time to type some words!

words with meaning! words without! words, words, words!

all these words at my command and nothing to really say with them. it makes them unhappy, to be underutilized so. but what can be done about this? what indeed. i could try and do something with the words i have, try and sculpt a masterpiece. or make something so ugly and terrible, that it grates on your ear as you hear it. and either just kinda happens.

mediocre at best, that’s me!

word.

Burn some time by considering your existence in 6 easy steps!

1. Does what i am doing at this very instant, matter?

2. How much does it matter, on a scale of 1 to 10?

3. Is there something of more worth that i could be doing at this very moment?

4. What do i hope to gain by stringing all these instants together?

5. What will i do with these gains, once they are achieved?

6. Return to question 1.

Grab that insight by the short and curlies!

there must be change in the air. it has to be there, waiting to be grasped. when i read something happens. i choose these books, or others recommend them, and i read them, and then i get affected a little. just a little, i notice, and it’s just a small feeling, a trickle of something that i can’t really define, adds to me, makes me want to do something.

i have trouble recalling exactly what it is unless i am forced to do so, and the harder i try and hold on, the more foggy it gets. even clearly defining things, that moment where i think i have put something pretty eloquently into words, it feels hollow. it’s not what i mean. it’s not what i was trying to say. or maybe it was, and maybe i did a little jig with words that got the general gist of the point across. but the deep recesses of my mind can only feel what a book is trying to tell, a movie is trying to portray, a piece of music is hoping to explain.

i ingest it and process it, and i just come away with my brain saying good or bad, with all the multitudes that reside in those feelings, what i don’t want to explain. i don’t have to keep it all to myself, but the explanation doesn’t help with the theme, just the interpretation, and most of the time parsing things doesn’t help make it more clear.

i live in this world of change, and it accepts me. all i can do is try and write it out occasionally, try to write some mystifying thing that i can read later and get that feeling, what i tried to put into words. and when you try to define needs and wants when you don’t really have any, it becomes a calm sea like this, explaining and achieving nothing.

stretching out to infinity, residing with the whole, full of everything you brought, with a lingering feeling that somehow, this could all make sense.

surreal, that was the word i was looking for in trying to start up this blog. you know, that starting spark to get the ball rolling when you’re on a quest for writing.

kind of a mundane surreal though, nothing mind-altering. sometimes, my life just catches up with me, as a person and it stares me down, and says “what now, bitch?”. and all i can do is smile in its face. smile at all that is around me, smile at everything that is. because i could react in any of a million ways, but it feels pretty good when i smile, so i might as well go for that. an inward smile, a touch of irony, a touch of reality, mashed up into a facial gesture.

i could do just about anything until i’m blue in the face, and end up right where i started. nothing futile, nothing gained, just hangin’ around. pressure pushes from all sides to do certain things, and often i go with them, occasionally i resist. it mostly matters on how i’m feeling that day. and when i come to, i end up not to far from where i last started, the last reference point i left for myself. at least i think i left it for myself. i sometimes think i leave them for other people, but i realize that’s pretty silly. it’s tough enough to leave them for me. others go and do what they want, and i pretty much do the same.

i look down inside me, looking for something, but what? without knowing what i’m looking for, aren’t i just going to think up something to find and then find it? or if i do go looking for something specific, aren’t i going to just for the sheer fact that my filter is set for it? so let’s go with nothing, the filterless search. what i find is nothing, a void. not one of those lonely, all-encompassing voids, but just a void. some black area with nothing in it, that’s all. metaphysically speaking, what else would i be looking for? it just sits there, looking in every general direction, and i do what i want with it. which is mostly just look and think. i can take something, put it in that void, and turn it over for awhile, reshape it, then pull it out when i think i’ve done all i can for the moment with it, put it back on the shelf, and file it away, hope fully to be used again at some point. but mostly, the void is me, the source of everything.

i don’t know what to do with it, it mostly does everything on it’s own, and things just happen. and then it affects something. and then something happens. and then it repeats. until the void implodes and takes me with it.

i throw up some scaffolding around it, butress it here and there, just as reminders for myself. it just helps me out. it wants not for glory, it only wants to be. i don’t want glory. i want to be. everyone else can come along, it doesn’t really matter, as long as they want to be as well. i don’t want to achieve anything, i don’t want to leave a mark. i can’t. can’t, won’t, whatever, it’s not terribly consequential.

i want not for glory, i need to remember that. putting words to things you knew all along can have a profound effect.

meditation is weight lifting for your mind, i’m convinced of this now.

use it or lose it.

hey hey, what’s the dealio?

slow down.

breathe.

there, isn’t that better? in times where everything feels wrong, it’s time to step back, look at it and breathe. sure the next couple of months are going to be hectic. sure there’s too much to do, all the time. i’ve been on this fast track for so long now that even relaxing is adding to the stress.

exhale.

i get to work straight wishing i didn’t have to go, wishing i could be out as soon as i can so i can rush off to the next thing to do. a pile of wedding, a pile of training, a pile of day to day activities. i have been doing everything without thinking about it, just thinking of what needs to be done next. i get caught up in it, and no wonder i feel so exhausted on the time. a combo of allergies, time restraints and general feel of apathy towards it all.

breathe.

apathy why? i’m mostly doing what i want, when i want to, with a few exceptions, but nothing to get bent out of shape over. but then my brain does it for me with out of control dreams, constant, baseless anxiety, and hair-trigger irritability. creating problems for myself so i constantly have something to deal with. at least in my head, anyways.

exhale.

i know what needs to be done, more actively than passively, and it is time. i am who i am, and i know in the back of my mind that these times exist for a reason, to get me back to thinking actively. get back in touch with who i am. not any of that who i want to be bullshit, but who i am, now. revel in it. because the person i want to be and the person i am now, are indeed, separate. but when you focus on the person you are, you eventually end up being the person you want to be anyways. because if you’re not being that person you’ll either end up blaming everyone but yourself, or blaming only yourself.

breathe.

and eventually, your standards have to change.

exhale.

a study on nothing.

i soar on gilded wings through this world. i look down, and i see everything. it’s all there, every single last thing. and it is overwhelming, from one viewpoint.

the scope is too large, too confusing. but look closer and find a universe in there, waiting to be dissected and eventually understood. because as trivial as it is, being understood is vital.

the focus is hazy, the quagmire is thick. when it comes into focus, it does so of its own accord and leaves you holding the ball.

it wants to understand why it is even there in the first place, explaining itself to someone like you, who could care less unless there is a direct, tangible effect.

something that can be grasped and wrung until a few drops of understanding drip out, giving you the slightest taste of something you never knew before.

put it on the registry of all five senses, see how it jives. fast and loose initially, then however you want to handle it after that.

i grip the gilded wings tighter, in an attempt to regain some control. they are of my fashion, my design, and that’s all i have to go on.

staying airborne is important, and that’s about all i know. i can see everything and know nothing, and all is well. understanding is superfluous, and everything else fits into that category.

tangible, yes, but still made of substances that can be deemed important or inconsequential by anyone, at anytime, with no frame of reference.

my gilded wings carry me. they carry me to places i think i want to go to.

i’m not sure until i get there. but i end up there nonetheless.

the wings i have made cut through life, violently. i wish i could have made them better, but i did the best with what i had. they work, and that’s all that really matters, collateral damage is inevitable.

impossible to leave without a trace, and yet eventually forgotten.

cursed with an ability for everything, and happiness abound.

it all lies in wait for me, reward beyond measure.

i cannot hold it anymore though, i never could in the first place. the illusion is so strong though, overwhelming.

i can do whatever i want. i can do it all, and come full circle to where i began. it holds me in check, automatically.

motion is erratic, clumsy, unplanned. despite always preparing for the worst.

i want for nothing and it wants me.

i have recently been reading the wu-tang manual, done by the RZA, and it’s been a fun and informative book to read. anyone with that kind of vision is going to have a good story to tell, no doubt.

the book is full of little insights to hip-hop and life in general, but there was one line that resonated, even though i kinda took it out of context. i don’t have the exact quote on me but it went something like “the truth is a magnet, it draws things towards it”. in a way he is totally right, but what immediately struck me is that this is a perfect metaphor for the truth, but he only covered the attraction qualities.

some materials can be influenced by magnets, others will remain unaffected. that’s a pretty obvious metaphor. if it has the same polarity as the magnets, then it will even be repulsed, and that’s where i think it hits a little deeper. this kind of repulsion/attraction is what brings balance to the truth, keeps it in check. without something to diametrically oppose the truth, there is no frame of reference, no way to know besides a straight judgement call.

at the opposite ends of any given truth can be the two extremes, with the two inextricably stuck together as one whole, like a magnet with a N/S pole, leaving the center of these two ideas to be the convergence area of the magnetic field. so there’s a black end, a white end, and a grey middle. see where i’m going with this? i think it may even be too simplisitic, but i always find it strangely coincidental that there are so many aspects of consciousness that run parallel with the natural universe.

of course i could be drawing conclusions i find convenient, seeing what i want to see. which i don’t really see as a fault anymore. for all extensive purposes, it feels impossible to avoid. but the meshing of a positive and a negative is what makes that grey area, that center where the truth is in the jumble, but impossible to pinpoint. you just know it’s there deep in that place where you don’t question anything because you know there is nothing to question in the end, it just is. a combination of what you know with what you feel, jumbled together to create a balance that is struck of it’s own accord.

i need more than 10 minutes to hammer this out, but that’s all i get. at least for now. the magnets will still be here when i get back. might even help me win at some video games.

turn your head to the left and think, look up to the right, and think. this is the traditional pose for thinking of something to think of. an automatic ritual to try and think of something to do, something to write. body language gives away so much, but i am blind to it. i never think of it, but it’s still rather interesting i suppose. just a muse.

my brains still a little scattered from the previous night of going to see iron maiden. it was epic for sure. i love hip hop to death, but you don’t mosh at a hip hop show. get rowdy yes, but not the real deal moshin’ with manglers. with fire, and fireworks, and crazy costumes and multileveled stages. these kind of things can only come with that big production rock show. anyone who goes to the white river amphitheater should be warned though. don’t expect to get out of there anytime soon after the show. talk about a clusterfuck of traffic. an hour and a half to just get out of all the crazy traffic and get to I-5. so worth it though. i even managed to catch bruce dickinson’s (maiden’s lead singer) beanie hat, in the middle of the mosh pit.

which was awesome.

my brain is set to go, but a i have to wait.

hurry up.

wait.

hurry up.

wait.

rinse, repeat.

i wonder if i could get posted on poetry.com with that gem. probably, it did come from a raw, primal source within me, that is stuck in work mode, but wants to get out and do stuff this weekend. bike rides, brewing, climbing, hip hop. do it all! i can and will, indeed.

anyways, i got all this free time and not really anything to do with it. so i guess i should let my mind wander and see what comes out. ooh! i got it. i was listening to something about the hadron collider and how there was a infinitesimally small chance of the world being swallowed into a black hole. what caught me though was a physicist explaining the type of research they were going to be doing to try and get that data that is going to show once and for all that everything can be explained by a simple, elegant set of equations. i know i’ve heard this a million times, but it was the tone and the phrasing she used to declare that we are getting so close to total unification, and then we’ll be able to explain it all. that kind of certainty bugs me, especially since moments before she had been talking about using the collider to discover new types of energy previously unheard of. and then my biological training kicked in, and click.

i hear all the time about energy we know very little about or if it even exists. what if there are other types of energy that can’t be detected because they are in competition with our own type of energy? all sorts of different permutations of “energy” that are all competing for niche in life, the universe and everything. not that it’s deliberately looking to exist outside of our plain of existence, it’s energy is just based off of something totally outside our realm of observable phenomenon . it may be able to exist because it doesn’t interact with our type of energy, and when it does, it gets consumed by our particular form and has its form changed to match our own thus becoming a part of it with no residual effect. it could be happening the other way too.

with how many types of species are trying to exist on this planet, with millions of different ways of doing it, it would seem ridiculous that there would only be one type of energy that existed everywhere. all the eggs in one basket, as it were.

of course we could be limited to one type of energy in this universe, where our rules may have been dictated after the big bang, and everything enclosed in that universe has rules laid down at that point. but there could be lots of other big bangs, or a million other type of interactions that would create a universe with energy laws all it’s own. i don’t know quite how to explain it, but it’s kinda like darwinian evolution for energy. not even necessarily evolution, just different energy that creates different matter, which i guess would create different universes, and depending on the permutation of the base energy form, their ability to interact. which could be direct or indirect.

i’m starting to confuse myself now, but i was meaning to throw that out here. it needs to mature a little i think, but hey i bet if i went and googled it, i could get a better explanation from someone who’s more trained in these areas.

at least the free-association side of my brain works from time to time.