sometimes i can’t tell if my brain moves too slow, or if it moves so fast that it plugs itself up with too many things and becomes slow.

i finished Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and it just leaves me with more questions as to how i believe what i do, and why. i know this will be a book to return to, but it needs time to digest.

my brain’s all wrapped up in subjective and objective and how quality births the both of them, and how good can come before truth. things i’ve never really thought about before, and at such a loss to examine properly. i have no philosophical training, and only have logic to guide me.

and my brain is moving too fast for me to properly analyze, as questions become repeats, and answers lead back to the same questions. what am i looking for in these answers, and how am i going to be sure that they are the quality that is necesary?

what’s kinda funny is that i went to my tracker for this site, looked at what people were searching for when they found my site (i find it amusing) and i find someone looking for “sub-ject-ive blogger” and lo and behold, here i was only a year ago looking at the same dealings of subjective and objective and coming up with very little, because i don’t think i had thought enough about subjective and objective things. not that i haven’t much in the past year (although i feel like i constantly evaluate everything) and yet it pops up again when i need it. i was looking for a relationship between the subjective and the objective, where the subjective appears to define the objective, but i now know that isn’t so.

to have the subjective is to be able to identify the objective (from this point on this is talking out of my ass) and the objective in turn solidifies the subjective. i think the relationship goes even deeper than this though since quality is what brings both of them about (which i still don’t totally understand). quality is unmeasureable, and yet we are drawn to it, it’s the bridge that holds the subjective and objective together (and i’m sure there are more than a few others) and it’s RIGHT THERE. staring at me, waiting for me to realize something. but realize what?

the things that i cannot comprhend. is that it? way to general. it’s there…so close. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to put it into words. acceptance. but more understanding is necesary to bring about the acceptance.

the values i hold? ok, maybe. if quality is determined by the values i hold, then that would influence everything. it’s different for everyone, these values, and quality is different for everyone. change begins with yourself, but in the end, only yourself you can change. the values i hold don’t change, i just become more aware of them. the things i find solace in are the in direct connection with that which i value, and my exisitance is defined as such. things i find objectionable also factor in. filters i set up to discern the two apart. my subjective and objective is held in check by that which i can’t even explain, because it is at the core of me as a pattern, and not an object.

i can see why some people say that god is in everyone, because in a bizarre way, they’re right.

something’s been bugging me lately, and i haven’t been able to peg it. it’s not that anything’s wrong, it’s just foundless anxiety that pops up from time to time. i’m always looking ahead to the next moment in my life, and not really appreciating the moment i am in. it’s a hard practice to get out of, but i’ve been working on it.

i wonder if i just find myself misplaced by living in the moment, since it is radically different from my normal thinking (i think, anyways). maybe it’s the fact that i don’t see much difference in my life either way i look at it.

once you come to terms living with who you are, is it supposed to help you make decisions that you find harmonious with your frame of mind? or is it just an excuse to defer yourself away from things you don’t particularity like or agree with? how can you tell the difference?

i wonder if it breaks down to active or passive growth in your life. growth is unstoppable, but how you look at it can differ. but i wonder if that even makes a difference. if you choose to passively grow, aren’t you making the active decision to do so? logic traps everywhere, trying to filter through them is tough. which is why i write them down, because a philosopher, i am not. i often think in circles like this an eventually just have to put it to rest because i can’t focus on it for very long before something else pops up.

i’ve been reading this book called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenece and it’s basically a condensed version of an intro to philosophy class. i haven’t finished it, and i don’t think i have absorbed alot of it, but it brought up the interesting point of quality. trying to define it is tough, and the book does that to some degree, but i still feel like most of it goes over my head. it’s in everything you look at. lots of people agree with what high quality products and ideas are. it underlies everything subjective and objective, and the book basically says that quality is a product of subjective meeting with objective. which is all well and good, but smacks of oversimplification to me. i guess i should finish the book, and it might illuminate more for me. i need to think about it more, but i need to write something down now, because it’s alot to absorb.

i feel like my life has always been this slow hurry, where everything i do feels oxymoranic, trying to find the middle ground between too much reason, and too much insanity. i feel like i’m mostly there, but it doesn’t really offer much more than existence. which is what it boils down to, i suppose. the details i have found to distract me do so very well, and i appreciate them immensely. and yet they really just add to my existence, and that’s about it.

i really like what ben’s up to with his trying to remove himself from the world. it’s such a personal journey i could never begin to comprehend, and yet i wonder the same. it really makes no difference if i exist or not (big picture thinking here) and yet i care so deeply as to go on existing. my construct of myself is made to thrive in this particular existence but is that personal choice? i guess i’m surrounded by people doing the same, so there must be something to it.

or not.

throughout most of your day, there is this vein.

the vein of absurdity.

sometimes you are far too distracted to notice it, and things don’t seem as absurd. other times, it gushes out of the vein soaking you so that everything seems to be saturated in it. despite being hosed over and over again though, things still matter. you feel like you have a view into this life, and the deeper the analysis goes, the more questions that pop up, the more absurd everything seems.

but you don’t fully commit to the absurdities that you observe, because that would probably drive you crazy. you know that well is there though, so you peer into it occasionaly because it helps give perspective. that perspective helps to deal with day to day activities because if things weren’t absurd, then they would probably be something else you would be looking to for balance.

there obviously has to be more to this life than what we have created for ourselves. but even the things that we do discover to help adhere our thoughts with our actions makes it better and worse. it’s easier for things to be planned when we have an idea of where we are going, and problems that may arise. but questioning why these things happen to be better leads to this line of questioning that spirals down to logic traps and contradictions that need other questioned answered to function properly.

and the cycle goes on, where all the active thought in the world might or might not bring you the answers you seek depending on how you set the definitions.

2 posts in 1 day OMG!

I walk along the corridor of vehicles from the mailbox to my aparment, noticing how strange it looks. Everyone’s vehicle parked here is their vessel, their means of voyaging through our society. Almost daily, they are used to transport to work, grocery stores, theaters, strip malls, casinos, hospitals, anything our society offers. These vessels are independant of us, yet part of us, allowing for easy transport to afford us all our needs. They come home at night and lay dormant, waiting to be attended to again at their appointed time.

It just felt very organic to me, us imitating nature no matter how unconciously.

there was this moment where i was in bellingham eating breakfast at diamond jim’s and chicago’s “saturday in the park” was played. it was odd. i felt sudden elation and happiness to be able to enjoy all the things that were around me. people that care about me, delicious food, music, warmth, clothes, frame of mind, everything. it was everything. everything around me resonated with being wonderful and it seemed so small to direct my love at only a few things when the multitude of things surrounding me deserve just as much. everything deserves it equally, because everything was reciprocating, at least that’s how it felt.

it was so temporary though, only lasted a few hours, i came back to earth feeling happy still, but without the wonder. it still somewhat resonates though. i look around, experience this life for fleeting seconds at a time, then get back to reality, because it demands my prescense. it demands my time, but i feel like i need to catch up with it.

it needs to slow down.

so i was listening to democracy now yesterday and was getting kinda mad as sometimes happens when i do listen to it. no, not because of all the social inequities that they expose, but because of theiir bias. more specifically, amy goodman’s bias. she basically uses her guests as a megaphone for her views and her questions always reflect as such. all of the “debates” on the show are all very one sided, and i normally feel sorry for the people on the opposite side of the issue.

but i figured that since i feel this is such a leftist blowhard bias, i figure i need to get a podcast of a right wing blowhard to kind of even things out. i figure it couldn’t be any worse than democracy now, and it might give me more perspective.

so i looked into listening to the O’Rielly factor, or Rush, and found one huge difference between the right and the left.

those on the right charge money for their podcasts.

needless to say, i’m not going to pay for it, but i think there’s an underlying message to this.

i’ll get back to you when i figure it out.

hip hop is awesome. i went to see the people under the stairs last night at chop suey, and it was everything i wanted it to be. the place did try and cram 4 acts into 4 hours though and with all the set up and take down, it wasn’t really enough time. it was a blast though, i really like those guys alot. they got the funk, and are not afraid to use it.

and then there’s another one tomrrow with rjd2 and blueprint, which i’m sure will be exceptional as well. haven’t listened to rjd2’s new album yet, but i suppose i can get around to that anytime.

tis the season to ride. i’ve been riding back and forth from seattle almost once a week, going 10 miles a day, hill training, and generally breaking in my bike. i already had to bust out the hammer for some bending, but you get used to these kind of things. when it’s dry, and you over inflate your tires a little you can lean into corners going 25 and lean hard enough to get your knee on the inside of the corner pretty close to the ground. like those motocross superstars that race for days and get their legs close enough to the ground on every corner to warrant full body armor. those guys are hardcore. if i crashed, i’d probably bleed to death.

but it sure is fun to go fast.

so beautiful out…want to leave work…but…can’t…

no biggie, i’ll get out of here. i think the summer season has pretty much started though, so it’ll be nice 60% of the time instead of the usual 30%. and life will be good, much as i anticipate it will.

myspace….strangeness. even though i have a page, i don’t really check it that much and spent about 20 minutes writing blurbs about my interests, but the online universe out there because of it is amazing. it’s like all that BBS shit i used to do back in the day, but makes it easy enough for anyone, and is much more pervasive.

people have been finding me that i haven’t seen or heard of in almost a decade. people i knew before i went to college, people i used to know before i left woodinville. it’s absolutely insane (to me) that these people activley find me and probably end up reading this stupid blog. chronicles of my life for the past…jeez, i have to check…2001, almost 5 years. wow, it’s wierd to think i started blogging about a week before 9/11. it was a lifetime ago if i went back and actually read all this crap. which i do sometimes. i wrote this blog a couple of years ago stating that the opinons i held back then would be funny to me someday, and yep, pretty much called that one. although that wasn’t too tough.

9/11 doesn’t seem that long ago though, with it’s effects still reverberating everyday. and even though everything that happens because of it (or maybe the previous couple of centuries) seems like it’s going to be the end of the world, it pretty much pewters out. having built up how bad things are makes it sadly dissappointing when they don’t live up to the expectations. imagine that.

there’s this underlying idea, something that connects all of this crap in our universe, and it’s right there, i can feel it almost. everything that happens to me seems to be a reflection of everything i see in the world, or others, skewed a little another way. very similar, but somewhat different. but so similar. something that everyone’s trying to put into words. i just need to see it in the right context, and i feel like it’s coming soon. like when i find out definitively that the joke has been on us all these years, like i feel it is.

i don’t know though, i may just be feeling too introspective and hippieish, and all this communing with nature by being outside and trying to learn to meditate is just messing with my head. not that i mind. my mind definatly needs some messing with, because it doesn’t feel like it’s happening often enough. it’s way too comfortable and happy and needs to be jarred from its comfortable nest with the uprising of major tradgedy. i’ll cope with it either way.

i gotta believe!

yo.

been awhile blog man, hope you’re keeping it real.

i know i have at least been trying, still hacking stuff up from the bottom of my lungs, but at least have a nice, new, shiny bike that transport me to various points on this globe in times that are more than acceptable (at least the paved parts).

i clandestinly slip through the wobbly, upright vehicles that wonder why they can’t be as efficient at expending energy as i am, and i smile.

well, we’ll always have paris.

and cheese.

*sigh*

what a week last week, i’m glad it’s over, well the week anyways, i think it’s repercussions will be felt for awhile. my bike being stolen is pretty much put in perspective by my brothers problems. which i won’t get into, but far supercede my trivialities.

i had hope of maybe getting my bike back, but that was friday night and i think it’s pretty much gone. it’s my fault for leaving it outside my apartment for a couple of hours, which makes it even worse. i don’t think there’s a road bike stealing operation going on around my neighborhood and that’s the part that makes me mad. it was done by some stupid kids that were probably drunk and are going to sell the bike off to an asshat friend for a couple of hundred bucks so they can buy a new fin for their civic.

i’d only had the bike for 3 months but i figure i put at least 50 miles a week onto it, and i’d grown very attatched to it because it was such an experience to ride. plus it was my first real road bike, and it made me appreciate how much i had missed out on by not riding them sooner, and how much more potential i had as a rider because of them. and now it’s probably going to sit in some garage, unused and rusting, when i probably could have ridden that thing for at least another decade. it hurts to think about it.

so now i’ll buy another one and it’ll be fine (even though it is going to be a bit of a scrape to afford another) , and probably better than the one i had, but the emotional toll of actually having my bike stolen right out from underneath me is something that will probably stick with me the rest of my life. i love riding so much and my bikes are special to me, so out of everything that could be stolen from me, this is pretty much the worst (as far as inanimate objects go). it’s infuriating, and it is only an object, but i just feel violated. i also feel like an idiot for forgetting about something so important to me and leaving it unattended.

so i guess there’s always life lessons to learn.