words have this slippery feel to them, with little to no meaning. they come from here, but they also don’t. they fly in through means unknown, means that might be able to be understood, but wouldn’t give them any more meaning. that is left to be inferred, and i have no control over it. if i did, i would stick velcro to the outside of these words and throw them at a large bulls eye on the wall and their accuracy in hitting the bulls-eye would in turn define what was meant. extra points for getting it to walk down the intended target.

my words want to fly in this poetic sense, poetry without form, the inknown, but i tie it down, i ground it for my own safety. my life makes little sense, but it is there. how to read, where to put inflection, place the meaning. it can be done at will. the link becomes uncoupled and gets left behind, abandoned.

not on purpose, but still abandoned

haha, i must thank ben for his gracious offer to carry around a tv for me. i can see that there might be a need to take guitar hero to the streets someday. i bet it could bring about a huge amount of social change. pandora for president!

i have been feeling this incessant need to be productive the past couple of days, as i guess i feel i have been slipping into a lazy funk lately. it’s most of the reason why i am here right now, so i feel like i’m doing something productive, because when i have an opportunity to write, i should do so.

but beyond feeling like i need to be productive, i just feel happy and content today, hence there isn’t much to write about, or at least not much of a drive to do so, which is they key. so i think i might go and clean my bike instead.

gotta stay productive!

i would like to take this oppertunity to declare that i did it. yes, i spent enough time to beat all of guitar hero 2 on expert. i am that cool, feel it. free bird took a couple of days, but i star powered my way through it. ladies, please create a single file line.

i still want to play more though, this game ranks right up there with katamari as one of the coolest games made, becaues you can always pick it up and try and play better. burn some time, turn off your brain, and focus on something that is really pretty worthless yet highly enjoyable.

not much else really to say. i was thinking about how time travel must still not exist yet because i haven’t seen any time cops running around with futuristic weapons, chasing time fugitives. i think that just what i expect though, i would imagine if people had time travel they could also exist between dimensions, so we wouldn’t really be able to see or directly interact with them anyways.

they’re there though, sitting between their dimensions, looking out onto our dimension the way people view a train wreck. unable to watch, unable to turn away as they watch us make our own mistakes. i wonder if i’m the star of one particular internet forum type group that has an irrational love for me and my antics. they all get together and watch my highlights for a particular day then discuss them while drinking the elixir and ambrosia that they enjoy, chatting up about all those people who watch the celebrities all the time are really missing out.

if only i could see it, be able to tear through that fabric. tear a nice sized hole that i could wedge open with a toilet paper tube and peer through to see how things are in between dimensions. although, when i think about it, it’d probably be fairly boring. but at least it would be a change of scenery.

man these weeks go by so fast. time is moving that fast, and i’m barely noticing. my memory is so short sometimes, and yet so long at others. it’s something i have no control over. why should some memories be more vivid than others? why should some of my memories be pushed way back to the archives where i never see them again unless someone mentions something that that puts me on a mental track to find it?

i find it odd that this person i am, this person i have become can’t remember what happened last month. if i get put on the spot and asked what happened at some juncture in time, i will draw a blank. if someone asks me why i said what i did, i draw a blank. i go through so much assuming that others will understand, or at least let it slide.

and yet here i am, a consortium of feelings and impulses supposedly learning from past mistakes but with a short memory for a supplement. how the hell does this work? i heard in biology at some point that it’s a sort of defense mechanism, which makes some sense, because if i had perfect recall, i’d probably be hating life as well. imagine being able to relive it all with a simple thought. every agony, every euphoria, everything. right now, bad memories stick out more than good ones, i can only imagine what that would be like with perfect recall.

when i think about it more, i like being scatterbrained. most tasks would be a lot easier if i remembered everything. but making mistakes is what keeps things interesting. there’s so many social boundaries to push that i am for some reason, unwilling to do. but my short memory aids me in that as well. i realized a couple of nights ago while running that letting my mind wander is like letting it go jogging, as i don’t really remember it distinctly, but there must have been some benefits.

i feel like my mind is humoring me most of the time. he has this voice deep inside that chastizes, praises, and pokes fun at the external me. i can be whoever i want on the outside, but my brain knows better. it humors me and allows me to live my ridiculous life, but i always answer to him in the end. i guess i humor him and allow him to express himself from time to time as well. we both do what we want, or don’t. i know the moments of genius come when we work together and don’t even realize it. needless to say, that only happens sporadically.

i think my life only happens sporadically.

i gotta write now, lots of work to do, buti have to get this down now. this will start like this:

I was a young grower, and very successful. i lived somewhere in the carribean and lived in a village that didn’t really approve of my crops because it made me rich while making all the other men lazy. One day, we were raided by pirates who did their pirate things and looted, pillaged, and raped my village. i was spared when i offered the captain a peace pipe, and all the pirates who wanted came with the captain into one of the huts not yet on fire and we sat around a dead fire pit and passed the peace pipe around until we could barley see each other. i can’t really remember the topics of discussion, since i couldn’t understand their language, but there was lots of raucous laughter. i distinctly remember the captain coming up to me and saying

“Arrgh, you be all right thar, matey.”

i remember that because i could understand it for some reason, and before i knew it i was joining their crew, and they were building a structure to allow me to grow my crops on the deck of their ship. And so i journeyed the high seas with a crew that loved me and i found my new home, going from distant land to distant land, living a pirates life. then i woke up.

i really couldn’t do that dream justice. i don’t know where it came from, but it was vivid. i was a goddamn pirate, and it was awesome. last week i had a lucid dream where i was flying around what looked like the cascades. i think my brain is so elated to be done with the end of last year that now that my physical body is done doing all this celebrating, my mental side gets to have some fun.

happy new year, indeed. i feel so much better after getting in some exercise and eating less regularly again. i think my mind is thanking me for not making it work in overtime, and can get back to a schedule. which includes working, and i must get back to it.

i think things are starting to get back to normal. i at least feel much better after a few days of routine again. i just hope this year was a fluke and that things won’t be that stressful again, but i am known to have a short memory.

i seem to constantly forget how trivial my problems are from day to day. it feels like i can’t help it, mostly because i bring it upon myself. i have to assign some importance to the things i do, and i think my brain takes things seriously automatically. i have to work to alter my viewpoint.

it’s strange. there’s alot on my mind but i don’t think any of it is worth putting down here. i think it’s because i’m in recovery mode. i’m so going running tonight. i think a lack of proper water intake, stretching, and exercise has disrupted my physical balance. this leaves my mind reeling as the tools normally used to get things done are busy trying to sock away the excessive caloric intake i’ve had for the past two weeks, with really no where to put them. my mom would tell me i need to purge some toxins.

this time, i whole-heartedly agree.

i am so drained. short short short post here i suppose. i’ve been seeing my dad everyday, and he finally got home today, but is having surgery next week sometime. i have driven out to redmond almost every morning this week to do various things for my grandparents since my dad cannot, all along with getting ready for christmas.

work has been stressful, and everything seems to be stuck in go go go. if i could rub my brain right now, it would definitely have a fuzzy texture, with a few holes in it for good measure.

it’s bad enough that i have been abusing coffee to get me through my days. i am just so frazzled. i can’t focus on anything.

4 more days, then i think i can sleep.

so my dad is good for now, which is a huge relief. i know how deadly these clots can be, and they managed to get some clot-buster covered piece of metal up into my dad’s upper arm, so they will see how that goes in the morning, and see if they need to operate from there. his hand is looking alot less corpse like though, so i think he was feeling much better about that.

some high points of the night (i can always find those silver linings):

*there was about a half hour in the waiting room talking to my mom about politics. if anyone can even make a mental picture of my mom, then you are head and shoulders above most people. i never have any serious conversations with my mom, partly because she’s so elusive. talking to her about politics was fun, even if i had to play along at times. i mean really, what are you supposed to say when your mom thinks that billy graham would be a good president?

*talking to my dad again. he seems so much more back to his usual self after a rough year. and talking to him now, i really feel like i am just looking in a mirror more and more. heather points it out to me all the time, i’m so like my dad. I am. I can see myself in that hospital bed, with a million things wrong with me, and still cracking jokes. At some points in my college career, when he was pissed with what i may have been pulling, he told me:

“I would get pissed at you for something you were doing up there, and i would think ‘that’s probably what i would do’, so i couldn’t be mad.”

and then he told me he would smoke to supplement a heart medication he thought he would need again, because the heart medication depresses him. maybe someday.

i am so my father’s child.

*driving from seattle to the eastside tonight. due to the huge storm, there is pretty much no power on the east side of lake washinigton. where i live at canyon park (between bothell and mill creek), there is an oasis of power. people have heat, tv, and charging areas for cell phones. and friends are taking advantage. i managed to find one open parking space tonight around my building after roaming for 5 minutes. i did take a break to buy Snow Plow beer though, which i highly recommend. but otherwise, around here, there is no light at all, except for cars. it’s eerie and strangely fascinating. wind owned this area.

and now i am rocking on guitar hero 2. everything is going to be alright, and i can relax for a bit. everything is alright.

it would kinda make sense that my 400th post would be a bit of a downer. i had all these thoughts for how i could make an awesome 400th post, with bells and whistles, and have it be about something stupid. maybe i can save that for my 500th post.

twice this week already my grandma has been to the hospital because of her blood pressure issues, but she seems to be good now. i spent most of yesterday trying to figure out how to get both my grandparents back from the hospital where she had been discharged, since taxi service was non-existent due to the huge storm last night. they finally got a ride home from one of the doctors in the hospital though, which was really lucky. i probably wouldn’t have been able to have picked them up until much later that night. at least she’s OK though.

my dad on the other hand probably almost threw another clot in his arm yesterday, so he went to the UW medical center a couple weeks early because it was getting too serious to wait until his appointment. he’s had a few scans now, still needs to talk to his surgeon about whether to operate or not, and is going to have more tests done tonight.

i hate to think that he’s on the precipice these days, but it’s slowly revealing itself to me. these damn blood clots. all it takes is one to break free and it’s all over. hell, the same could happen to me, but i know it’s more precarious for my dad. i don’t want to get into too many scary details though, i’m mostly just scared for him.

i know the rock of my youth isn’t invincible, but i can hope.

and….start.

get this going, in one direction or another. i got some time to kill here, and even though i came in early, it looks like i will be leaving late. no big deal though. the extent of my night is to set up my 401k, to plan for my future so that i can be one of the people that planned, the ant instead of the grasshopper. so i got a busy night ahead of me.

but for now, i sit here. with lots on my mind but seemingly no way to express it. there are no solid ideas, nothing to grasp, to put into words. just feelings seemingly coming from nowhere with no way to express them, because it’s mostly just general anxiety. christmas anxiety, i would mostly think. i love giving and receiving gifts, but it’s alot of work. someday, i can be that crazy uncle that shows up at christmas half-drunk, pulls out a money roll and hands out twenty bucks to everyone as a christmas gift. it’s funny to think about, but i don’t think i could ever pull that off. unless i something-something. go crazy? don’t mind if i do!

but i love this time of year, and i think becoming less involved with it would ultimately detract from all this hullabaloo. i just have the natural reaction of wanting to hide until it all blows over. which i know isn’t the best solution, but sure looks to be the easiest. i just want to go home and rock out to guitar hero. or read. or go for a walk. anything but be here, where there’s nothing to do until about 4 pm, when i get everything i need to get rolling. sometimes i enjoy the lack of busy, but at times like these, i desperately want to be. i just don’t want to resign myself to surfing, but it’s probably what’s going to happen.

so i resign.