Day 4

this is important. information. what is it? why do i choose the information i do, to process, to integrate? although this choice seems and feels trivial, it is so important. the information i choose will shape me as a person, and shape future descisions. why is it seemingly so trivial then? there is something deep inside of me that chooses to hear what i want, so that i can live the way i want. i dictate how this goes, to the best of my ability. this is such a key ability to the essence of me. but what is it? what dictates all this craziness?

how can i even be sure of this information? i choose to make it so, so it is. if enough people agree then it becomes and idea of sorts, something that is accepted. but why do i have to go along? why do i feel like somethings are worth going along with? does it make it easier to accept somethings as truths, even though i really have no idea? i choose ideas to be building blocks, foundations, something to anchor in everything else. without these anchors, do i have nothing? i wouldn’t even know about how to get rid of these anchors anyways. there must be a point an idea becomes more than an abstraction and is integrated. to differentiate it back out seems almost impossible.

the info isn’t necessarily as important as the choice. the choice is what makes it mine. makes it a part of me. there must be a million factors that go into these, that make me who i am. just a bunch of neurons? there are trillions of them, which makes for such a massive set of odds of combinations. it’s dizzying to think about. and yet they form patterns, have divisions of labor that will carry out the tasks that have to be done, but leaves some parts to chance, the natural variability. necessary? it might just be, but that would entail accepting the fact that these neurons have that much control. i don’t think i’m willing to go that far yet, but i still think it’s a big part.

my poor brain, doing what it can to survive, along with everyone else’s. full of information, full of opinions based on that information. depending on the reality they want to accept. should i ever accept my reality? i think i might just do it automatically, anyways. there’s always something to do, something to distract , and yet still a part of the reality of my choosing.

i desperately want to make the right choice, all the time. of course it doesn’t work like that, but it still doesn’t keep me from doing the things i do as myself to optimize my chances. optimize, efficiency, is that what there is to strive for? something to do to maximize our time to do whatever we want? work and reward. work and reward. work for reward? work as reward? depends on how you look at it. i think the point is to just accomplish something, anything, to have that feeling of accomplishment. is it puritan work ethic or something deeper? must be puritan. look at europe, look at asia, totally different attitude. striving to be the best and create the most. or just living with what they got.

optimize out to infinity, approach that infinity dammit. make yourself so efficient that you can do everything you’ve ever wanted. everything. so much, so unfathomable. it is something i strive for though. i want to fit as much as i can into a day. so much growth, so much rest, so much time spent with others, with myself, with everything i want to do and accomplish. i don’t feel like i spread myself too thin, but i am starting to realize it’s not the best way to live. but at the same time, i love it. i love being able to have everything work out as planned so that i got alot done in the time i had, and i get frustrated when things change course. it used to be bad, but now i can control it better and think more about what i’m going to do, as opposed to hating that things went different than planned. one snippet of growth, i suppose.

i can optimize forever though, there’s always better way to do things, faster, smaller….better? that’s a bit more open to debate, but i think the focusing on optimizing is…shit, it’s what i am. not a creator, an optimizer. it’s kind of a depressing thought, but i think it’s because people hold such regard for those who innovate, those who create. no one remembers the followers. it doesn’t make them any less important, just less noticed. it’s not that depressing though, i don’;t really care so much if i’m an optimizer or not, i just have leanings toward it, i can still create, it just doesn’t come as easily as being provided with an idea and running from there. my choices dictate as such. i think there’s probably more options than these two, but i feel like those are the two extremes for the idea i’m trying to express. can an optimizer be a destroyer?

could i be a destroyer? i’ll come back to that one. maybe not for awhile, that’s scary. even if i am, i guess i’m an informed one. there’s that.

man, i want it all, truth, information, choices. i’m just a greedy bastard. ut what point is there to all these choices if nothing comes from it? keep expanding that picture and it really looks like nothing. but can i even care about that? shouldn’t i just be focusing on what i have here, now, and deal with it? what does knowing that insignifigance add to what i already have? would it matter if i knew the earth was round and revolved around the sun? i think it wouldn’t effect my life so drastically, but knowing the general concepts behind these ideas allows me to think in different ways. i about things like mass and density, and i can make judgements based off of those. they’re too integrated to pull out of my psyche, they are a part of me. do i have to live with it, how can i extract it? is there something i know, deep within that this is the actual truth? i’ve fooled myself so many times, willfully, or unwillfully. the results are the same either way though. but having a truth seems impossible, without a few chinks in the armor. maybe that’s what makes it true, it needs those holes.

is truth that important?

Day 3

look around me. all these people. do they think like me? not necessarily the exact same thoughts, but they gotta be similar. even my parents must have once thought like this. what happened? people everywhere more consumed about elements out of control, without really looking at themselves as a person. i look at myself as a person and wonder what the hell is going on, but i carry it along anyways. i kinda have to, i think. but people get consumed by something. something that keeps them from seeing the ridiculous for what it is, ridiculous. everyone takes things seriously to different degrees, even me.

i can be serious, i can be ridiculous. i can even be both at the same time if the situation presents itself. i think this week long diatribe is a good example of that. i’m not going to question where this went until the end though, no stop-gap benchmarks. ridiculous. i am ridiculous, and i should know it to the core, but it’s only a surface thing. if it was more at the core, i think i’d be a much more extroverted person, with less regard for anything. but that’s sheer speculation. ridiculosity burgeoning everywhere i look.

serious = the adult (right brain?).
ridiculous = the kid (left brain?).

i am both, i am neither. i can see situations with both, but normally one comes out on top. if i was too kid like i’d probably be a nutcase, if i was too serious i’d be a nutcase as well, but probably evangelical. i like the kid in me, he’s the more personable of the two. but he can be annoying, and very whiny at times. i like being serious too, i can analyze things more for what they are as opposed to what they imply. the adult is just struggling to keep the kid under control.

how can there be this dichotamy in me, without something to control it? it has to exist. left vs. right. why vs.? just because only one can prevail, doesn’t mean anything. anything can be looked at as winning. check the history books. this ambiguity has been beaten form us though. something to be frowned upon. a character flaw. people like deciders, not a waffler. those that are ambiguous can be molded? can be taken from their indecisiveness and placed on a path to deciding something through the influence of others? sounds pretty elementary, not a great thing for ambiguity either, since it is probably frowned upon because they make good sheep. i’m good at being ambiguous though. i suppose i’m good at being a sheep then.

but what choice do i have, between confrontation and sheep? i don’t like being a sheep, but i enjoy confrontation even less. must i become confrontational to grow? is there no other option? it’s definitely one thing missing from my reportoire. is it necessary though? how will i ever know unless i try? have i tried and just not been comfortable with it, and just stopped?

comfort is something that needs to be addressed. i am comfortable almost all the time. so much so that stupid things like headaches can become severly annoying. i am sitting now, very comfortably. i live in a very comfortable area of the northwest with a comfortable job living in a very comfortable apartment surrounded by many comfortable people. comfort leads to crap like this. no meaning, except what i feel, and that’s a load of crap. it makes me want to stop typing right now and end this shit, but i think there’s something behind that reaction as well.

there is no strife in my life. nothing i would consider strifeful enough. mostly money. ridiculous. if there were, i’m sure i could create something much better than i have before because the stakes are different. there are no stakes in my life, only very small ones compared with the rest of this earth. i’m always caught up in this. things could be so much worse, almost unimaginably so. everything that would steal this life from me and then some. my strife is so trivial though, and that makes my life feel the same. and yet i’m not an activist. not one of those agents of change. i am not an agent of change. then what am i? who cares? it’s trivial, right?

i like that i’m angry right now. this can affect my words so, make them bitter, make them stupid. there is absolutely nothing to be angry at. and yet i am. i feel everything i say is tinged with stupidty, everything everyone says seems tinged with it. like there’s a meaning right underneath that is not superficial, but it bestows it on a whole article of thought because it was there all along. it wants to hit me, it wants to point out all that is wrong with the existence i am a part of but i only passively observe. it wants me to be angry at everything, but that makes it only more ridiculous. the only true place to direct anger is at myself. for being so stupid and not realizing it, for being duped, for being a part in the first place. anger for me being myself. what the hell kind of way is that to go about things? i don’t want to be angry at myself. i’m quick to forgive others, but not myself? now who’s a double standard?

but my emotions linger, pointing, trying to get my attention. it influences my actions and thoughts. and not just anger, my emotions. anger is just one i can put a name to. even if i could just turn them off though, would i do it? these emtions make me what i am. it directs my intellect in ways i cannot fathom. my emotional base is me. but it shifts so often and one thing i care about deeply at one moment is pushed aside the next, depending on my emotions. but they bring me so much happiness as well. if i didn’t know this irrational anger, i wouldn’t know the irrational happy either.

it just seems like a wave, recede and come back, between everything in my life. i am a victim of sine waves wheter i like it or not. the patterns are unrecognizable, the frequency, wavelength are all unfathomable. what can i do but ride the wave? swim against it? swim with it? swim perpendicular? dive under? which direction is which? what will come form each action? what to choose? you can only choose one, make it a good one. only one choice, only one path, only one reaction. seems limited to me.

so maybe it takes work. strive for strife. get up out of bed and charge head on and be a doer. a person that does things. i wonder if i have to experience it first hand to see what it is like compared to what i have now. i find when i do things just to see what it is like, i end up in the same place i started though. a little more perspective maybe, but nothing that my person doesn’t feel like it didn’t know before. but that’s what i’m trying to break free of. the resignation to my fate.

there has got to be a different way besides resigning myself to my fate, which is to be me. maybe that isn’t so bad. maybe it is inevitable. things will definitely change, and maybe it is a good thing i’m not surprised anymore. it is part of me not to be surprised, just react accordingly. maybe it’s not the fact that i’m not surprised about anything anymore, but the fact that i don’t care. is that a part of me? why do i let myself get away with saying fuck it to somethings, but not others? why not? it’s easy isn’t it? would it even matter if i could care the way i wanted to? wouldn’t that make life more difficult?

what if the growing is already done? that’s real scary. i think there’s more room to grow but it’s going to be way out of my comfort zone, and i wouldn’t even know how to go about it. things seem to take care of themselves in the end, but the end sometimes takes a little longer to get there. so i can get out of my comfort zone, it just takes me more time.

that’s comforting.

Day 2

mask to the ball. i like the idea of that. i feel like i do it all the time, but i don’t feel like i’m covering up anything, denying parts of myself to others, that may or may not deserve it. everything doesn’t need to be known to everyone. without that ability to control information , then you’re left to the whims of everyone else. even if it’s a small piece of control, it’s about all you have in the social arena. but where does this arena exist, if only just outside of yourself? what kind of world would you create in your mind without what exists outside of it.

wouldn’t it need to be similar to the way things are now, just more idealized? what else do i have to go off of though, besides that which i observe? if i let my inner self run free, would it be happier in something that it built for itself? if i could start from scratch and make a world in my own choosing, wouldn’t there have to be threads of recognition, parts that are necessary to keep it from ripping itself apart? maybe the reason people interact and create is to keep that fabric from absorbing itself. there has to be key elements that run to the core of society, just as to the self. without some foundation, the rest will be built until it can’t support itself. i am similar to this social arena in that sense. there is a core, must be, for all of this to exist.

what is this core though, are they similar to each other, some quintessential pieces that are the foundation for any conscious being? consciousness as opposed to life? they have to thread together, for consciousness is totally based on life to exist. but then it does exist and it has a direct influence on life. to work against, or turn against the master? what is giveth can be taken away, but totally at the whim of the conscious.

at the same time, our frame of time is so small, so minute compared to anything on this earth. think of how many species of plant and animal have existed since the earth was born and look at today. only evolved ancestors have made it, but consciousness has only appeared in around the last 40,000 years or so. not many years when the earth is over 4 billion. with such a small time frame, how can we expect to know anything without a couple of billion years to sort through it all? are we so accelerated? if we all died the earth would continue spinning, the sun would continue shining, the tides to rise and fall. life cares not for us, we must care for life. it created us, but we are subject to it’s rules, which mostly only entails death.

death, the opposite of life, with consciousness sitting somewhere in between, and arbitrator of sorts. it must be a natural progression of life, because it sure isn’t necessary. at least in my limited scope. it’s just another way to channel the entropy, to create something in the middle before it heads to the extreme.

so huzzah for consciousness, you allow me to write this stuff. stuff that means something. stuff that carries meaning between me and every other organism like me who can read in this arbitrary language, on this arbitrary medium. out there, but destined to have little to no impact. one screaming vessel striving to the highest point to gather the most sun it can before it goes away again, back to where it came from. where does all this striving lead? what can i get out of all this effort i expend.

it comes everyday in the people i interact with, this is what i live for. to help others, to please others, it’s what i want to do. i feel better about myself when i do these things, to people that appreciate them, or even when they don’t. just to be busy. to be doing something. i choose these people though, and they choose me. it’s mutual in some respects anyways. but my information keeps me in control of my own domain, and other people theirs. it’s not a struggle for control. is it? i don’t think it is, but i can see how it would be played that way.

the control you seek over yourself, do you seek it in others as well? consciously or unconsciously? hard wired with animal instincts, hard wired with biology. consciousness in biology, the final frontier. i am part of this construct, part of this infancy. i contribute to the whole while taking what i can for myself. what else am i to do though? live off society, live off the earth, it seems the same to me. systems to be utilized. gains and losses to be balanced. mental vs physical exertion. give me control and all will be well. what do you do with it once you have it? why would anyone want it? so much responsibility, i can hardly fathom. i do not like responsibility, but will take it when it needs to be, when it will expedite something, or make things easier in the long run. some people want control, and others would rather be. i’m in the rather be column, but only to certain extents. everyone seems to be in one camp or the other with leanings toward the other when need be. preferred modes of action won’t always get you what you want, but it can most often get you what you need.

needs and wants. another blessing/curse of being aware? in this life i live, wants can become needs. that’s how good i have it. i try and differentiate, and i know at an intellectual level what the difference is, but that holds no sway over my emotions unless i try really hard. how can my intellectual be at such odds with emotions all the time. am i such an imperfect machine that even though i may rationally understand an idea, my emotions influence me to reject that reason, to go with it. if i try to dominate my feelings with intellect, does that mean i am quashing a part of me? suppressing a part? denying a part? forcing submission of one part of me to satisfy another? a tug of war where no one wins the war, just daily battles.

i want more than that. how do i even go about talking to the parts of me. is it the same me, only looking at the situation from a different angle? determining if any viewpoint is more right seems such a daunting task, a commitment, something i’m not the biggest fan of. not a risk taker, so which ends up being the dominant trait, the outward expression the viewpoint from others? the facets of me fractal, spiral off in directions i have no control over. the pattern i am is dictating where they go, but i have no control over that, just an emotional base to work from. dictated by my intellect which only gives me partial control. what a crazy system of self, all the chaos and order, only to be bestowed on anyone, including me.

is coming to terms with that the only way to deal? i bet if i meditated more often and alot harder, i would have more control. but what would that bring me? would it give me a different perspective of the social arena, of this earth i live on, different from what i have already come to accept? what do i accept about this planet? the fact that it is another vessel, spinning around the sun, with things working out just so, so that life could form over billions of years? is god someone who is like us, but billions of years old and is now propagating this life in the only way it knows will give it any permanence? would god make things simpler?

even if all my misgivings were directed squarely at god, that would crop up a whole other can of worms, all most basing itself firmly in the question of why. why would he create us like this? to what purpose? why all the circles? do we need this roundabout path to realize we need to break free of it? break free to where? then what? i think the same questions apply without god anyways.

if the only purpose of life is to live and make each other happy, that seems a bit small in scheme. but that what may make it so fiendishly brilliant. simple. form, function, coming together to create something of supreme beauty and quality. things i have come to admire throughout my life. things i understand very little of but could put to words if pressed. what is beauty to me? truth? justice? a representaion of them, in physical form? what the hell? simple or complex, both are beautiful, there has to be more of an essence, more of a core quality that brings about this beauty. understanding? not necessary. beauty is inherent, but only recognizable to some. does an understanding of what is not beautiful help in what is? perhaps. but it’s so arbitrary that it could be assigned either way, depending on the viewpoint. i don’t even know if i want to know. mystery adds so much to beauty sometimes.

maybe the mystery is at the core. something not to be understood, only appreciated. something to be left out of the equation, as it won’t fit those parameters anyways. another set of parameters though, what are they? are they self dictated? you have what is given to you, but depending on how you feel, that is how it will be interpreted? is that the extent of it then? the construct i am in. the way that i live. choices and shape.

interpret.

Day 1
and already i have lost the appeal of this. and therein lies part of who i am, part of what i believe. i guess i should at least try and just throw something out there, to see if i agree with it or not. i should at least have a fairly solid self-realized self in any sense. but i don’t. after having so much of me change and my ideas change, i feel like i have nothing to commit to, because it’s going to change anyways. i will be a constant victim of hypocrisy if i commit to something, because i’m sure there’s more than one situation where i’d be doing the opposite. the other side of the coin isn’t that much of a stretch for me. i just think of how i would react in that situation, and since i seem almost capable of anything, it’s not that hard to envision.

so then, do i believe in myself? to what extent? because i don’t always feel i’m doing the right thing. well, i guess i do. i do what i feel is most right in any given situation. then more information comes into the equation. suddenly i’m not so right anymore. or maybe i’m more right, depending on the info. it maddens me though, becuase i know i would have probably decided differently if i had been thinking with the extra information.

i guess that would leave me believing in information i have gathered throughout my life, but i’m a trained scientist (and a skeptic at heart anyways) and i know that there aren’t any established facts, just that some patterns are more defined and predictable than others. i have to choose information though, true or false because i have to make descisions. i can’t be bothered all the time to know if they are 100% right. i hate 100%. it entails that it contains everything, that there’s no wiggle room for anything else, since it is complete, perfect. and that is shennanigens in my skeptical book. if this perfection is obtained, then there’s nothing else. you got your 100%, what the hell else do you want?

it’s at the root of my math hating. if you follow the rules just right, you will get a said answer. there’s a beauty in that i appreciate, but i suck at it. there’s too many options, too many rules to try and use, and if i’m off by a few numbers, so what? exactness is not in my nature, that’s one thing. numbers, figures, amounts, are barley retained, and i don’t really care. i don’t know how much bob dole gets paid a speech. i don’t know how much coastline alaska contributes to the US’s total. i know all sorts of inanities, but very few of them are numerical.

why do i hate this exactness? because i’m not good at it, therefore i shouldn’t force myself to deal with it? it’s in my self-defined essence to not like these things, so that’s that? is it because all i can tell about life is expressed in greys and being exact seems rediculous? i think that’s what i settled on over the years, but i think there are probably a million reasons for it. i get to a point where something bugs me enough for a period of time and then i come to terms with it. i come to terms with myself, for who i am. i have to on a daily basis and it gets tiring. but now that i have accepted so much, i feel the ennui setting in, where the crank up robot goes and does things that are so familiar, he could be blindfolded. poor baby thinks he can have it all without struggle, that without the strife, there isn’t anything worth obtaining.

is it possible to live a life without the strife without being crushingly bored? i like to say that everything is a balance, but why does it have to be like that? why do i even believe that? balance is something that is found and discovered, but then you find it and then what? you live you life according to this balance? you use it as leverage to balance out something else? balance bot, here to bring balance to your life. don’t worry everything will be equal.

well that’s no fun. if everything in life was balanced, nothing would happen. it takes an idiot to build a scandal, and a pack of fools to carry it out to fruition. i am drawn to these extremes. celebrity gossip is way more fun than politics. watching reality tv crowded with drama queens sure beats the hell out of a show that is packed with losers like me. why do i call myself a loser? because i’m boring and non-confrontational? because carrying a conversation is sometimes more insurmountable than running a marathon? do i really want to emulate all those other winners and become the person i’ve always wanted to be, cast in the image that i have built on the shoulders of all the winners and losers that came before? what other standards do i have to hold against myself? i feel i am happy with myself, but it feels like delusion at times. not because my life is terrible, but because i have these standards that have almost been dictated to me by others. everyone’s got a stake in that, and the numbers stack up on one of the many sides of the issues, and i’ll choose one. it makes me feel less icky to vote against child labor, but makes me feel warm and fuzzy to vote for clean energy. so the hell what? is this what i have to base me, as a person, off of? or only in the social arena?

where else do we have to go but the social arena though? it’s where everything happens. people exchange ideas. people do stuff with them. shit. the exchange of ideas, without actually knowing anything about what makes them believe that. i accept all my info from people who have no idea who i am, and i don’t know if they have any siblings, or if their parents are still alive. the information i recieve from peoiple i know versus people i do not. i can’t know everyone, but people you know are treated different than strangers.

the idea that i come to look at these sources as facets of my life, parts of me. they are what dictate my reality to me, because i choose to accept it. i can’t do all the fact finding and i allow as a distribution of labor, someone else to do it for me. and i take it at face value, then go off and integrate it into something else. something that i believe is a part of me, and will help validate it to others. so that they may more readily understand where i’m coming from. but this is towards the people i know, not the talking heads. all these people i like get the same information though, and they don’t always agree with me. i suppose this only pertains to the social arena though.

but if it’s no big deal, i could be zen with myself right now and never have to worry because i can always put on a mask for the ball. i think i do anyways. i act different around different people. they are sides of me that i allow others to see, what they will most accept without questioning anything. it’s not that i am denying anyone who i really am, it’s just that the filter is changed.

all these filters inside my head, pull one out, put another in, and the image will change just enough to know that it is different, but really it’s still the same. i have to get at that picture. i can keep stripping away layer after layer and never come to a core, that thing i call me because there can’t be a core, can there? if it was core to me as a human, wouldn’t it be core to everyone else? at what layer does the core turn from something that is impossible to live without to something that changes the permutation enough to make a different person with the same building blocks?

there’s more questions than answers. check.

I’ve had it up to here.

i think and think and think and what comes from it, except a strange regisnation to my fate? what happened to the breakthroughs? what happened to the hope? my brain was so happy to finally reach a state of complacent acceptance and now that it has it, it starts getting all anxious. wtf? damn greener grass…

there’s been something that been bugging me, and that’s my beliefs. what the hell are they? where do they want to take me? how do they relate to how i’m living my life now, and how is it being influenced?

this is something i should seriously think about before i write. and i feel like the time to think has come to an end. my mind thinks but forgets and unless all that information is put in the right order, it doesn’t matter. this isn’t the best forum for this, and yet it is. i know it is. becuase i could write this in a journal. i could write it in a word document. but there’s this publishing finality that comes with this medium. this thought happened at this moment and was thought this way. the things that happen with this information becomes so much more infinite once i push the publish button, yet they are still mine. sure, there aren’t a whole lot of people who read this, but there are some. i can change what i want but i don’t think i’ve ever edited anything really besides some drunk stuff that was incomprehensible.

i want this out there, unedited, so that i have something to look back on, something to show the path i follow, from one day to the next. because i can’t keep track of every thought on everyday, because it has too much to do at any given moment, something to distract it. maybe distraction is a part of it.

i want to do some serious, deep, philosophical soul-searching here. i’m past due, and it is time. so much has happened in my life where i throw it in the to do box and let it sit there, most times without realizing it. it’s quite a pile now i’m guessing. i can’t really tell until i sort through it. i have all this perspective from my 25 years and it’s about time to benchmark what i think and believe now, embarrassing, time capsule style.

1 week, one entry per day, no other stipulations. as little or as much as i write is going to show me something. i’m sick of seeing and learning things and feeling like i’m constantly having beliefs reconfirmed, without being able to state what the damn things are. there’s some idea at the bottom of that heap, waiting to be pieced together. i know it’s there. i can be a better person. i can do all i’ve ever wanted. i just need my perspective back, to realize what it is. being able to take an idea and translate it into words is an amazing feat, and sometimes i think i do it justice. sometimes it makes me want to scream.

waiting to be discovered. waiting to be realized. i need to force this because i know it needs to be that way.

1 week.

Election Day!

don’t worry it won’t bite. well it might, but it shouldn’t be lethal.

yeah i tells you what, i tells you, once dem republicans be kicked out of the house things is gonna change. gold and strippers falling out of the sky, and people of the world uniting to become one with the essence of life itself, as the bad elements are purged out of america like we just figured out the code to the airlock that sits somewhere in the NV/AZ desert. the door we claim to have found but could never open. bust it open and watch anything and everything get sucked out into oblivion where it doesn’t really matter anymore.

i had a productive day yesterday. i visited people, i picked up stuff, got new stuff, dropped stuff off. all in a timely manner. i accomplished short term goals and once again fashioned a proof for myself that a ounce of prevention is worth a pound of prepardness. it felt good to accomplish some of this, yet still leaving a little wiggle room for that of which yet needs to be completed. they’ll get done allright, done reaaaaaaaaaal good. in a timely manner of course. what a worthless paragraph.

i went dancing, my soul lit alive and floundered at the same time as it convulsed to the pounding rhythm (such a cool word, i guess it is sometimes y) of alternated deep trance and epic trance. the epic is more to my liking, but everyone else was on the floor for the deep. which was fine by me, more room to hop hop hop around. those otha suckaz can try and keep time to the deep trance, which is just house with some reverb and stomp stomp stomp out of time due to an ingestion of too much ecstacy. gotta go with what feels right though, with the dance you heart delights in, the music that sings to core of your esscene, drawing upon your experiences on this earth and the subconcious tha’s running things behind the scenes. letting it flow forth through the dank, wet feel of the club where the nwtekno groups convene and try and sort out their lives among peers of equal empathy. gimmie another light show and let me use that head massager and we’ll call it even. even the waking up with a terrible calf cramp in the middle of the night was sensational. my muscles can still be abused sometimes if i have sufficient drive.

sit. contemplte. feel. it’s cool, i won’t tell anyone. you’re safe here. safe and sound in the ability to do as you please whenever you want to. to make is to comprehend. understanding can fill the hole but eats away at the bottom as to only make it deeper. if you dive in headfirst though, you are lost, you succumb, you give in. you become a part of that deep hole and at that point, it doesn’t really matter where you are, you’ve discovered something far greater anyways. i have this rope though. amazing really. comprised of all that has come before me. all that i currently know, love, and trust down tot he center of what i understand as myself. it dangles down a little below my feet but is constantly growing, as i constantly go deeper. it takes what i have to offer and keeps weaving, adding to the spindle of rope that seems to stop growing sometimes but is. i lower myself cautiously, not knowing what or where the bottom is, just that if i hang on, i’ll get there. potential energy to be let loose slowly, as to expend it all at once would be to let go of the rope. which may happen someday. it may be the only realy way to figure out where you’re being lowered too.

to much analogy, i get into them so thinck sometimes that i feel way to literal and then the metaphore becomes a thinly veiled metaphore, where you spell things out instead of leaving them implicit. imply this, bitch. i think what i wanna and my brain has a dandy of a time sorting it out. it is on the edge, where it needs to be, with ego struggling to bust out of the seams and allow an understanding of such high quality that i might even understand what and how much quality it contains. it’s that cool to be me. try and be me, i dare you. just about as futile as that door in NV/AZ. if you could open i, you would know, and then the trip would be over. if you knew then there wouldn’t be much else to excel towards, would there?

if the point of the trip is the journey and not the destination, then a life of endless wandering is the key. there is no spoon. there is no destination. there is nothing that can’t be accomplished, and nothing forbidden. crash into the door over and over until a result is achieved. and praise the wonder that lets you think even grasp some comprehension of the paths you take, despite not knowing the motive or the force. it just exsists, and that really is good enough. no worth, no message, nothing but what you spin, conjure, and select.

…..and relax.

huh, already the end of october. i’ve been wanting to post for awhile, but ironically i only want to blog at work. things have been busy and i haven’t had time to jump over here while at work. it’s that busy.

but it’s good, it keeps my mind distracted. i sit here with nothing really interesting to say because i’ve been go go go for the past couple of weeks and have barley had a chance to sit down. hence i am focused at the task at hand and the days keep sliiping though my fingers. there were some notable experiences though.

i went to a seahawks game last sunday, and it wasn’t the best game for the hawks, but it was still fun. i’m not a huge sports guy, but i know what’s going on. spectator sports are passive for me, not active. what set it apart from any other game i’ve been to though was going with season pass holders. as opposed to the mariners (where fans are more fair-weather) the seahwks have a large following of hardcore fans. going to a tailgate before the game is a huge community event. everyone’s there for two things. get drunk and support the hawks. it was so cool to be among all these people, even though i don’t share the passion they have. it’s just cool to observe. getting drunk and eating meatball subs is awesome as well.

went to see amon tobin last night, which was a huge deal for the group i was with, but i was just along for the ride. it turned out to be alot of fun, even if the music isn’t really my bag (it’s mostly beats, with little melody). but there was this drummer called KJ who played live drum and bass on a drumset, which was amazing. watching this guy bust out complex, 180 bmp beats for long stretches of time is a sight to behold. being a good drummer didn’t hurt him either.

otherwise i just drift from day to day, working, meeting friends and people when i can, and relaxing when i can. everything always feels like a full schedule, but if you take a step back from everything you’re so intent on, it feels a bit rediculous. my life is dictated by others i feel, but i can still interpret them. and have fun while doing it.

why not?

I been feelin’ in a rut, but i know that things are getting better. you can just feel these things, slowly and surely. anyways, someone found my page looking for this:

“a game called organisim were you take a girl’s clothes off and give her an organisim and try not to wake her up”

i wonder if this person really meant organisim? this is just so funny on so many levels, i can’t help but chuckle. on that particualr search phrase, i am #1 on yahoo search, with one other hit.

#1!

ego stroke update:

they said my name on the radio! and they used my quote, which was so shameless and awesome.

“If it wasn’t for KPLU, i would never listen to the radio.”

oh man, it actually worked! that was so cool.

this is definatley the coolest night in recent memory.

ego stroke corner:

I just, for the first time ever, contributed to public braodcasting. 88.5 is pretty much the only station i listen to (sometimes KEXP, if it’s hip hop) so 10 bucks a month for all the radio i listen to, along with all the podcasts i listen to at work is a pretty good deal. i’m just happy i can afford something like this. my life is that good.