Category Archives: Uncategorized

spring is springing again with tempatures consistantly going above 50 degrees and instead of the rain starting and stopping, it’s accented by breaks of sun as well. it’s glorious.

it’s getting busy at work here again so i have some downtime to dink around while waiting for things to finish up. back to staying at work again, but i suppose it was bound to happen. i had a birthday a couple of weeks ago, and now i’m 25. a freakin’ quater century old and it’s kind of wierd. life seems to have hit this experience barrier, where even though i know there are an unlimited amount of things i still need to do or want to do in the span of my life, there’s also all these responsibilities that keep you reigned in. you can get around to doing whatever you want, but i guess you have to prioritize and plan, and my feeble brain has enough trouble prioritizing my daily life let alone planning for the future.

i did look into brewing though and have started a little email correspondance with the people down at davis about their master brewers program, and i should be able to get a kit to finally begin some first hand experience (although it’s a lot like working in a lab). so i have this planning going on. it’s strange because i normally distract myself from doing the things that matter (i.e. my taxes) by putting it off until it has to be done. maybe i am growing in my old age, but just can’t see the forest for the trees. i’ve never been good at that, either.

but i keep hearing from people that i’m still young, that i can pretty much do whatever i want, but here i am at 25 and my parents had me when they were this age. most of my friends my age, their parents had them at an even younger age. so i guess what all these older people are telling me (in code form) is that you can do whatever you want, until you have kids. so i guess by the time i accomplish everything in my life that i want to do, and am willing to dedicate everyscrap of my time to my offspring, i’ll be about 68. which will be young after the nanotechnological revolution, so i figure i’m sitting pretty.

growing used to be such a semi-directed thing though, and now i realize that was a sham. you’re a kid and you think about things in such concrete terms. if you get a bike you’ll be able to hang out with your friends more as they go places. just one more month of school and then i get 3 months off. once i can drive, things will be so much better. and on and on. these things were benchmarks back then, but now there doesn’t seem to be those road signs anymore to guide you. once you realize that everything you aquire or do in life often makes it more complicated, it’s hard not to take a jaded attitude to things that are new. then you just look to distract with the things that are comfortable. and seeing that it’s about all we have to exist on, it seems pretty inane.

i think it’s too easy to be jaded though, and the real challenege is being able to look at all this inanity and see what you can do with it. kind of like a little social experiment you consistantly have going on in your head. it’s not that i’m looking to rock the boat, because it’s not really in my personalitiy, but my intelligenece has to be pushed onto something, or you get stuck with anxiety. and i’m not the biggest fan of anxiety. most of the time it’s all subconcious anyways. there’s no plan no greater purpose, just the idea that life is an exceptionally long time and i might as well be amused, whether it’s at someone else’s expense or my own, they’re both pretty similar. the only baseline for deciding what is inane is based on me, so it’s pretty trivial anyways. life can be cool like that, sometimes.

i really mostly wonder what kind of things can happen in another 25 years to change my opinions currently held or how they’ll evolve after being subject to new information. i like where i am as a person now, but that doesn’t mean i want to be like this forever. i do want to have room to grow and expand for the rest of my life. i think that’s about all i can do to cope with life. allowing that extra bit of wiggle room in your beliefs and convictions allows you to grow and expand. like i have a choice. you’re either willing to grow or not, depending on the strength of the stimulus, and if that’s strong enough, anything’s possible.

captain obvious to the rescue, i suppose.

beautiful, beautiful day. i keep hearing all this talk about rain but each day is more glorious than the last. and taking my bike out is becoming fun again.

all my problems these days are so petty. job problems, self problems, they’re all so superficial. is this what it’s like to have as much success as you want? i make more than enough money to support myself, and have a girlfriend (who helps as well, thank goodness). i have internet which basically fulfills all my media needs and visit to half price books every couple of months to load up on reading material. i am healthy and able to go out on bike rides, runs, swims, climbing, almost anything i want to do, i can swing it. i have friends to interact with, good beer to drink, and a nice place to live. there’s nothing to want for, so problems just have to be created somehow. and having no bearing on problems outside of my bubble just makes it seem even more selfesh.

the problems i create for myself aren’t really problems so much as they are distractions. like we need to renew our lease, but our rent is being pushed up. an extra 50 bucks, which will end up being 25 for me since i split it with heather. 50 bucks that basically goes towards beer, eating out, and video games, all very non-essential. 50 bucks a month versus all the hassle that goes along with moving out.

Pay 50 bucks a month, or find a place, pack it up, clean it up, and unpack somewhere new. what kind of stupid choice is this? either side of the problem stems from my middle class earnings, my middle class expectations, my middle class life. alot of people on earth would kill to have problems like this, and not have to worry so much about eating or getting killed.

i (and most 1st world country residents, i suppose) live in this strange microcosom where everyone plays by the rules, no one gets hurt. this set of rules has been beaten into us so much that shows like seinfeld make too much sense. if there’s no strife in our lives what do we do? we create it through silly social interactions so there’s alot less to lose, but problems to deal with. something to keep you distracted while you deal with being concious for 14-18 hours a day. creating limited order through a socially applicable job, while really just donating (in large quantities) to the chaos like the rest of the universe.

here i sit, infront of a corporatly sponsered laptop in a laboratory where i contribute to this machine of making customized genes. i don’t have much control, but i play a role, and get rewarded for it. so what’s the big deal? as far as i’m concerned, i got it all (except for health benefits) and really everything is good. i just have alot of people to answer to, and it makes for busy days, thank goodness.

but again, so what? i feel i have to keep track of things i want to do with things that are accomodating to everyone else. it’s not that big of a deal because i’m sure that alot of accomodation is coming from the other direction as well. but when did everyone start to feel this need to keep track of everything, all the time? why is it necessary to be able to get ahold of me at anytime, anywhere? i like being able to drop off the radar and just dissapear, it’s part of who i am. but i also like social interaction, and that is a part of who i am. my brother has it down pat, pretty much never answering his phone or being in any predictable place or time. i’m jealous becuase i can’t get away with it. i can’t because i feel bad if i don’t respond to people who reach out to me, or something stupid like that.

i guess i just want my cake, and to eat it as well, and really, i think that’s at the core of alot of problems.

reading over that last one…..i don’t know where my subconcious is coming from sometimes. it makes somewhat coherent ramblings at time, but it’s more cathartic than anything to just let it go for a bit. it just has to be done like letting some steam blow off of a release valve. if it doesn’t happen often enough, i can’t maintain balance.

good thing blogger is here for all my ramblin’ needs.

Feelin’ like a postin’, but don’t know what to post,
Nothing really going on, my brain feels like a roast
Time to write some nonsense, with nothing worth a quote
Sit back and feel the ramble of subconcious right to vote

just pluck a sentance from the shelf and listen to my(selfesh) self.

Tibetan monkey glider, myth or mere fact?

The place to discover such things is to look beyond your scope and
wonder what lies beyond things that may not even exist despite the
fact that you encourage it everyday by watering and nurturing it
though you don’t really know what it needs to subsist and yet you
continue unable to stop because doing something is better than doing
nothing and in the face of real scrutiny the wandering tow truck of
salvation brings upon it the barge of blessing where the small watch
gears all clink together in perfect synchronicity before realizing
that they have been modeled after the very jewels that makes their
gears so exact and when they fail, they fail with the utmost respect
of everything that made them succeed in the first place when wizards
with beards that drag for miles walk the earth they drag things that
shouldn’t normally be drug through beards like pistachios and flak
from planes that were shot down years ago, and they wonder why they
have these beards if they’re only meant to drag small things when they
really should be dragging boulders of the age of the earth, off the
abyss never to return to this mortal world of fun and flashtastic
cranberries that will shrivel up and become juice for something that
is much more fantastic say the fairy that lives in your closet and
wonders where you went to during the day because it likes to sit in
your room with you and play tricks, tricks of the devious sort that
would get you arrested in guam where the sun shines, and the people
lounge and the people who feel that they lounge and people who don’t
lounge because they think of it as something that is unmerited un
worthy of their being and when they reach the end of their rope they
know there’s another one to swing to so that there is no end, just
different tracks to the place that you may want to end up at, but have
no control because they ropes aren’t chosen by you, you just choose to
grasp them in your filthy paws where they grasp as tightly as they can
without damaging the world where they tighten the grip only to realize
there is no grip, there is no world, there is no spoon, it is just
there and you are left to deal with the things you have created for
yourself in the darkness of falling holes where the gravity
surrounding them neither goes up or down but just goes along with the
flow of the water that furiously grafts past the wall of the damned
where you sometimes reside if you feel like by gravity won’t let you
because it is greedy and wants to keep the rocks for itself and the
police are there and they have no way of really controlling the
gravity so they shrug their bitter shoulders and keep going while the
gravity that you feel is the gravity that they feel and it is no
different from the gravity down the street but you are forced to do
something with it and get it out shovel it get rid of it anything that
you can do to offload the weight that is residing inside of you and
you have no way of becoming that which is truly sublime you have no
way of finding your way back or forward and you are left clutching at
what is still remaining no matter how obscure it may be while you
careen out of control on a crash course with destiny that isn’t
dictated by anyone, just you left floundering in the depths of nothing
where something is because it is you and if you can escape it won’t
really be worth it anyways because it wasn’t worth it to get there in
the first place where waters flow down the trickling flows of earth
shaped my million of years here on this existing planet full of the
wondrous few, yet plentiful many of crap that comes out in a way that
is uncontrollable and I just need to run from myself because it’s the
only person to run from, in the nothing where my soul lies in a ball
in the corner next to the slice of cherry pie, waiting to be devoured
of accords outside of my own where I sleep and wonder and life and
come to the existence that I know and claw and scrape for freedom I
can’t even fathom among millions of others in the same darkness
neither reaching or accepting me in a place where I dictate the rules
and others can eat me, and I will become the one that I so long to be,
the one that I see sometimes, never know who he is or what he does,
what will become of that person is entirely up to me and the things
that he will do in the future will become the rest of my life spent in
this darkness where I thrive and live and keep my rocks in order and
everyone else’s rocks in order for the day when I come forth and bring
the glory of the life that is to be the life that everyone should live
among the trees berries, roots grass and bushes and keeps their
affairs in order on the basis that they come in on at the ferry
station where the coin you have is no good and you are left to swim
against the current where everything that your body has ever known
will turn against you and you are left with nothing, which is what you
started with but had no idea of how to keep and you reach up up up up
up and you feel that it is futile but you must reach, help become the
one that you want despite the lack of voracity you keep going,
reaching coming upon the land where people will be with you, one with
you and they will understand what they have to give each other and
they will float beyond the stratosphere where everything is beautiful
and nothing hurts.

my head hurts, i’ll read that later

So i was riding my bike to work today and it’s all windy and a little rainy, but no different then it’s been for the past two months. the wind seems to be coming from everywhere though, so no matter which direction i’m riding, it feels like i’m riding into it. and then as i was pulling out of my apartment complex a pinecone flew out of a tree and smacked my helmet, almost causing me to fall off my bike, more due to how loud and shocking it was as opposed to brute force. i got to the trail i cut through to get to work and there were 3 alder trees lying in the path, and bypassing them with my bike would have been difficult, so i lifted them out of the way. the largest one i lifted apparently didn’t like it too much, so when i was about to push it out of the way it snapped and the top came down on my shoulder, causing a massive outpouring of shouted expletives while jumping up and down on the remains of the tree. then while fording the stream that used to be a trail, a duck flies out of the bush that i apparently startled and brushed my face with it’s wing causing me to lose my momentum and straddle my bike in a mad hopping dance in the middle of this stream/trail while i tried to get back on my bike. this of course just got my socks wetter.

all this is the 1.1 mile ride it takes to get me to work, but mother nature can’t phase me, i’ll just keep right on riding in the face of adversity. mother nature can really be a bitch when she wants to. always has the last laugh, too.

i really like saturdays now that my work schedule has changed. saturdays i now work by myself so i can pretty much come in whenever i want, get everything done that needs to be, then head home. it’s pretty slow these days as well. so i’ve been playing basketball sometimes. it’s a pretty sweet set up in the warehouse, Huffy Sports Titanium , and it’s fun to pick something up again i haven’t played in awhile. my shot sucks, but it gives me a chance to retrain myself to do it right.

theraputic.

always looking for something to distract. movies, books, video games, music, anything. everything i do is somehow theraputic, something to distract you from the crushing boredom that is everyday, caught in this wierd cycle of work and reward that speeds up entrophy in a very strange manner.

it’s odd to think about sometimes, amusing mostly, but it’s always there, nagging you occasionally, like: “Why are you doing this?” and you can ask why so many times that it just keeps going down to deep running elements and eventually you hit the bottom where asking why isn’t a question anymore, but a statement. there’s so much around though, so much to worry about that the big picture is always out there, but not so important.

would you even want to know the why though? it would take all the mystery out of life, and that would be no fun.

i was looking through my gmail, and something new popped up that i hadn’t seen before, actual mail in the spam folder.

crap. after all the trying to keep my gmail account seperate so i don’t have to go through 40 emails a day of spam (like say, hotmail) it still ends up getting spam. it was bound to happen i suppose. just out of curiosity i went to read it though and this is what it said:

happened music corner. taught explain wrong companion. here fascinate out or supposedto yours,
companion purpose fly?
studied nothing news black.
light she disappoint end. light slow thats?
tying did thats am leader. immediate speaking use. prison immediate speaking.

wow. that’s some profound shit right there. if i could write poetry like that , i’d probably be on poetry.com or something. seriously, i hate poetry, but this is genius and if that isn’t poetry, i don’t know what is.

this email wasn’t even trying to sell anything, just seeing if anyone would click on their attatchment. i really think this email makes me happy because of the fact that spam i get is better than all of the published poetry i’ve come across.

certainly in terms of reaction.

the amount of rain we have been recieving over the past month is nothing short of amazing. after how dry it was last year, i guess there was some catching up to do.

this path i take to work is like a little shortcut through a flood plain that has a creek running through it. when i was going to work today, it wasn’t raining, but when i made it over to the trail, it had been incorporated to the creek that runs by it. it’s pretty wild to see that the trail looks just like the creek because of all the sand that has been deposited on it. i felt like i was white water rafting down the creek on my bike, slicing through the rapids and vainly trying to pedal as the water rises way above my cranking level, soaking my feet as i went. i was also competeing with ducks for the shallower reigions, but not surprisingly, they made way for me.

while fun, it is destroying my bike, and if it did dry up i’d be able to really get a move on with this new road bike i got. definatly need to coat my bike with WD-40 on a daily basis. at least it’s not that cold out.

anyone been paying attention to the news? well i have, and I tell you what…

it’s nothing, really. i’m still waiting for my being aware of global events to somehow include me in the global thater, but it has still eluded me. some perspective of the world and it’s conflicts, but nothing that rocks my point of view on life. i’m not saying that news is unimportant, just that it feels like another way to spend time, like a hobby. It takes a little time to be well informed about issues, and that time could be put towards anything. i think it helps me to listen to this kind of stuff becuase it’s something interesting to do at work. it’s real live entertainment through discussions between people that are at polar opposites of an issue, and they hardly ever agree. both are right, and yet they can’t be, right? one is just more right, depending on where you hear it from. it all just smacks of excessive acadameia so i feel like i can listen in without actually being involved. much like TV, and most of my life.

i’m a casual observer; highly educated, severly underinformed and detatched. dangerous to say the least.

new year, finally back from my week long trip to new york, which was crazy. little sleep was had and a rediculous amount of food and walking. awesomeness, but i’m glad to be home in a bed and getting more than 4 hours of sleep a night.

i think i need to chronicle what happened, but that probably won’t happen till later. work and what not.