pandemonium!

i don’t think there’s really craziness afoot, the word just popped into my head as i came to this medium. it struck me as a funny word and my brain rolls it over and over finding different stress points and inflection points to make it sound even crazier than it already may be.

my whole body just feels used and abused. i took my dog out for a run yesterday and inadvertently managed to roll my ankle. there’s another two weeks of running put on the back burner. maybe a week without climbing, but it’s been wet in that department. about 2 weeks of painful bike riding as well. i always forget how much these stupid injuries impact my active life, but at the same time, injury walks next to me as i do all these things, waiting in the fold to grab me at the most unsuspected times to sideline me. put me in coach, dammit.

over the past week i’ve been listening to NPR, and have heard 3 people say the word “dis”. as in the shorthand form of “disrespect”. it just sounds funny to hear about the iraq study group dissing GW with it’s conclusions. i don’t know if i’m ready to start hearing that word in my “adult” activities. slang is so cool though, finding stupid ass word and assigning meaning. i don’t know how, but i heard some MC hammer a couple of days ago, and i heard him use the word “proper”. i have subsequently parlayed that word for my own devices.

i think i complain about the inaccuracies that are almost impossible to avoid with spoken language, but i realize now how much i love it. the ambiguity becomes part of the language itself, to where ambiguous meanings are intentionally used, because that is what you want to express.

fractions are just as much fun as all those crazy 1’s and 0’s. my head keeps hurting lately. i wonder if it’s pushing my recent thought processes.

proper.

it’s been official since monday, but i haven’t had a chance to write it down here, that i am now an uncle. my bro had his child (cooper) on monday morning, and everything is going well. my parents just flew out tonight to go see him over in austin. i hope to be able to do the same in the next few months, at least for a three day weekend or something. those babies grow up fast.

it’s all so strange and exciting though. there’s this little kid over in austin that my brother had a hand in making, and they’re over there now, working to take care of him. i know he’s in good hands though, and he’s got a good support system with liz’s family over there to help.

and time marches on.

i had a strange experience this morning. i have been trying to meditate lately, and i’ve been getting a little better, but i took it in a completely different direction today. i was listening to charizma and peanut butter wolf while i was doing yoga, and usually i can’t even do that to hip hop, because i get distracted by the lyrics, and it distracts from my focus. but i made the lyrics my focus while i was stretching and i transported myself to a hip hop wonderland, where i spent half the time popping and locking, and another half rocking the crowd. it was a truly different experience.

but i’ve felt it this week. my brain has been going off on tangents, and instead of just naturally coming to a dead end like they normally do, they’ve kept on rolling. but it feels like there’s an element of control to it, so it’s different than i’ve ever really dealt with my subconscious. like my brain realized that both halves are too similar to let different modes of function interfere with their interaction. i think being happy is the lubricant that keeps the two from grinding on each other. but i bet i could do this now under any emotion, it’s just more pleasant when i’m fulfilled.

i feel like my brain is capable of anything these days, and the me inside of me and outside of me are at terms with each other, creating this me that is different, yet the same. in coming to terms with “accepting my fate” i in turn, came to accept myself that much more. because that fate is based off of me, and the environment i am in.

i remember writing at some point that people are different from other species due to their ability to alter their environment. also how that the environment of the mind was a different entity, something that people have to deal with. i know it sounds so “duh”, but i can look and see now that my mental environment overlays this other environment, and my mind interacts with that around me, like two halves of my brain interact with each other. an environment can go from an ecosystem to a mitochondria, from the complexities of the mind to a workplace. it’s the interaction that’s important, because that burden of choice is, i feel, in my control.

it’s weird, i re-read this and realize how pretentious this can sound. how can i help that? i keep coming up on seemingly simple explanations to my trivial thoughts, and i type them out to sort them.

depending on the environment, this could be read a million ways.

i totally survived ice day 2006. it was truly amazing to be sitting in hordes of traffic, sometimes not moving for a half hour. i was glad i had my book, i got some serious reading done in the 5 hours it took me to get back form the seahawk game. but i fared better than most. i know mike didn’t get back from the game until almost six in the morning, which is just ridiculous. i really wish i had had some sandbags for the back of my truck though, that was like steering a runner sled.

but that’s how we roll up here in northwest. oh sure, we start off mellow, but when things start to deviate from the norm, then waves of panic set in and we act like the stupid mass we are. panic panic panic. i can only imagine the people driving on the shoulders or in opposing lanes of traffic going “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!” and bolting for somewhere to go like a horse back into a burning barn.

i’m just glad i can walk to work from here, it’s nice to walk all bundled up for a little over a mile with hot tea to keep you warm. you have to be careful of ice of course, but there’s so much beautiful white around to look at. and watching ducks crammed to the only corner of the pond that isn’t frozen is something i find amusing. i’m definitely braving the elements here. i just need someone to pull my sled, and i’d be set.

should have brought some warmin’ whiskey for the walk home. that would have been nice, but more tea will be nice as well.

i really wish i could drink some tea right now. tea is marvelous to have while composing thoughts, but unfortunately, the lab isn’t really a safe place to be consuming beverages. cest’ la vie. soon enough i will have time to drink tea and maybe set up the hoop for some b-ball. soon i will be the only person here.

and suddenly i am. i was maybe going to write something, but that would be boring, since it would be mundane daily stuff, maybe leading into a life lesson. i’ll shorten it up for you people looking for a long diatribe.

use your body while you can. i’m going to use mine to buy fruit snacks out of the vending machine, cart the basketball hoop out into the loading dock, and scurry around in an attempt to get an orange ball through a hoop of steel. maybe bounce it around and work on dribbling as well. all the while enjoying my tea and fruit snacks.

they really bring the session together.

man, i need to get this down while it’s still fresh in my head. this show was unexpectedly fun. everyone there was kinda young, but all the acts were solid. half of binary star, one be lo (aka: one man army) was kind of the host of the night, coming in between all the acts with a few songs to keep the crowd moving. it was kinda disappointing that a large part of the crowd didn’t know who binary star were, and really, anyone there to see blue scholars should have at least heard of them.

then this cool soul group chokolate, and a strange hard reggae hip hop group that put on a good show. i thought their music was great, but the crowd grew impatient and some group of guys started chanting “blue schol-ars, blue schol-ars” when they had two songs left which was pretty whack. not very neighborly.

it was a long show but the blue scholars finally came on, and i screamed along with the songs i knew and listened as best i could to stuff they were still working on and won’t be available until next may. the crowd’s energy was so infectious though. the fact that some legitimate hip hop is putting seattle back on the map is a very exciting time. these two guys could potentially start a revolution in the scene around here.

but really, the show tonight was great, and i’m so mangled.

ahhh holidays. i bet i could ride from seattle to portland on my bike in about the same time it’s going to take most people to drive. i’m really looking forward to seeing the blue scholars tonight, but i know getting to seattle is going to be a grand time.

it’s funny, i feel like i got the writing bug after the past week, and now i find myself thinking through things i have already written and finding myself wanting to write more. only took a week to get the ball rolling, and now i wonder why i can’t find the time more often.

probably because it happens when it needs to, and now i have to finish work.

Day 7

I wasn’t sure if this was going to work, but it did. i can’t believe how just forcing myself to type everyday was also forcing me to think. i was thinking i was going to have to have a day 8 for this kind of reflection, but something happened last night and it came out. all that thought compressed into something tangible, and now i can look back and see how my mind can take a week, with little imput but the musing from the day before, and follow the path to another stop-gap.

i live in an environment of my choosing, of what i aspire for in my life. i want to achieve something in my life not to please others, not to justify my life to myself or anyone else, but to have that experience. to set out on a huge goal, achieve it, and see where it takes my life from there. i am capable of changing my environment, even swinging it to new extremes. i could move to europe in a heartbeat. it would be a lot of work to uproot myself from here and re-establish somewhere else, but it could be done, if i felt it was necesary. i have the privilage to have that kind of control, so maybe that’s why i hate complaining so much. complaints lie right at that point where you’re not happy with your surroundings, but you are somehow left with insufficient drive to try and change it. because as much as your job may suck, the prospect of finding a new job is a whole lot more work, and when you think about it, could end up being worse.

choice is power, such unimaginiable power. but this is why people seek truth, look for it, try to unearth it and apply it. i gather truth that fits me so that when i encounter a situation that is similar, but different, or completley different, i have an answer key of sorts. if you make random choices in every situation, you are going to be left flailing. but if you catalog and review past descisions, they can be applied and judgements can be made from that. the happiness recieved from these results is the direct consequence.

the more stock you put in some truths over others will show a trend, and choices will be made depending on that particular view. and it is so you. it is you in the basest of senses. judging people for their actions, their choices. trying to understand the situation that drove them to choose as they did. to have that kind of empathy, along with an ability to understand it, is what makes this crazy society, and such hugely abstract concepts like “dad” or “friend”.

i am not resigned to my fate, i am only waiting. waiting for the next change in my environment, the next change for me. because these things take time. it’s easy to let myself be mentally lazy, and sometimes it is needed and well deserved, but active thinking is needed just as much, just like going jogging a couple times a week, or rock climbing. i know this change will come about when i am most ready, because my choices will help push the idea along, until it comes to fruition.

i am on a long term track, but i am open enough to roll with the punches. because everything can change in the blink of an eye, and if choices cannot be made in response to it, i am lost. but i believe in the choices i have made, the person i have become and am content with it. i believe this is one of many ideal environments for me, because there is way more good than bad. it may be arbitrary, but that also makes it a representation of myself. but i know that this environment will not be the same forever, it will change, i will change, and my biggest hope is that i can move forward with this change, and make myself better. the irony is in how subjective that is, but i appreciate that. irony has always been one of my favorite sources of humor.

so here it is, all out there, in one week, i accomplished this. it feels like alot, and it kinda is, but at the same time it is only scratching the surface. i love this medium, but you can’t just go throwing out anything. just the idea that someone besides yourself is reading this allows for that type of voice to shine through, where you force yourself to think in a way to express your ideas to other people, and in turn find yourself that much richer for taking the time to think of how it could ever possibly be expressed. it gives that cement to the ideas, to formulate how they come, and what you can do with them.

i am a destroyer, because it is impossible to be a creator without the same capacity. sometimes, destroying barriers is way more difficult than creating new ones. my life is a direct result between this dichotomy in everything i have ever come to know, and i should never be afraid of something that is a part of me, because as misguided as it may be sometimes, there are also important life lessons to be learned because of them, choices to be made.

it seems strange to me that this work. i remember thinking “i have no idea where this is going, and i’m on day 4”. i knew at the time i thought it that the process was more important than the end product. i could think that to myself, but still couldn’t see it because i wasn’t at the end yet, had that uncertainty, that capacity for speculation. at some point the truth of the matter settles in, clicks and becomes much clearer, since it has come to be a part of everything else you think is established, with major ideas being reiterated over and over, with different situations to show why and how.

i did this and it worked, but i couldn’t keep it up for a month. i couldn’t do it a month from now, not at any set time period. it just feels right when you think of an idea and know you need to follow through with it. becuase that uncertainty allows for the ability to grow, even if it’s in directions that were completley unpredictable.

that unpredictablility is the good stuff. it really is.

Day 6

i am just engrossed an obsessed with environment. it surrounds me and it is me. it is what draws out parts of me to be expressed, parts of what i need to do the best that i can with that environment, and use it to my advantage. my advantage. it may seem all about my advantage, but it doesn’t mean that it’s no-hold-barred to reach that end, but that’s subjective, depending on the environment. i am surrounded by this cloister, my apartment, my workplace, the area i live around, it is my microcosm. even the surrounding area is other small microcosm. other people’s abodes. my parents house. the doctor’s office. the supermarket.

i take a car, or a bike. i think i love biking so much because it makes a trip into more. because when i am on a bike, i am outside, using my muscles for something that is so modern and human. an engineering marvel that is so efficient for our anatomical makeup, and an ability to be in more direct contact with the elements. to be an active part of your journey, as opposed to the more detached microcosm of your car, is just a huge difference. both are necessary for my microcosm though. there’s only so many roads i can take with a bike, and trails are safer than roads, so i’ll end up riding the most efficient route , because riding with cars just sucks, so i avoid it at all costs, leaving me with a lot less options. so i see pretty much the same route whenever i go for a ride anywhere within a 10 miles radius.

but i’m down with exploring. it’s fun to just ride wherever and flesh out the neighborhoods in the areas between the major thoroughfares and just go up countless dead ends, most of them with brutal hills. the more i ride it, the smaller it gets though. things are pretty close to each other around here. lake washington is around 13 miles end to end, and you can really cut down on the mileage when you can be alot closer to the shore, with no lights to slow you down.

but i digress. i’m still really thinking about microcosm and environments, just very specifically. those details are part of my microcosm, and i take all of these places i have ever been and jumble them all together in my head. this, for all intensive purposes is my universe. all the places i have seen from Bellingham to New York to Tokyo to Redmond and everything else in between is up in my noggin, to be remembered. maybe with a little embellishment, with a few events standing out more than others. they are the definitions for those areas. they are what you found in that environment, and what you appreciated most about it. you took that part in because out of sensory assault that is specific to every place you have ever been, a couple veins rose out of the patterns, and were in turn applied to everything else in the environment, like it just couldn’t be helped.

they are hazy when i try to recall them straight up. but if i have chances to revisit these areas, it’s nice to do from time to time. see what it’s like now, if it has changed. if it has changed, how do i react? i think i find it interesting. this area is growing as i grow. this environment i am a part of is growing as well, growing at a tremendous rate. i am a part of this community at times, when i go out in public. where just about anyone is allowed to roam free, to do mostly as they please. i join the hustle and bustle to live my life, tackling my environment with so much energy burned to get from one resting period to the next.

i think i see where news and politics and sports and reality tv and all other media fit into this community. in this area, if you’re say pumping gas, or waiting for an elevator, and there are people around you can inadvertently start talking about democrats taking over the house, but maybe not the senate, world affairs, local affairs, what happened on Lost last night. these are all an easy way to gauge people, with the complexities of social discourse. do they agree with you? do they disagree? resp[ectfully or disrespectfully? witty? dry humor?

a million variables that are broadcast through tone, inflection, gestures, in a hugely complex way of expressing ideas.but it must work sometimes as i would like to believe i have retained much of what i have gathered and stocked over my life, drawing life experience out of certain microcosm in my universe. knowing that moment where you realize what you should have done, how you could have nuanced the situation a little better and maybe achieved a different result, resulting in more general happiness for yourself and everyone else involved.

i exist in this environment, but it is also a projection of myself. i interact with parts of it directly and indirectly, and thus make it me. life experiences happen in these areas of my universe, and i use them to better myself, or for refuge, or to try something new. without this environment, i would not be the person i am today, not exactly. i would probably have a near same experience with my direct family, but if my parents had decided to live in ohio, with my dad at the steel mill, i would be a similar, yet completely different ryan.

and i think alot of musing always ends up on some tangent of how your life would be different if something did or didn’t happen. if i had chosen to work at a bike shop instead of the movie theater, i wouldn’t have met the love of my life, and my life would be completely different. what if? my environment is directly and indirectly responsible for all of this, as i react as the person i am, as what i prioritize in my life. with importance based on a scale only i can define.

i am so lucky as to be able to choose and thrive in an environment where i can be so free. this is so a privilege. of hard work generations before me, when i come in on the coat tails of the people that paved the way. there’s no way to really express gratitude but to keep going, to succeed, be somebody. i’m fine with that. as long as i get to have a say in some of it, following some rules isn’t that tough. it’s not like i haven’t had to work, but there have been comparable periods of just gliding by. but still, there is so much privilege involved. i guess there must be some reason behind the lower-middle class though, and i hope i am doing my part to contribute.

i really have to say that i am happy in my life. i feel i have come to terms with my environment, and in accepting that, come to terms with who i am and how i fit in. to my social network, to my family, to everyone involved in my life at other microcosm they share with me, with overlap. connections upon connections upon connections. of a universe i have chosen to the best of my ability with the information i had on hand at the time.

too pragmatic? perhaps. but then, that’s part of who i am, right?

Day 5

truth. do i seek it? can i know it? if there is no truth in my life, then things can shift whenever they feel like. but just because i have these truths in my life does not make them concrete, they are only that way to me. if i accept it as truth, doesn’t that make it so? if it has that kind of arbitrary nature, which is how i classify it, then why should i find it? won’t it find me?

there are so many facets to truth it feels overwhelming at times. some things are true given a certain environment, but are false in others. it depends on so many variables, so much speculation. but the speculation can’t be removed, it’s one of the foundations behind the truth. finding what is real in this oasis of reality. if i gather more truth, then will i find things better? if i am certain more often, will it make me better? gather. maybe i’m not an optimizer, maybe i’m a gatherer. i gather everything in my life, including physical representations of what i would like my reality to be, and cram it all in a closet. everything i gather has a meaning to me. if i look at it, feel it, smell it, hear it, i can evoke a memory, an emotion. you don’t realize it when it’s happening, but when you look back you can re-evaluate it.

how many times can you re-evaluate before it becomes meaningless? off to infinity. become that asymptote. approach infinity, but don’t touch it. not because you want to, but because you can’t. oh you can get close, so close as to actually feel like you are in full control, holding it. but you can only fool yourself, you can’t fool infinity. it knows it is untouchable.

i gather these untouchables in my head and keep their idea there by revisiting from time to time. but it cares not for me, i only care for it. because it gives me what i need in this life, something tangible. something i can wrap my brain around and fully realize as something that is a part of me, a projection, what i want it to be. i project what i want to. don’t i? sometimes i don’t, but in any given moment, that projection can be easily altered with any justification. so in that given moment, yes, i project what i want, but can look back and realize i didn’t want to. hindsight is so clear, given that you have all the variables to work with. no need to solve for x when you have it in your hand.

i gather, i optimize, i project, i react, i live. all this swirls into me and shoots right back out, to the rest of this reality. i am not the only one here. it is occupied by others. they do as they please when they can, as i do. other times both do what they can. i can’t live the debt free life i want, because i am a part of this construct, i choose to be inside. for that choice i forfeit everything and nothing. i give those debts meaning, and they are a part of me. despite all these musings, i still exist. am aware. do stuff.

i am a special snowflake. i form in the sky from water, in a pattern dictated by a million forces to create something unique. i then float down to the ground, where i melt and return to where i came. i spend this flight with billions like me, that all end up the same way. unique in one moment, common in the next.

am i a part of something larger? does it matter if i know? would knowing make my day to day grind any better? i have a feeling that it wouldn’t. but i have no idea what knowing of that level entails. but i feel my indifference will allow me to accept it if it comes along. is it indifference? how can you be open to everything without developing indifference? you get hurt, you experience joy. you get used to the idea that any idea is probably important in some way, but it’s meaning isn’t clear yet. and you can only wait, with patience. or without it. i’m going to wait anyways, i guess it’s in my nature to be patient about it. if i wasn’t then maybe i’d be that go-getter that changes the world. but i cannot force what i want into what i am too quickly, that will just ruin the whole batch of cookies.

i wonder if when you meet your maker, it turns out to be an idealized you. like looking in a mirror, but it’s the person who has the qualities you think of at times as the person you want to be. and you get to have a direct conversation. would i like that person? or would i think they were an ass? or would it just be the me i have always been, when i look in a mirror? not because i am that idealized person, but because i am who i am, and there is no ideal?

it makes sense, ideal candidates only fit best in their ideal environment.

i am my ideal environment.