so here’s what we’ll do. i’m just going to leave this open, and come back to it from time to time. i mean, this laptop can sit anywhere it wants, so if i leave it in a highly visible spot, i’ll come to it from time to time, and i’ll add something to this dialogue. god, i’m so very clever.

i have to say, seattle has had quite a snowstorm in the past few days. it has taken everyone by pseudo-surprise, and most streets are just becoming passable after 5 days of continuous snow and temperatures in the mid 20’s. my truck is worthless in this kind of weather, where snow just gets packed into ice, and melt and freeze every rotation of the earth, with a bit more time to freeze at this time of year. speaking of less time spent in the sun, yesterday was the winter solstice, so days can only get longer from here!

boy this leaving thing open didn’t work out, i just ended up playing warfish for about an hour straight while playing Blue Dragon.

this is my life.

so how long has it been?

almost a month? crazy.

where does the time go? it goes everywhere and nowhere, and my existential self doesn’t know what to do because regardless of everything going on around, the real world ends up catching up with the existential self. it’s only a matter of time.

it finds ways to exist, finds ways to adapt, finds ways to rationalize.

i think that’s the most important step. being able to rationalize yourself to yourself is quite an irrational feat, so rationalizing it may seem a bit far-fetched. but go with it. why not?

semi-colon;

i am unworthy of all of this, doomed to hate myself for that which i did not have to earn. part of something i can conceptualize, but never quite be a part of. be myself, be something beyond inherent understanding and a part of something wholly and unavoidably conceptual.

something beyond fucking flowery dialogue and maybe, just maybe a part of something for once, and fucking enjoy it. because for all the ennui i can force myself through, it could really be a whole lot different. i could have no idea what ennui was in the first place.

and where would that leave me?

so here’s the scoop:

1. work is crazy busy.
2. Heather and I are moving to seattle, making us crazy busy.
3. there’s never enough time to do _______

and another thing i noticed:

the sacrifice of recall of a given moment in time in exchange for a heightened lucidity of said moment.

this is the purpose of any ingested substance, controlled or uncontrolled.

i didn’t have a chance to actually go to a polling place today, or party in the streets as it were, but just in listening to the radio coverage up to this point where Obama gave his acceptance speech, the feeling of electricity and excitement is palpable.

2 years of this, and now it’s decided, decisively, even in washington state elections.

here’s to change and hope!

change!

hope!

repeat.

so it has been awhile, indeed, as ben has pointed out. at least the parts that pertain to active thoughts and the of feeling being stuck as a quiet, mindless zombie. it’s a thought that really struck today though. this work schedule is owning me, hard. the workload along with the hours, are invariably wearing me out. but i can deal. this too shall pass.

i’m not sure exactly what i heard but something pointed me to the word obese. i was about to go on a run, and was stretching, and i just realized i hadn’t thought about being obese in a long time. of course my body feels great, well at least not anything different. a little tired all the time, but i’m still doing lots of active things.

and i realized it wasn’t so much my body that was exhausted, but my mind. it feels hazy and dense, and impossible to slog through at times. but i have to, so i pull on some boots and do it, i have to. it’s way too gunked up, and that was about the moment i realized i was mentally obese. the fact that i’m a bit frazzled from work lets me know just how out of shape my mind is. it needs this workout, but it this is such a focused exercise consisting only of work. i need other forms of training to round things out, but i got a little more time to burn.

i do realize my mind so tired due to a large amount of stress on my body, but it needs some needless pushing from time to time. there will be a reckoning, for sure, but that will come later.

on another note,

the best thing about this laptop since i got it is the ability to sit in extreme comfort, and shower the brain with mindless and soothing media of all types.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9C6XaYFOz4

*mental note* deep breaths and remember to crack a smile from time to time.

no pain no gain.

i have time and all that, but it’s the weekend and i don’t particularly feel like typing now, not in anyway that is meaningful, per se.

but i am here anyways, no? but for a reason, and that reason is trains. as my nephew has taught me, there is a zen like acceptance of fate in the daily beauty and activities of trains.

http://www.RailPictures.net

let me tell you…

working from 5 PM to 2 AM will kill your drive to write anything.

this is becuase nothing really happens since you sleep alot.

and your brain is in zombie, auto pilot mode.

boom!

some post-wedding thinking.

what craziness the past month has been, it’s wierd to think that it’s already over. spending 10 months planning, calling, and everything else that goes into a wedding, have it happen, and then have it all come together as well as it did is kind of staggering. i mean, how often do you plan a party for 10 months?

i can’t even believe how well it went. pictures went well, everyone’s outfits were great, the food was good, the beer went over well, and everyone thought heather looked beautiful, and that my gold converse were awesome. i was happy to see everyone else so happy, and to have received so much from so many people. it’s staggering to see the amount of thought and care that everyone put into this event, and i could never be thankful enough.

it really was awesome, and i know i have alot to be thankful for, but it really puts things in perspective.

i want to press the ‘go’ button for this wedding. things are coming together now, but there’s alot to put together as of yet. a little less than two weeks to go. it’s almost surreal. this is going to be an event of mammoth proportions, and it’s going to be a blast, but i wish everything was in place so i could just hit the go button and get the ball rolling.

it will be here before i know it though, and that’s exciting too. needless to say there isn’t much else on my mind besides settin’ off this party.

here i sit.

almost fully recovered, it has been a long week since last thursday. legendary to be sure, but i am getting to old for this kind of stuff. man it was fun though, and i did manage to survive.

down to a month here, one more month until the party of the century. i am really looking forward to it at this point, and the work to get it all together will get it done. but other than that, it’s autopilot for the rest of the summer. hell it’s been autopilot already, i think i’m just calling it out.

i feel like i’ve lost my ability to ramble here, for some reason or another. i like coming here. i like to write thoughts, feelings, etc. despite how mundane and inane they are. i can come here and just write, and if i never came here my writing would be even more dismal than it is already. not that i put much thought into it in the first place, but it’s a use it or lose it skill.

i need some more ideas to feed off of. correction. i think i need to scrape my brain out a little more, the ideas are there, they just don’t interconnect and come to the surface as easily anymore. probably because of the autopilot, but excuses like those are just that, excuses. i have no forums, i have no book groups, i only have this, my lonely little blog. my dialogue with myself, and lately it’s been a wasteland. my brain has been a wasteland, and that probably won’t change. i can at least put in a few paths and pick up some of the trash though, get some order going on. yeah, we’ll see if that happens.

because i am a lazy man, and desire outside influence for direction. well desire might not be the right word. it’s more along the lines that there needs to be some pressure, some force, some deadline, some outside influence for me to really get my butt in gear. because if there isn’t structure, it slips into laziness. school was tough and all that, but that was a good 4 years ago now.

vacation has gone on long enough, and it’s time to get the brain back into action, but then it takes a look around. it isn’t really necessary. i mean, besides reliving some anxiety, or a feeling of stagnation, there’s not much other reason. just doing it for it’s own sake isn’t good enough for me. it should be i guess, but it isn’t. i would much rather take a nap, and then i feel guilty about it for some reason. i’ve got to cut that shit out, for sure.

in a world where there is always something to be done, you’re always going to be behind. you’re always going to have something pressing, something that could be done at this moment, something that is necessary to do so you can feel OK about the way that events are passing in your life and that everything is hunky-dory. only so much can be accomplished on any given day, and the pressure to fit even more in seems to be the norm. and i don’t even have kids yet. part of my base personality knows this, embraces it, because it knows that there’s enough to be done without getting caught up in a multitude of details. then there’s that little part in the corner, shy as hell, feeling anxious that maybe enough isn’t getting done and how are other people going to judge you for that? i don’t like being judged bar-none. what can i say? i’m sure most people don’t appreciate it. but there’s this deep pit fear of rejection from a lifetime full of scheming and avoidance that leaves my soul in limbo. not knowing how to come to grips with itself.

i have so grown beyond this, this aching, narcissistic feeling that everyone needs to like me, and yet i haven’t. i’ve only told myself i have. but telling yourself can be a powerful thing. but the total acceptance has to come from something i am totally unaware of, something i don’t have enough information or wisdom to discern. and i keep telling myself that i need to wait, events unfold, time happens, and growth occurs. and maybe i do. maybe i don’t. really, either the active or passive is going to get me to the same destination, in a blend that is so subtle that i mostly do it without thinking. to what destination though? i like that it’s a mystery. you just grow up and reach a destination that billions of people before you have, and there is no name for it. death i suppose, but that’s far too dramatic and not really what i think i’m trying to encapsulate.

the destination is here, it is now. where else can you go? that destination is the ability now, to make a choice. to push off in whatever direction you feel like, and see where it takes you. to be true to yourself, or not. it matters only to you.

the chatter of this life can come crashing down, at anytime, for any reason, and problems can evolve so rapidly as to leave your head spinning. shit happens to people everywhere all the time, the law of averages isn’t a shield.

i write all this nonsense with a stunning sense of deja vu. maybe that’s a reason i have trouble discussing ideas here anymore, because i felt like i’ve probably already covered that base, i just have to go back and read it. and maybe i need to. but at the same time i am doomed to repeat myself forever, so why not just go with it. nuances will arise, maybe a little more wisdom will be applied than that bitter time i cranked something out in college, when i had all the time in the world to think.

thinking is a luxury, now that’s a good one to remember.