i just realized my blogger doesn’t have a comment section. i wonder if that’s intentional. i obviously care what some other may think or i wouldn’t write in such a public forum to be used against me in the trial of the century i’m sure to be involved in at some point of my life. i throw this out there so that i can be taken out of context, taken as whatever side of me decides it’s at the helm and wants to pontificate on something, anything. comments would probably be valuable, but isn’t terribly important to me. and defending ideas is a pretty futile effort, not to mention a time burglar.

i wouldn’t mind it so much, i guess it would let me know people wander here from time to time. i really don’t have much of an idea who my audience is, besides the people i know. i know most people find this site looking for “drunkin sluts” so with that little quote all lined up, this will be the particular blog they come to in their quest.

sorry to disappoint, but the only drunkin slut here is me, and that’s got to be more than a little disheartening. no pictures, even? what kind of stone age is this blog living in? no blogs linked to blogs? this quiet little rant sitting in the corner of the internet somewhere, willfully seperating itself from blog culture to become nothing more than a rant, a rave, with a dash of idiocy. nothing of substance to see here people, move along.

i’m only 25. where the hell do i go from here? everywhere seems the same as anywhere and is only different enough to show you what an idiot you are. i wouldn’t even be so bold as to call myself a self-realized idiot, because that would have to rely on a bevy of presumptions i couldn’t begin to line up.

i had this moment a couple of days ago where i spent the day trying to mess with my perspective and focus so intently on my depth perception as to make it feel like reading the same word over and over. it loses meaning. lines blend, blur, fade, objects become so stark in their contrast as to become nothing. i sense so much, and yet my brain hasn’t adapted to be able to take it all in. my brain only evolved up to a certain perception and felt that was enough to live with and stopped there. that sounds like me though.

dammit, maybe that’s why it stopped. once the conciousness sets in, the rest has to be developed by that conciousness. people have been doing this for tens of thousands of years, building off the discoveries of others, and i have to make the choice to evolve now. but there’s nothing to strive towards, just blind stumbling from day to day. the idea of evolution is that an organisim will continue to change until it is the premium candidate for it’s environment. which leaves us concious folk staggering , punch drunk with the prospects of trying trying to grapple with our conciousness because the environment we evolved into was this earth we now inhabit, but now forced to push the bounds of the mind so that it has a place to fit into a completly different but fully interwined niche.

the angst, the hipocracy, the joy, the beauty, all stemming from this quest towards a new end that can fractal off somewhere else. trivial and everything at the same time. this topic is even meandering, much like myself. my brain slays me. it’s sense of humor is so impeccable as to leave me gasping for more. meandering, wandering keeping the momentum, going with what has already been well established and making sure not to make too much of a dent in the direction as to mess things up and waste energy.

*stream of conciousness warning*

we warn current readers that the blog now kicks into overdrive with thoughts and ideas being spilled out of my brain without real thought of consequence, with only the idea of cathartic release that comes from letting the subconscious go.

feeling with the core of everything that wanders in to be beheld in a reverence that only those who care can come to appreciate and enjoy with their lives in the hands of that which they cannot even fathom, let alone grasp fully, understand fully and greet with open arms that make it here and keep it there to make sure that eveyrone has a fair slice of their piece, what holds them to this humanity, what holds them together as a group of free thinking people that are encouraged to get along for the betterment of the specis as they also keep to themselves and fluster when too social for there are limits to everything that we have that we impose to protect ourselves from what we can create with just the very fabric of our minds, locked to protect ourselves from too much momentum at once , to protect us from ourselves, which we have no control over, no way to get a handle on , and no way to predict and place into a nice neat package, because without the foresight, we might be robbed of our lives, the only thing that is really concrete enough to hold onto, the ability to keep ones self from dying and passing on into something completley unknown, so presumed to be worse.

*end stream*

i wonder if there are certain nuerons in my subconcious that act up more than others, or if all of them need a little ion exchange from time to time. there must be some part of my brain that tells it to spout off self-important gibberish to the masses, or at least recorded for my own use later. a hierarchy of brain cells in my brain, vying for dominance, to seek complete control of both hemispheres, to bring about something new in it’s own cast and image.

fractaling out of control. can i see your license? i think there may have been some sort of update i missed out on.

another two years, another trip to NJ. visiting with my family helps me get some prespective, and i get to sit on the beach and body surf all day. fly kites, play with the kids, build sandcastles, turn the brain off. finish a few books. eat until you explode. everytime i get there i’m amazed at how easily i slip back into talking with everyone, like we never left. it is nice to be back where the heat and humidity aren’t debilitating though. heather came out as well, for the first time to meet everyone, and she fit in prefectly, like i knew she would. i don’t think i would have brought her otherwise. the blessings never cease.

this is what being privy to the global theater brings you. hate. so much hate. it’s impossible to take sides.

no one to blame, but plenty of atrocity.

another STP come and gone, but this year was pretty cool, seeing as i had a road bike and all this year. 122 miles in 8 hours was pretty impressive for me. i’m thinking larger though, gotta get up to be able to ride it in a day. there’s a ride around puget sound at the end of august, 167 miles. i bet i can do it, if i keep the training up.

three days away from leaving for NJ for a week and a half though, and that’s going to be awesome. soveryawesome.

i wonder what made me feel i could get away with all this writing in second person.

talking to the inner me?

ground control, this is raving idiot, copy?

ground control present, how can we help you, raving idiot?

you can listen to me rave about the greatest thing ever.

ground control is intrigued.

ground control is stupid.

we know.

well then, consider this a stupid transmission, an affirmation of idiocy.

roger, over and out.

is anyone else offended that i am freely allowed to declare myself stupid, or anything for that matter? anyone? hello?

sometimes the idea of human interaction makes me mad. reading random myspace pages just makes it worse. you know, friends of friends of friends of friends, until you finally hit that threshold of the six degrees of separation, and you have no idea why it matters anyways, or what you’re looking for. i’m indisposed towards myself all the time. writing this makes me angry. i’m just one of the idiots, and it’s fitting. crying, pleading, begging for attention, screaming for acceptance while preaching the opposite.

i think i’m bitter because it takes so much damn work just to be myself, which really should be the base of everything else. or maybe the fact that there’s no escape. no escape i find acceptable, anyways. that’s the riddle to solve, but it probably involves transcending space and time. i’m probably just not looking hard enough. but screaming into the abyss doesn’t make it any smaller.

holy shit, momentum.

there’s a thought provoker.

as i was leaving heather’s parents house after an eating marathon, something stuck with me. TV is a major prescence there, and i end up getting my fill of food and TV time while i’m there. MTV happened to be on and it was some show about being rich, or something like that.

anywyas, this girl said “every girl’s dream is to be able to have whatever she wants.” ignoring all the obvious crtiques of the comment like, “just girls?” or “every girl?” there’s something deep here.

imagine you could have anything you wanted. what would you want? isn’t most of the wants you can fathom very limited? suppose there was world peace, every leader in the world was benevolent and kind, race and class abolished. then what? suppose you could have inner peace, just like that. then what? any wish you have, granted. then what?

these goals we set for ourself, these wants we desire to have fulfilled, once they are fulfilled, what do we do? we look for the next goal to conquer. it seems shallow, but it certainly is a valid way to exsist. i know i fill the time with it. and i don’t feel like i’m robbing myself of anything, but at the same time, it’s not something to base your life around.

i’m not really sure what i think of goals yet, but i know the way you go about achieving them is important. that’s where the real learning comes in. the choices you make to achieve what you want are dictated by your values, and those are what you have to reflect on. the reason that you make choices. these choices often lead where you want them to, and other times, someplace completley new. but that’s not terribly important unless you place the emphasis on the goal, the ends.

i live in a society dictated by these ends, where reaching a goal is sublime, and the only thing to focus on. i guess i should say the easy thing to focus on. progression through everyday life is tough, and appreciating the means is sometimes tough. i feel like everything is around me to test those values, give me choices in my means, to achieve an end. those choices are what makes up me (externally), but those choices reflect on the judgement of myself (internally). everything around me may not make immediate sense to me (or ever) but they act like benchmarks for what i do, or want to believe.

establishing that frame of reference is the tough part though. it’s hard to take it all in.

this DJ be Warren G….

on another beautiful summer day in the beautiful northwest, i can’t help but think of the environment i live in. i had a conversation with adam where we basically came to the conclusion that one of the huge parts of the human condition is the ability to create our own environment. to be more precise, the choice made to live in harmony with the environment as it is, or wanting to create the perfect one.

this statement has broader implications than just where we live though, i think. the choice to live in harmony with circumstances, or the quest to create better ones. most growth stems from trying to create that perfect environment, but more happiness seems to stem from finding that harmony. if you find harmony though, does that automatically mean you stop growing? it feels like to live in harmony with your environment, you have to have enough information to accept it, but you don’t have to know everything. if you go out and actively try and create your ideal environment, you also have to have enough information to want to change it, and also to know what you want to change it into.

maybe that’s why alot more people are feeling isolated and unhappy, because we don’t know what’s best for us, even though we think we do. but that’s kinda a stupid statement because “best” is just a hollow word. creation of an ideal environment is such a daunting task though, when so much understanding is needed to create it. so much has been established by generations before us, and we all go along with it. there’s not really much other choice, either accept or reject what came before then act accordingly.

can you do both? inquring about one’s environment allows for greater understanding, and then perhaps you can greater harmonize with it. too much understanding might ruin the harmony though, or actually, just create different ones. maybe that’s it. just trying to live harmoniously with so many different tones creates dissonance, and intereference of one with the others. picking one is tough when there are so many options though, and so many oppertunities for a better life. not all frequecncies are dissonant though, some are quite compatible, strengthening that harmony. it seems really subjective as to which ones are truly harmonious, and that which we force to be. some ideas fit together, and others may be forced.

environments are constantly changing though, and there’s always room for change. i can tell this is a smaller piece to a huge idea, but i think i need more pieces to work with.

so i won’t force it.

“Some things you miss because they’re so tiny you overlook them. But some things you don’t see because they’re so huge.”

I got that quote from Robert Pirsig and that book i just finished, and i turned it over in my head about a million times. it made me think about everything i think about. all the things that i take for granted, all of the things i don’t question, and everything i know.

i thought about it because i read ben’s blog, and that was what popped into my head. he was right in the fact that answers have to be self discovered, and the fact that this quote is so broad as to be almost cliche gives it its meaning.

it popped into my head because i wanted to help advise him, to show him things that i have come to discover, but realized it was pointless. not because ben wouldn’t accept it, but because it would not have the same meaning. with these kind of issues, the search is far more important than the end result and i feel like this quote is the only guideline i ever needed.

most of what i know is imported from books, because i relate better to them. i can expand my ideas through discussion, but more often than not, those are just battles of wits. i steal these ideas and incorporate them into me consciously or subconsciously, and these words of wisdom guide me on my quest.

when you go on this search, you have no idea what is tiny and what is huge. you just know that these details you amass are important in some way, be they small or large. the longer you search, the more pieces you gain and the more perspective you gain. when it comes together, it comes together in the terms you have dictated (whether you like it or not) , and everything fits together much better.

while the quote is fairly important to things i have recently discovered, it was the implications that i wanted to pass it on to someone else. here i am with all my stolen ideas (stolen for my own purposes) trying to pass them on. the parts i think are good without all the filler. those ideas are important to me because i got the whole picture though, and a quote can never contain that much meaning, only a sound bite. which is why the search is so important. this guideline for my search suits me fine, but others, i have no idea.

i realize this now, and there’s nothing i hate more than unsolicited advice. because really, how can you talk about these things, these things that are so deeply personal as to wonder how you could ever relate it to anyone without diluting it? the essence of you as a person, as a soul, to be discussed? how is this possible? these discoveries of yours are for you alone, and no one else. if others want to know what you think, they will ask for it but they will not recieve what it is that you discovered because that discovery is a piece of you, and how you define yourself. it may help them on their search, but not in the same way.

persuaision. i’ve never liked it. and the more i think about it, the more i dislike it. it’s what makes people want to share ideas with you, not as the pure ideas that they are, but the interpretation of them. i’m not even sure you can have a pure idea. a copy of a copy of a copy. but there’s no way to get around this slant, all the information i have absorbed is a copy of a copy of a copy. but i take the ones i like and catalog them because they seem important to me.

and that’s it.

the huge part of the puzzle i was missing was that i figure (for now) that my values define my reality. where those values comes from, that’s another huge piece to find. the search is always on, but i feel heartened. answeres are revealed as i am ready for them and not a moment sooner, and this blog serves me as my memory cannot, organizes my thoughts as my mind struggles, and has been the internal me for years now.

thanks, ben.