so let’s get this started. i feel the need to write, but it might be sporadic. so i do what i can, and maybe contribute to this, starting frantic and ending on a beautifully poetic note. aim for the moon, right? land among the stars?

i guess i have to just go right off the bat and just state that i have been sitting on the sidelines with ben here. not because i don’t care, but as was pointed out, this forum is something different. something very meta and self-serving with a dash of the narcissistic. it’s impossible to know anything too specific about anyone, because it’s basically impossible to explain. people are constructs of ideas, based on values and judgments that they arrive at but can’t ultimately explain. sure, you can get a solid idea of how a person would react in any given situation, but it’s the fact that knowing the reasons behind any particular action are beyond personal. they’re just a part of something that is inherent in the makeup of you as a person, and that “soul” is tough enough to define, let alone pin down. but some struggles are personal. you can offer advice and well-wishes, but that kind of advice is for people who don’t strive for a true understanding of themselves and just want some reassurance. some journeys are meant to be done individually for them to have any real worth. it’s kinda funny and ironic that i throw this out as passive-aggressive advice when i say that i shouldn’t be offering up anything….but what else can i tell my hypocritical self? welcome to being human.

so that happened. and some other stuff. i’ve been so wrapped up in my existential self that it feels more than a little inane. i’d like to think that i don’t know how to handle my physical self in this universe, but that would be a lie. i just do what i do, as i’ve always done. questioning it is more of just a way to pass time and maybe gain a little perspective, but the more questions asked, the more that pop up. that was one thing that struck me a couple of nights ago when i ended up on some tangent of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. it was the fact that questions about reality (or almost any system we can categorize) are fractals. questions will inevitably lead to more questions, branching out at an exponential rate. leading nowhere and everywhere. an endless line of questions that need answers, with no ultimate goal except to answer the current one. which can be a mind-boggling concept, so in my case, i choose to ignore it.

but i don’t ignore it. it just gets pushed to the side as some oddball concept in my otherwise only- slightly-insane world. i mean, it only makes sense that you just ask questions forever, right? what the hell would you do with an ultimate answer anyways? at that point every good and evil ever created would be ripped from its place of slumber and eradicated, because there would be no use for them, what with having the ultimate answer and everything. slightly bitter blogs and crazy rants have no place in a world of ultimate answers.

so boil it down and make a decision! use the construct you have and make it more pliable. make a decision to enjoy something and you can eventually get down with it. decide to hate something and stick to it, and in all this craziness around us, at least you will have made the active decision to express that emotion, because you can. the reason so much feels arbitrary in this world is because it is. change is always within your reach, even if it exceeds your grasp. all you can do is try to make decisions that are true to yourself. it’s the only thing you have control over.

but at the same time, that doesn’t mean they’re not arbitrary.

encapsulate this space with this, something written down. straight from my inner monologue, spaced out at the tempo that my hands can move across this keyboard. it gives a weird staccato to a dialogue that normally moves along at a conversational pace. so i type like this, trying to keep up with that inner voice, having a conversation with myself.

so then, what would you like to talk about?

hmmm, good question, my brain feels a bit on the ridiculous side. but that normally happens after long weekends that tend to short things out, until they have a little downtime to recover. but it was a good weekend. didn’t get to meet with dave, but it should happen soon, so there’s no worries there. saturday night made me remember how awesome it is to dance, especially to drum and bass. and i got sick so got in plenty of vid time. i was gonna play loads of persona 4 anyways, i just had to use many more blankets to keep myself comfortable. now it’s back to work, and everything is fine.

everything is fine, what else really is there to say? i plan and plan to keep myself out of uncomfortable situations, so now i reap the rewards. and it makes me happy. so much to be thankful for, but no way to express it without doing it in a way that would sound disingenuous. that’s how it would sounds to me anyways. all i really feel comfortable with is focusing on how i feel at this exact moment, knowing that this can’t last forever. not in the sense that it will change for better or for worse, but that there is impermanence in all of this, and i feel comfort in that.

this is my life, the choice i decided to make.

ahhhh, this hasn’t happened for a bit. room to breath, room to do stuff like come here randomly and shower everyone who comes here with confetti like bits of wisdom and observance, thrown haphazardly around and leaving the mess around for someone else to sweep up. who am i kidding, i sweep it up. then dump it back where it came from so that it can mix around a bit before i reach into the confetti bin the next time i’m here. reduce, reuse, recycle, i say. ideas are not exempt.

and then things got busy. of course, i’m also trying to get out of here so we can hit the road for mike’s wedding. i am really looking forward to this, i sense the components of legend in the air.

so here’s some quick observations, just some jots in the notebook. i hear everyone talking about global warming alot. from what i can tell listening to various experts, they all agree on the fact that the earth is a huge environment, with millions of effects driving change at all possible moments. so let me throw this out there. it’s too late to stop alot of the catastrophes that are going to occur. i think the biggest one is going to be keeping fresh water around. it’s going to be tough enough to keep some around for drinking, let alone agriculture.

there are just too many people on this earth to stunt the events already put into motion, like the acidification of the ocean, and extreme melting of the icecaps. too many vicious cycles have already started, and the time frame of how the planet earth acts as an environment is probably shorter than we think. we can prepare or blunt what is going to happen, but the bottom line is that there is going to be a load of suffering as water cycles start changing up their frequency, and location.

I’m not saying that it’s time to give up and not do anything, but even if we could put every single policy into place to reverse the trend right now, it would still be too late. not to be a downer here, and i would rather be proved wrong, but i just think that with all the crazy industrialization going on around the world and such a huge population to sustain, the earth is going to get a tummy-ache. earth to humans: live everyday like it was your last!

i feel like i’ve typed this out already. well, here it is again!

connections. the word holds quite a bit of possibility. it certainly has a draw to it. i just have to find that next sentence, that next connection to keep the ball rolling. because if it stops then it just takes that much more of an effort to get the momentum back up.

and then, bam.

switch up the music, get a smile on your face. and that’s the thing with music. all this crap i throw out there about how language is so imperfect for expressing thoughts…bring on the music. express a feeling through tones and inflection. go for straight time if you’re feeling direct, 3/4 time if you’re feeling a bit more circuitous. get up with the major, get down with the minor. do whatever you want! just like languages there are rules, but none of them are hard and fast, get artistic on that shit.

so there’s that. i just need to pull my head out of the clouds for a second and blink a couple of times to clear my eyes. take a deep breath. and smile a little, why not?

switch up the music again, think, reflect.

i’ve been here before. again. just like i wanted to be. relaxing, feeling my body, taking a deep breath and smiling. and then remember to pull myself back down again. think objectively and look around. yup, everything seems to be in place. it must be why it’s so tough to think of things to type about at this moment. when it feels like every story i can tell is inconsequential, yet central to my growth as a person, it’s a feeling of dichotomy that is tough to contain. the meta nature of it feels like an old coat i’ve gotten used to wearing, but only for practical purposes.

seriously, just let my subconscious run free and this is what happens. all my happiness seems to stem from melancholy these days, and i can’t be sure if that’s a great thing anymore. it is for sure, but balance it out for god’s sake. turn your brain on occasionally. coming here is a cry for help, you know, from my ego and id to my super-ego. grow a backbone and do something. all these ideas and all talk. be the change you want to see in the world. be!

yup! and all i can guarantee is i’ll see you when i see you. and then give a jaunty smile and a wave. 🙂

hahaha, i can’t believe i was just gonna end a post with a :). that makes me smile and laugh.

happy 28th!

words have a certain draw to them. for instance, i try to think of something to write here, right up to the very last minute. like i know i need to come here, but i haven’t planned out a goddamn thing and am trying to think of something right before the buzzer. outwit myself into thinking of something somewhat interesting to write about. but that’s what that draw is. thinking of something random like “clueless” and then thinking for a moment, trying to coax the little idea that may be crouching behind it out into the open. like you feel it drifting away, but it doesn’t do so at a hurried pace, it almost sticks around, daring you to find something meaningful to attribute to it. and then it still mostly ends up slipping away.

so why was i here again? feelin’ the itch i suppose. to express some prose. and be opposed. to girls with clothes.

ok, that was terrible, but it makes me laugh.

there’s no reason i shouldn’t be doing something i love right now.

uhhh, don’t take that the wrong way.

you know, it’s wierd. i sometimes look at the life that i choose to lead, and i can’t but help and feel how ridiculous it is. at another moment though, i can look at it with a sense of wonder and awe that feels ridiculous, but calming at the same time. this life was meant to be lead, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

so there’s no reason i shouldn’t be doing something i love right now.

this is the life i lead. apparently. i don’t know what to really make of it at all anymore. but did i ever? i get this angry over a stupid job. i mean, i should be expecting to be getting out of there four hours late when it’s this busy, but it just made me mad today. i should be happy to have a job, i mean with the recession on and everything. i’m grateful for that, but i had this weird anger today, almost a self satisfied thing. i’m not even sure it was anger, i could only describe it as a self-sureness. not so much in myself though, but in my role on this earth. it doesn’t make any sense. it does, but it doesn’t. i exist and it’s pretty grand. but really, that’s about all i can expect.

the gift and the curse of being self-aware is that you can’t know what it’s like to not be self-aware. sure, i can get a good idea of it since i can be aware of my thoughts and project them however i like, but i can’t know. i mean, once you realize that you are a self-aware creature, you can’t unring that bell. at the state that humanity is at as well, there’s nothing to do but make small incremental change. there’s too many people for anything to rash without causing some major pain. all we can do is plan and have that long view.

i heard a story on the radio about how penguins in antarctica have to travel farther out (40km!) to get the food they need to bring back to their families. and it’s causing them to not only to delay the delivery of food, they’re burning though more of it to deliver it. why is this news? because we have caused this through our selfish evil ways and global warming, and we feel a little responsible and thus broadcast out these ideas because it’s a point of interest. this leads down all sorts of roads for possible causes and solutions and debates and exchanges of ideas and all sorts of hoopla. all the penguins realize is that food is scarce for one reason or another, and they’re just gonna have to deal to get the food they need to survive. there are penguins that are gonna survive because they’re better equipped to go the extra distance required for them to get food, and some are going to die because they are unequipped. young that can survive longer without support from their parents are going to grow up to be better suited for their environment, which is (brace yourself) changing! ye gods! the thing i have trouble reconciling is all this change used to run off of everything being unaware of themselves. we just went and messed that whole thing up by taking that eventual evolutionary step, and we have thrived because of it. we can do some projection of change based on laws of nature, laws of physics, observable laws, and get a pretty good idea of what’s going on. i just can’t really see how we’re any different than those penguins.

everyone has this idea of earth. an idea that it is a living organism, a place we live, a congregation of souls, it’s whatever you want it to be as an idea. the thing is, the earth doesn’t get better or worse, it just is. whether we live in harmony, or chop down every last tree, it still exists. that balance of forces that allow life to begin are almost infinitesimally small and here we sit, basking in its glory. what difference does it make if we care for an environment that cares not for us? probably because we get a better quality of life if we take interest (spend time) on the things that allow us to survive comfortably. but how good can that life get? can you quantify it? and if you can, why? if it’s good, it’s good right? what other qualifiers are necessary? the sheer ability to thrive in the conditions i am in is a life of luxury, and yet i come here and hammer out existential crap that bubbles up through my brain from time to time when i catch a glimpse of me existing. a million evolutionary dead-ends and reprocessing of elements of the earth to create a society for me to partake in. i consider myself lucky in that regard. at this particular moment, time is linear for all intents and purposes. i could probably change that up if i wanted, since reality is what i make of it, but that penguin instinct in me would rather take the direct route, as it’s done for millions of years. if time wants to be reinvented, it will. if the earth wants to be reinvented, it will. it could be because of any one major force, leading to a million little ones, or a million little forces amassing in what looks like one huge force. really, is there a difference? time may be linear for now, but that can mean you either get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’ depending on how you want to look at it.

all i know as a self-aware creature is that if i had to swim an extra 40 km to get my food, i would be very grateful when i finally got it.

thanks for coming on down, there has to be something to talk about. time to fill, there’s gotta be something to fill it with.

look elsewhere.

am i really here, right now? doing the things that i do? must be, there doesn’t seem to be any other explanation for this behavior. not really any other excuse for it either. but what do i know.

i can start from the back of my brain and see outward. start from the very back recesses where my vision processing is started, then follow a few synapses and then come barrelling out of my eyes at tremendous speeds to gather light for further analysis. once brought back, it is spent, and it drifts back to wherever it came form, changed to a lower energy state. and even if it is only subconsciously, i thank it. at least a little gratitude is nice from time to time for those who so selflessly work for our greater good.

is there some sort of joy threshold? the difficulty of change stacked up against the laziness of the self. left to stagnate, wanting to stagnate, not really seeing any other option. it only sounds bleak. really, there’s no other way, so the bleakness is a straight opinion. make a decision and then follow through, and discover something about yourself, about your place in this life, about the dynamics of life itself, and hold it up to get a better look. expose it for a bit, so you can really see how it reacts, how it really responds to raw stimuli. once you have a pretty good idea of what it’s doing, it gets tucked away into someplace safe, before it is destroyed forever. at least destroyed in a perceptible fashion. because those waves keep lapping up to the shore, taking something with every swell to be redistributed to the mass, the whole. that idea of “everything” that is out there somewhere, waiting for us to realize where we fit, with our frame of scale limited to about 75 years.

that frame of time keeps things interesting though. feels like forever, gone in the blink of an eye. it’s pretty amazing when you think about it. our bodies have been designed to live to about 75 years in optimum conditions. why? maybe the aztecs all lived to be roughly 200 years old and we have no idea, hence the mysterious wiping out. anyone who has a frame of reference that long is just going to end up destroying themselves for want of something better to do.

it’s strange, i realize i haven’t had any nightmares in awhile. i haven’t had anything bug me enough to trouble my sleep. even when i do get into the dreams where i’m normally being chased and should be afraid, i’m just not now. i had a dream of getting caught in the gaza strip in a city battle between israel and hamas, and it didn’t phase me. i filled my satchel with food and water and wandered the battle zone until i found this bus that went to the airport, and then proceeded to wake up. i don’t know if this is a sign of being way too comfortable in my life, or that things are actually going well. it’s kinda funny that it could be either one.

ambiguity rules my day, and i’m wondering if that’s really a bad thing.

bloggiiiiiiiiiiiin’ in the new year.

welcome to 2009, ya’ll. good times have been had, more good times to come. i don’t see why not, as long as i’m breathin’.

more apostrophes to replace g’s please. posses it!

back again huh? something on your mind?

i guess that would be a reason to be here. i mean, for me anyways, as this is an oasis in the middle of my mental wasteland. at least this isn’t as malleable as my abused neurons. i’ve heard they can take my memory and bastardize it for its own survival purposes. yet another thing i have no control over.

but anyways, tonight’s diatribe stems from something i didn’t expect, not in the way i guess i would have. it comes from hip-hop. which would make sense in a way considering the amount i ingest. i’ve really been pounding the sound providers lately, and finally found someone who had a bunch of complete albums, so i finally came upon True Indeed, produced by the sound providers and featuring Surreal as an MC on every track. as a quick aside (totally off the main ponit) i have heard of this MC before through ohmega watts, and he does mesh very well with the sound provider’s very jazz influenced beats. surreal’s a bit cocky, but most MC’s are. his speed and timing reminds me of Aceylone or Phonte. good MC’s to be sure, but all so self-sure as to not really show any vulnerability. poets without the pain, i would throw out there. but what do i know.

which brings me to my real point (bury that lead!) which was the self-sureness. speak the truth and it will be heard right? so you speak some truth you have learned, and pass it on, in an attempt to get that truth out there. to expand its legacy through word of mouth, whatever that media will be. but the question is, then what?

you speak a truth, you accept a truth, and then what? change? hope? what is the expected outcome? what is the real chance for growth? so many truths, so little time. which ones to incorporate? which ones to question? which ones are important? i know this comes down to simple choice, but then it goes deeper. choice how? due to what factors? and so forth. i’m not really looking to delve into choice, radiolab did that so well without me.

i’m thinking more along the lines of truth, and it’s many interpretations. but the thing is, the beauty lies in all those interpretations. really, what difference does it make to you to accept a truth besides find something that fits in your life, helps give it structure? a scaffolding built around your true self to hold it up, keeping it from collapsing. but isn’t the scaffolding less self-imposed, and maybe more environmentally imposed? a self-containing structure to hold the real you in and yet project something out to everyone else, a truth of yourself, in some way.

a compromise between the person you really are and the person you want to project to the rest of your environment. a decision full of so many facets that there is no pure one or the other. so conjoined are these two that boundaries are worthless and classification is just a way to pass the time. you become the monster of your design, given the parameters.

and so what? really, what else are you supposed to do? strike a balance, and live your life. live in the extremes if you want, or try and hold yourself more towards the center, keeping your oscillations at a limited frequency, and roll on those waves for as long as you can.

is accepting a truth in your life some spackle you throw on the scaffolding? or some brick you add to your structure? i mean, i just pointed it out, it’s so conjoined right? some concrete you’ve been mixing to hold the bricks together is splashing all over the work you have already done, since life is such messy work.

it is so easy to speak truths. it’s a little harder to internalize them. and it’s damn near impossible to spread them. so what if you are not a born leader of men? someone who is a conduit of these greater people, someone who latches on to their ideas, someone who has enough going for them that they can afford to trust their hopes and dreams unto others. i mean, if i really wanted to make sure my ideals and beliefs live on, i’d spread the good word, do the good work. get people on my side through persuasion, or just speaking truths to someone ready to accept them, however you want to look at it. being a builder of dreams is tough work, and not made for everyone. especially since there is no dictated pace. only the threat of either getting it done now, or never getting it done.

so really, what is to be done with truth?

i internalize so much, and spend so little time communicating these kinds of thoughts, that i come here and hash them out. could i do this with others? could i get away from that poet without the pain mold i’ve fit for myself? but i can’t without fully surrendering to something i don’t understand, or don’t even really care if i do or not. my life goes along at this measured pace, with calculated strides, engrossed in the life i wish to emulate. with occasional gasps of air like this because i have to oscillate back and forth. if i live in one place too long in my mind it starts getting a little stir-crazy, and has to wander somewhere else, anywhere.

but i look at this pile of truths i have established for myself, and so many of them are completely arbitrary, save for the fact that a goodly amount of people have told me they agree with me (or at least inferred it). that powers in numbers stuff can really be assuring, it makes for at least some sort of solid measurement, not just another arbitrary stick measuring an arbitrary gap, looking to make it whole.

i straddle this life with a sort of ayn randian pragmatism towards life, and some set of moral codes that closely emulate humanism. these and everything in between (or perhaps beyond) dictate how i act in this life. supposedly separate ends of a spectrum, with the whole coalescing in the middle somehow, conjoined. and really, i can spend my life trying to pick the two apart and put them in neat little boxes, or i can just throw it all into the same box.

and then the paradox comes full-circle. since they’re conjoined, i’m going to do a little of both, and create fractals of such beauty that only i can comprehend their glory.