going to commit to an idea like that.

Beyond the simple metaphor of comic strips though, so much is going on. It’s strange to think that one of  the northwest’s most violent strings of time coincides with your seeming growth, but there it is, coincidence at the ready to be folded into the narcissistic and selfish ideas of yourself.  Why else would they exist?

I just feel myself letting go. Ready for change, ready to be a master of my destiny and scream off into the cosmos as Spaceman Spiff in a little red ship. A hero of my own design, existing in a world I have no control over. Fate, fortune, and a willingness to show up all melding into something I want, something where I don’t even care that I’m fooling myself into thinking I have a modicum of control.

All I see now is my dreams on the horizon, ready to be fulfilled. Patiently waiting for me to catch up, with full awareness that it was an inevitability. It doesn’t even matter how much delusion these ideas contain, because it is beyond delusion now. It is full-blown acceptance, striving to hit light-speed. My life is malleable, my terms are malleable, but my soul is not. It will achieve its goals by any means necessary, yet prove it can be done while still adhering to the golden rule. It will be fully-aware, but knowing when it needs to turn a blind-eye. It will be a testament to the heights of humanity, knowing just how chock-full of hypocrisy it is.

It will be a paradox. But it will be mine.

Still Existing

Ya know, I was suddenly struck to come here for no reason at all. Mostly because I haven’t posted anything in months. mostly because I’m bored.

Ideas are still around, and just in these few sentences, I’m realizing how soothing it is to basically type free-form thoughts straight from my head as opposed to an article i try and craft and have to re-read and edit a couple times. and extreme run-on sentences, i love those. it’s freeing to just use my writing voice, and feeling that it doesn’t need to go anywhere, say anything.

that’s been missing for months. just the idea that no idea can stack up to the importance i try and place on it. breathing a little, laughing, and throwing out a few cliches. as a writer of blogs, it’s what i do best.

it boils down to just doing things occasionally, flexing the muscles you think have atrophied, only to realize you’re an idiot and you do things because of obligations self-imposed or otherwise.

just because it’s inconsequential doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary. sometimes, you just come to grips with things because it seems like more work to pick it apart into its pieces than to just go with it. sometimes, the components are everything. sometimes, they don’t matter.

everytime, it really just depends on how i’m feeling that day.

Off the Grid

This weekend, i have this whole itinerary where I’m biking from work to my parent’s house to a beer fest, and then back to my parents house, because i wanted to do a little training for the STP and this is a practical way to go about it. save a little gas money in the meantime, as well.

I totally forgot my phone at home today,and won’t be getting it back until sometime late tomorrow. It’s kind of liberating. People are going to try and get ahold of me and think I’m a total jerk for not getting back to them immediately. More likely, no one is actually going to try and get ahold of me, as everyone leads busy weekends in the summer.

I kinda love doing shit like this though. It’s not like i can’t come to the internet, or have access to phones in other places i go. It’s just inconvenient enough to get ahold of me now. the ball’s in my court now, i will be getting a hold of YOU when i damn well feel like it.

what a time we live in! i have expectations of instant gratification in every aspect of my life. it’s nice to pull back from that for a moment or two, and realize just how silly it is sometimes. what’s not important will soon become not-important again, and life will carry on.

Ex

So this is part of my punishment, i suppose. having an idea, a fully-fleshed idea ready to go, and then forgotten. it had something to do with starting with “Ex”. Exaltation, extension, expensive, it doesn’t matter. As important as that idea may have seemed at the time, this one takes it’s place. you forgot a seemingly important idea. despite how important that first one may have been, aren’t you here now because of it? and aren’t you now expressing said idea inferiorly?

good job idiot, this is the life you live. just the thought of leaving this thought unedited leaves you happy. it would be incomprehensible. you’re not that drunk, but typing takes focus, and you’re too mad at yourself to do so properly. the filters you have in place at least take up enough space to keep you from doing this raw.

the conception was a good thought though, and hopefully, you can find your way back to it.

this does not bode well for your ideal self though, typed in words that are socially acceptable. true definitions are not beyond you, but are beyond what you are willing to expose to those who may discover who you are.

it feels like bullshit to type in code, but at the same time, it makes you think. the thought strikes you though: really this is stupid all-around, and anyone hoping to get anything out of this beyond yourself  is getting what they paid for.

now get back to rememberin’. who else is it going to do any good for?

Wake Up

You know you have power. Is it fear that holds it back? Fear of power? the idea that you can control things and influence? but if you hold that power, it inevitablly will be lost. fear of loss? so why even exert it in the first place. if you save it, then it will be there when you need it and not needlessly used on such unpredictable things, things you surrender control to.
You say that because you only see trends, you only see what you want to understand, and don’t really bother second guessing that which you can’t. unless it’s in this introspective, got-too-much-time-on-your-hands doldrums that you have that luxury. and luxurious it is. so stop reading this incessantly and get on with living. now is not a time to reflect, but a time to act, a time to generate content while the iron is hot.
do it!

Something New

I like ben’s last post.

The idea of striving for something that is really nothing is something that’s always struck me about life in general. Water flowing to a pool by any means necessary, the easier the better.

The irony of escaping systems always cracks me up as well, it’s like trying to escape life without dying. What’s the first thing you do after breaking out of a system? Set up a new one. Bonuses being that you at least get to be in charge, and it tends to be less violent these days. There’s some serious issues of control buried in there, though.

Just some response thoughts, i’m not here to get terribly deep today, but we’ll see. I got no plan, just a two week gap in posts and some downtime.

The two weeks is strange to me. I have done alot in my life since my last post, but would be perfectly content to not list any of it here, when really it’s what i should be doing. I’ve been having some rocking times over the past few weekends, and in the long run, this blog is for me. If i end up living to be 80, i want to be able to read about things i did back in the day when i was young and actually had to go places to interact with people. I’d rather just list them bullet style, since hopefully my memory will be good enough to fill in the gaps.

-Making an awesome, nothing went wrong batch of beer out at my parents house.

-Going with a co-worker and my wife to the showbox for the sasquatch line-up announcement party and jetting after mad rad and das rascist, only to find out macklemore got some stage time later in the evening.

-Running around with the filthy beer gang and going to see Mark Farina kill it live at neumos, where i danced until my entire shirt was a much darker shade of green.

-Hanging out with new law peeps around beltown where i found some jolly roger on tap, then managed to get dick’s later in the night after having the window shut on us after seeing farina.

-Having an awesome valentine’s day with my wife where we urban hiked, napped, and saw Rock of Ages.

-Getting into the groove of the bi-monthly event of taking my grandpa to the snoqualmie casino, then wrapping up the day playing hours of video games and drinking homebrews with the filthy crew.

Putting it all in list form like that is such a great reminder. I have so much awesome stuff going on in my life, all the time. Just like i need to remind myself of how superfluous and insignificant i can be at times, i can also remind myself of other things less existential. swing that camera around to point at whatever i want.

ebb and flow, baby…so it goes.