good lord i finally did it. back in march i took on the task of reading this mammoth post-modern book called Infinite Jest, and i finally finished it this morning. good god what a crazy book. but like most things post-modern, it was composed of a million little vignettes that showed an aspect of the human condition, with a “plot” to string them all together. it was good, but i more remember individual stories throughout the book than anything else. david foster wallace is a good writer to be sure, but i don’t want to attempt any book of that magnitude for awhile. on the plus side, i know that since i finished this book, i don’t think any book from now on will be a problem.

the sheer incoherence…i occasionally re-read older posts of mine, and i wonder what the hell i’ve been writing lately, because it all seems so bad. like i lost something from my writing voice, that spark of letting it come as i feel it, without the filter and without the bullshit.

i feel like the things i’ve been writing lately have been chock full of bullshit, i guess mostly because i’m still sorting ideas out. i have to have some sort of dialog, to pull things of value out. but it just feels worthless. i personally have been feeling better lately, with more of the relaxed indifference i’ve spent so much of my life practicing back to somewhat normal levels.

but i feel i need to write to do something subconscious. there’s something subconsciously bugging me, pulling that thread along upon which everything else hangs from. it’s glittering color refracted and absorbed by everything else tied onto it, with some illumination, but mostly just interference. i don’t even know what it is, nor could i hope to write it out in a few words and know with certainty that this is the thred, this is the problem. because it’s more tone related than anything. the tone of my life, the tone of my ideas, the tone of my attitude, the tone of whatever. it resides above everything else and yet is the sum of everything. what the hell can you do about that but just let it purge when it needs to?

i’m fed up. i don’t want to fix anything. i don’t want to find a better way. but i don’t want to surrender either, i know there is so much to live for, so much to experience, so much to learn. i’m at a point where information dictates my reason, and there is more information than i will ever be able to handle, and reason is left gasping for air because its atmosphere is so limited.

i just want my brain to tell my body that there is nothing to worry about, and it won’t do it. it is on high alert for no damn reason whatsoever. not whatsoever i guess, but there’s this positive feedback loop where something that may have bugged me gets amplified beyond reason and becomes all consuming because for some reason, my brain sees fit to keep pumping out chemicals it doesn’t need to compensate for some signal it keeps receiving. is it my fault? some bad wiring? how can i tell, or keep things from taking off exponentially? am i just blaming my brain so it can be outside of my control? or do i subconsciously sabotage myself? consciously? how can i tell? how can i tell?

in the perpetual state of war between body and mind, i am the first casualty.

i’m still struggling about political ideology lately (because for some reason, it really bugs me) and i just had this simple thought while i was walking around today.

life isn’t fair.

and so it goes. there are lots of people who say life isn’t fair. but then there are other people who say it should be fair. and people who do think it’s fair. the meaning changes depending on how you define “fair”, but that could take hours to parse through, and it’s not really the point.

the point is that life could be fair. but how to get there? it seems impossible without some people getting the shaft, but that is part in striking that balance. and it would take so much work to achieve that fairness, but maybe it would reach a point of homeostasis and all would be well. or not. maybe too much homogeneity is bad thing.

but this is just idea talk. i think what frightens me about all this accepting of politcal ideology is the surrender of ideals. i tend to be pretty idealistic, and think that balances are struck throughout life, no matter what happens, and it ends up for the better one way or the other. there’s a lot of plasticity in thinking like this. with an ideology, i can just surrender to talking points that have been established over hundreds of years, argued out by people much smarter than i and accept these ideas because they strike me as most correct. there is some room to bend, but that plasticity i had before is severely limited. it doesn’t limit my ability to accept new ideas, or appreciate them, but now there’s a new filter of an ideology, which changes the way that information is processed.

really, it’s the way i do things now anyways, but i don’t have a set of rules like an ideology does. right now, i pretty much just start from the golden rule and go from there however i want. so accepting something like this is huge, in terms of who i want to be as a person. what side of my personality is the dominant one? which one do i want to give the reins to? sure, it rotates anyways, but making decisions like this entail sacrifice, because apparently, you can’t have it all.

i never was good at making decisions because i empathize with both sides of almost any argument. but what i don’t know is if my desire to empathize with everything is holding me back, or if it is my biggest asset.

i guess i can’t be sure until it’s gone, but by then, it might be too late.

go, go go! finish up the summer!

i had a great week of hanging out with my brother’s family, and living the life with friends as well. busy, busy, busy, and i am exhausted, especially after the hike i went on sunday. 3800 ft. of elevation gain in 4 miles is not a good idea for a first hike in a long time. it was spectacular and beautiful though, nothing like mountain air and a spectacular view to offset zombie-like tiredness. also saw some good (not great, except for ohmegga watts) acts at a more relaxed bumbershoot. i felt old to not be up front, but i just don’t want to deal with that shit anymore. plus, i am old, everyone in the crowd looks 16 or so.

i think i’ll be able to squeeze in a nap sometime next week after the wedding weekend. i really want it though, that nap. must be getting old.

the post i have been avoiding, so get this catharsis started.

there was a discussion i had the other night about libertarianisim, and it has covered my brain in blackness. not the ideas of libertarianism itself, but all of the ideas implied behind such an idea. not that the idea is bad, it is just all the thinking that stems from an idea of how people should live as a society. i haven’t felt this kind of hopelessness/blackness in awhile, and it was driving me crazy for a couple of days. the fact that i am here now lets me know that it has passed somewhat, at least to the point i can try and sort it out in this medium that i always come to. i guess i came to the point where i didn’t want to keep hiding from my feelings/brain, but i’m not even sure of that.

i thought about the simple idea of libertarianism and it seems like a good idea. if you place the responsibility on yourself, then you only have yourself to blame. and i think in the realm of pure ideas, i agree with that. our democracy could use some simplification, and getting a president that actually gets the most votes certainly would have made the last decade a lot different.

but i look back at the discussion, and i realize i was trying to discuss things from a moral standpoint, while the other side was discussing things from the logical side. it’s not like there can be no reconciliation between the two, but morals don’t integrate with a pure idea because for that idea to be pure, it has to assume an unyielding moral standpoint that is inflexible, and assume that people will do the right thing.

and i guess that’s where my qualms are with any of these ideas on how to run a society. communism, democracy, despotism, can all work very harmoniously if people do the right thing. but the “if” in that statement is what brings it all crashing down.

what i can see happening with libertarianism is an explosion of granfalloons, where people band together because of their skin color, or they have beards, or they’re in a wheelchair or something because the only way to get things done is power in numbers. this just leads to factioning, and with a limited supply of resources, it ends up pretty much the same as it is today, but there’s no one to blame because you are responsible for your own happiness. there is still class division, there is still poverty, there is still inequality, and still a who-you-know type society. but now it’s the fault of the individual for not trying hard enough. which i think is a viewpoint for people who have never been a minority, or can at least have some empathy. not that being fat is a huge minority (especially in these times) but it still comes with prejudice.

this isn’t just to bash libertarianism, i know i could probably break down any form of government like this, and it would still end up with have and have-nots. there is still going to be jealousy, still going to be preferential treatment and corruption. which leads me to the thoughts underlying these modes of society, and i don’t know if it’s cynicism or what, but i don’t see us much better off than we are now. people are people and will do as conscious people do. which means what they think they can get away with. this is just a natural consequence of letting people think how they want to.

and that’s what i think is at the root of this blackness for me. because people will do what they want, even if there are consequences. we are all bestowed with consciousness to that end. and that brings me spiraling down to consciousness itself and wondering what kind of end consciousness is supposed to bring. it is neither good nor bad, it’s just what we make of it. even if it doesn’t bring itself to an end, where the hell does it matter where it goes? all it can do is strike some sort of balance with itself and just hope that a majority are within one standard deviation of the bell-curve.

i know that this is just sheer speculation but i can’t help but fear there is some large truth to all of this, and the only damn frame of reference i have is my feelings. feeling too much has always been a character trait i’ve had though, so that leaves me even worse off. i can accept this and let go, or cling to it like a life preserver.

truth is, it’s a fucking yo-yo.

to read or to write? i could go peruse news right now and carry buckets up the ladder to the top of my head and dump more things on the pile in there, or i could just kick it from behind and spill everything out in a haphazard way. already, since i am here using a very tilted metaphore, the decision has been made.

it’s funny to think that blogger is only 8 years old (so says Blogger Buzz) and that this page is almost the same. my computer companion through life, here to record things so i don’t forget and always know where to find them. as i sit here, i realize how ridiculous this is, to think that i have been writing stuff down for damn near a quarter of my life. nothing important mind you, just stuff. mostly harmless. the times they are a changin’.

i’m pretty sure i saw something the other day. it reminded me of something, and i reflected. and then nothing happened. i just kept right on thinking about the next best thing to keep my mind occupied.

i read somewhere that unhappiness stems from the fact that your brain can project the future. if i do this, then these will be the ramifications. if you could live from one second to the next, then this wouldn’t be a problem. which sounds fine, in theory, but is just silly. it would render you without longterm memory, in a sense. so you wouldn’t be able to forecast likely things to happen in the future, but it would leave you without a frame of reference either. living from second to second on your whims, on whatever you are a person, without all the growth, mistakes, lessons learned. i guess you wouldn’t know any better if it did happen, but making the willful choice to live this way would take some serious deluding.

i have a dog now, and it’s the dog i never pictured myself getting. a little chihuahua/pomeranian that couldn’t keep up with me running if i was going backwards. no fetch, no wrestling, none of the stuff i have come to enjoy with owning dogs. and yet this dog is still awesome, full of attitude, not too whiny, and always down for a nap. i can say bialy’s had a very positive effect on our house. she fits right in, and i can’t help but get attached.

everyone keeps telling me that there is so much meaning in everything around me. i can see it, i suppose, but to what end? even if i write it down somewhere, it doesn’t really accomplish much, but when did i start measuring things via accomplishment? look out world, here i come.

clues. they’re all around, trying to get me to go in the right direction. which can be a circle if i interpret these clues in one way. it can lead to a bigger circle if done another. go for the big or small circle? is bigger necessarily better? natch. if i had to walk them i would choose the small one. it would take less time, and leave me with more of it. for there are a certain number of times this heart is going to beat. i wish i could count them all up and put them in a study where millions of other people did the same thing, and then it would be charted out on a magnificent bell curve, showing how many beats per life people had. i would be somewhere on that shining model of statistics, and i could know exactly where i fit, and that would be that. now i have to speculate and wonder if i’m above or below average. because it matters, duh.

having so much information in my life makes me dumb.

there was this radio show i was listening to that featured all these economists. they were talking about cause and effect over years of market fluctuations, where we’re heading where we’ve been. and it struck me that these people view this as a way of life (whether they know it or not), that their training into the field of economics gives them insight into their lives and how it works. it struck me because i mostly think about things chemically or biologically, it’s the system i took time to study, and thus provides my framework.

it doesn’t change who i am, it just gives me a basis to judge things. most people choose to study something pertinent to being a productive member of society, but this estranges you from the whole because you now command a very specific lexicon of something not everyone knows. since alot of time is spent each day using this lexicon, it seems only natural to extend it to everything around you. it’s what you know, right?

but when i think about any profession, there are different tasks, different things to work with, different jargon, but the themes underneath are the same. everyone’s trying to succeed, or at least avoid failure. people have to work together, and have some specific knowledge and communicate successfully to achieve a goal. it sounds so broad, but it is in the application that patterns start emerging. scientists, artists, laborers, it doesn’t matter. with the way things are set up now, there are hoops to jump through to prove yourself. nothing personal, it’s just the way things have always been done.

but i’m confusing myself on that matter. while there is some underpinnings of how society works through various professions interacting, i meant to spend more time on the reflection of self that is dictated by your choice of profession. it is superficial, to be sure, but you work with what your given, right? i know i made the choice to work in biological sciences because out of everything else, they made sense to me, and brought me some amount of joy. i wonder how many other people decided to do what they did because of the same reasoning? people becoming the profession they choose doesn’t look to be that uncommon. i mean, when you spend a majority of your week at work or in bed, how much information can be gathered outside of that?

i think i simplify too much though, because the more i think, the more complex it gets, because trying to break things down into black and white is tough, especially when it comes to breaking down the world around you. maybe the world inside you. i think i’m trying to mesh the two very unsuccessfully right now. if i could do it right now though, i’d pretty much have it figured out, huh? on the other hand though, would i?

in the meantime, i’ll just keep clip-clopping around.

if you look close enough, there is a blog here. it took me a moment to find it, but i started staring at the pixels with such intensity, that i could see the spaces between them, and see this mosaic for what it is.

if i push slowly enough the electrical forces can be maneuvered around and bypassed, but this is the part that takes the most concentration. once there though, you can pretty much do what you want. there was this rod and cone sitting next to each other having a delightful conversation about their shapes, and maybe shapes they would want to be some day, and what they could do with that shape once they obtained it. i can’t remember their exact words, but i can remember the rod wanting to be used for fishing, and the cone wanting to be a funnel. i thought they probably had their sights set too high, but i wasn’t going to be their captain bring-down.

i encountered a stream, a stream of information. it isn’t what you would expect, kinda like a flowing blizzard screen from your TV back before cable brought in that entertainment piping hot without having to worry about such physical interferences like trees or mountains. i think this was a runoff from somewhere though, as it wasn’t very substantial, and just electrocuted me when i went in for a drink.

really though, it’s pretty empty, just lots of 1’s and 0’s trying to imitate the complexity of a biological system that already figured it out millions of years ago. too bad the biological system totally misplaced the owner’s manual a few millenia ago. really, if that thing was around, i’m sure things would be better. or make more sense, maybe. i hear there’s a bunch of people trying to reconstruct it as we speak, some people called scientists or something. what a wacky bunch they are.

so i came back, and things seemed a little more concrete, but not by much. i wish there was a serious thought inside my heads sometimes, but that is overcome pretty quickly by something narcissistic or nihilistic. i have nothing to say but gibberish anyways. hence the title.

check it, yo.

i would much rather be rocking right now. i’m getting better at the crazy fretwork that is included in guitar hero songs, i can’t wait for 3 to come out, then i’ll be able to hone my skills online. it’s funny to think of the manglers i’ll meet up with in the online world. who knows, maybe i’ll join a forum!

for i will indeed, keep on rockin’ in the free world.

something, something, something.

something was on my mind and i wanted to write it down. now, giventhe oppertunity to do so, i realize that i’m going to have to try and coax it out. i guess i should start at what i precieve as the beginning.

this summer has seemed like non-time. despite the fact that i have just about as many restrictions on my time as i have ever had, it feels like it is slipping through my fingers. i feel frustrated that i couldn’t just up and go on a camping trip over the weekend, without planning it 4 weekends in advance, minimum. even then it might not work because something more important could pop up between now and then. i suppose that has been frustrating me somewhat, but it’s such a silly problem. super silly, even.

it feels like my body is trapped in some sort of stasis, where i’m more tired despite doing less, my brain feels dull, and hours fly by while barely registering what went on during them. i can feel myself clawing my way out of this though, as i probably wouldn’t be writing this down if i felt like i did the previous months. something must be happening to pull my brain out of it’s torpor, but i can’t really tell. it mostly just happens, and then there i am. wherever you go, there you are i suppose.

maybe i see the formula, but that would be pretty callous to declare. like i have it all figured out. but i feel it’s not the permutations that come from the formula, but the formula itself. there’s constants and variables, but the variables don’t affect the outcome in huge ways. i guess because one of the major constants is who i am, and unless that changes drastically in some way i cannot possibly forsee, the formula will not change. but i don’t want to change, i am very happy and content with who i am.

so that’s the cycle. be who i am and deal with my surroundings. it feels pretty bleak, so something must be missing. or is that something i just tell myself? maybe it’s already there. but then it would still be missing because i hadn’t given it a name, hadn’t identified it, so it might as well be good as missing. but maybe it’s missing because i tossed it out, and didn’t even realize i would need it, and now i have to go on a wild goose chase to find something i didn’t even know i tossed out or needed, or even what it is. i talk myself in these ridiculous circles all the time, and i know i don’t feel i get anywhere by thinking about them, because it can’t be made readily apparent.

it’s like now that i know that ideas will become apparent as i need them or are prepared for them, that i can work within my comfort zone, and things will just happen. it’d be silly to think i’ll never have to step out of that zone, but just like the ideas that appear as i need them, so does an ability to step out of the zone. it happens when i need it, and can’t be forced, at least not too hard.

i just can’t sense any difference between swimming and drifting, i just know that both need to be done from time to time, when i feel like it.

i think i know what the missing piece is, but it’s tough to do, considering the environment i’ve been brought up in. i think instead of focusing on what i need to do to get places, i need to just focus on what’s around me. easier said than done of course, but i think i can handle it now, because i know if anything needs to be worked on for me, it’s my focus.

it all sounds so trite here (because it is).

and hollow (because it is).

and yet, something different (because it is.)

wherever you go, there you are.