so you’re a kid, and you wanna go wheeee, but you ain’t got drugs yet.
you hold on to your life….hold on to your little….gonads and strife.

so yeah, no matter what anyone may tell you, all you have is your gonads and strife.

GONADS IN THE LIGHTNING!

so here i am thinking i should write since it’s been a couple weeks and writing helps unclog my brain most of the time. i guess there isn’t much backed up though as i can’t think of anything, really. i’ve just been feeling a little run down tonight, possibly afater pounding energy drinks and climbing for two and a half hours, then pounding 3 chicken sandwiches and a large fry from Jack-in-the-Box, my only meal of the day including the ranch burger i had eaten earlier in the day. man, i’m glad i’m young, but i think even at the young age of 24 my habits are starting to catch up with me.

here i stand on the cusp of 25, too young to be old, too old to be young. right smack dab in the middle of trying to find a social group to be a part of, to share similar life experiences with. so i find myself trying to learn as much as i can passively. i’m hooked on NPR podcasts, and Democracy Now!. but only because i can get paid at work to listen to them. i like to learn, but i like incentive as well.

so i have this strange sense of pseudo social awareness right now. it’s a race to be the most well informed in the world of current events and i’m woefully behind. i feel like i listen to this stuff differently though, not really paying attention to figures or names, but more the social message behind a story which more often than not is pretty simple. i just have this fascination of learning things i’ve never heard about before to add to my catalogue of the inane. so many factoids and events to keep track of it seems like an impossible task to apply it all. but i think that’s part of the fun of current events. hearing different facts from different sources, making your own opinion and then defending it.

it feels like learning about current events is supposed to make you a better citizen in this world, but i still feel the same. i’m still just ignorant ol’ ryan, with just more knowledge of what’s going on, but not really. i can understand why there’s so much outrage what with secret prisons and denied clemency for reformed gang founders, and yet i don’t feel any of the outrage. it’s hard for me to just go around haphazardly emphasizing ith every atrocity in this world, and i certainly don’t want to pretend. i listen to debates or read forums on various issues and it just boils down to a high school debate. everyone’s more interested in what terms actually mean and distinct definitions and concrete logic and facts. instead of talking about the implications of all these secret prisons, i mostly hear about what the actual definition of torture is, or what it should be. people are just looking to be right, not empathetic. and with being right comes rightousness…

but on the other hand how else are you supposed to debate them? without facts and terms there is no debate, just arguing and conjecture. so catch-22. yet another system that is inherently flawed, so go ahead and just throw it on the pile of God’s “To Do” Box. time isn’t really a big deal with Him, and it will be handled in the order recieved. so i’m left yet again to take my life at face value, suck it up, and be true to myself, and at least that doesn’t seem to change.

but then, what was i looking for?

hidey ho, fellow!

how treats you this fine day?

fabulous.

really?

no way! i was totally thinking about doing something like that as well.

i was having this conversation with someone, at some point during the day, real or imagined i cannot discern. as i reach in my pocket for the delicious 3 musketeer that will soon be devoured i am struck by the odd thought that if i had no 3 musketeer in my pocket, would i still be reaching in there? NO! there would be no reason if there was nothing in my pocket especially a pocket with a huge lack of 3 muskateerage.

when i look out the window, i expect a winter wonderland. much like when i was at school and wanted it to snow so i wouldn’t have to go. but there’s nothing to be cancelled anymore. work can’t really be canceled on the account of snow, because if you don’t show up, then you don’t get paid. of course, unless you’re salaried, in which case you will be. but more than likely the snow is just going to create a hazardous drive to work surrounded by people haphazardly steering their own private hazards around.

black is a nice color on the eyes. whereas white is blinding and takes time to adjust to, black doesn’t take any adjustment. unless it’s glossy or chromey or something, then light gets reflected in your eyes. all your little cones and rods are firing in crazy manners when exposed to light, to create these stunning reproductions of things around you. TV’s still can’t match my rods and cones, but maybe someday they will, and then reality will really be in trouble.

the frequency during the day where you stand versus sitting is an interesting subject. you can’t stand all day, but alot of people sit all day. i guess people stand all day, i used to do stuff like that, working in retail. if you sit all day you feel like a blob though so a balance must be struck. if your body doesn’t get used kinetically, it will just store up some potential energy to be realesed later, and while it’s building up, you may feel the slightest bit of discomfort or anxiety as all the potential energy screams for release.

i think there’s this dam in my head that has been storing up potential energy all my life, but there’s no way to use a valve and let the dam trickle. it has to stay sealed behind the dam, or it has to break through, all at once. you either have to supress it or succumb to it. i don’t even know how i would go about succumbing to it. even if i did it would probably alter things so much as to have no frame of reference anyways.

but i guess sometimes there are cracks in the dam and a little bit seeps through before the subconcious runs to the rescue with some cement to patch it up. but it hits you and you wonder about the things around you, this feeling that everything doesn’t make sense, and pretty much can’t. everything around you seems so improbable, and yet there it is, something you can taste, feel, smell, and see. something so simple as this environment around you is incredibly not simple and the fact that you can even comprehend everything that is involved with it is stunning within itself.

here i sit, this guy named ryan, surrounded by a big improbable world loaded with billions of other improbabilities that somehow coalesce into this mish mash of tangible and intangible with me somehow fitting into this homoginized tub.

there’s no space or time to fit, only to be.

this blog deserves this, i need to figure out how to get it on permanently.

335th blog! here’s to another 335 more.

winter is in full swing with threats of snow making seattle drivers quiver in their boots. hell, the rain’s enough to double the waiting time of standard traffic. you’d think we’d all discover the magic of rain-x, it probably should be handed out anytime you go to the DOL or do something with your car registration. with detailed instructions, it shows how to properly apply this rain retardant. then you can drive without windshield wipers for a couple of days, through the magic of chemisty and non-polar bonds.

it’s cold, and it’s sapping my strength. physical exertion is very hard to accomplish when you’d rather be sitting inside in your robe with a nice fleece blanket wrapped around you, to avoid turning on the heat and wasting precious money for alcohol that can keep you superficially warm. i.e. Brown Shugga.

things are a little slow right now cause we’re out of the organic solvent, acetonitrile. it’s kinda funny to think that our DNA production is halted because we’re out of something. it’s like a automobile plant being out of steel, or out of money after rediculously overpaying employees and winding up with no money due to shoddy products. totally unrelated though.

the only reason to go to applebee’s ever is for happy hour. from 3 to 6, or after 9 half price appitizers may be had. eating a plate of chicken quesadillas and 10 wings is only made better by the fact that you are getting them at half price.

man, i’d rather it was busy here than blog about the mundane so hard.

let’s face it.

this is going to be inconsequential. the things that i write are an expression of the persona that i don’t get to use all the time. so i use this little digital device to throw out something that i have been thinking (or brooding) about and vent a little most of the time. my blog persona is much more fractured than my regular self, at least i’d like to think so. with all the craziness going around, i can’t say i’ve been denied my fair share.

out of all the things that i used to do on my computer, blogging is one of the few that remains. i used to instant message all the time. i used to be semi-social, and i still am, but it’s different now. part of me wants to be the fun guy and the other half wants to be isolated. other people end up influencing me and isolation loses out most of the time. but that’s changing as people become busier with responsiblities and the crap you have to deal with in the modern world, trying to make your way. i don’t get pushed so i don’t push back.

and that’s the way it goes. no big deal, you don’t even notice it happen, you adapt to the lifestyle in the best way you know how and kepp on truckin’.

everyday that passes by is thrown on the pile of me and all those little amounts start adding up, little by little until there’s a freaking huge pile and a person somewhere in the middle of it all. i don’t think my pile is that big right now, but it’s bigger than it was 10 years ago. and then you think of that pile and you wonder what this pile has to show for it. to show that it is here and exsists, that it has value. and it doesn’t really matter, in the end. it has value to you, it was created by you, and it is you. so you reap what you sow, and all that jazz. then where to?

i was thinking of why i don’t question anything anymore, and i think it just boils down to the person i am. given the set of environmental varibles i had, i did the best i could, and i think it turned out pretty well. having very few deficiencies in my life also helped. but it’s just not in my nature to think about things so much. i’d rather be told what to do rather than think it out most of the time. i’d rather read a story than make up my own. i’d probably have been an excellent military man.

thinking is such a luxury to have and i’d like to think that i use it to it’s fullest, but most times, its probably something i’ve handled before or is pretty similar so i just apply what i have learned before, and get by. all i have to do is subsist in this society that humans created, and seeing that i’m white, male, living in america, fairly intelligent, with a middle class family to back me up, it’s not that difficult to stake a claim and subsist. i have goals and will use what fate has given me, but there’s no hurry. life is fairly long and if i achieved everything i ever wanted, i’d just find something else to direct my attention at.

i don’t really question things because everything seems to have its place. even if you can’t understand it, it’s playing a role somehow. everything that happens on a daily basis happens for no reason other than the fact that it can, and i think i came to terms with that. instead of fighting the current to stay put, you just go with it, using what you know to maneuver through the eddies.

and where the current actually leads, i’ll worry about that when i get there.

i really feel like writing, but i don’t know i fi have the time to cover things that i want to. i know i won’t be able to write tonight, and yet i only have like 3 minutes before all the machines here start dinging which is their code for “refill me!”. i have to say that this job has been treating me well. i get alot of time to space out because everyone is so busy that focusing on anything but the task at hand is too much. start to wander too much and you’ll make a mistake that won’t be noticed for a couple of weeks.

but i know it probably won’t last. i need to start building a nest egg because anything could happen. some company could withdraw their order and suddenly, we’re out of money, and the expendibles are the first to go. it’s not that i feel expendible here, but i know that if things slow down, i won’t be needed. so i’ll go off to help some other corporation that’s in its “booming phase” where they need labor to reach financial goals. just keep bouncing around until i can do the thinking parts of the job, where i won’t be as expendible anymore. i figure i’ll be brewing before it becomes an issue though.

it’s been raining for the past 2 weeks here, and it’s glorious. fall is in full swing and everyday i ride to work, i need to dress up like i’m going snowboarding to keep dry. it’s nice to be out in the rain again though, and the cold weather, and the early dark. the seasons around here go like clockwork and even though one blends into the next almost imperceptibly, one day you notice, and it’s kind of nice. it’ll get old in a couple of months, and then it’ll change again. i don’t know if i’ll be able to move out of the northwest, i’ve spent a lifetime acclimating to and loving the climate here.

i just finished loading all the machines, so now i get to go out and go for a jaunty little ride in the rain. i always look forward to riding my bike though.

what’s going on in the world today? it feels like there’s a new disaster every other day, we’ve moved from hurricanes to earthquakes. although there was that hurricane in the north atlantic, heading towards england that managed to baffle the scientific community. baffling the scientific community isn’t always as tough as it seems, but it’s more fun to say “baffling the scientific community”.

so with all these disasters, it really seems like somethings’s going to happen around here. it’s about time for that 9.0 earthquake to hit seattle, or for Mt. Rainier to blow up or something catastrophic. Maybe hanford could be found to have been leaking much more waste than previously thought for tha past 25 years. maybe a tidal wave could hit seattle, if it’s possible. these things seem improbable, but it’s probably going to happen soon, and more likely than not, we won’t be prepared for it. and the person who has the most water will be rich, richer than astronauts.

i haven’t been thinking much, and i wonder if it all that it’s really cracked up to be. i don’t really have time, nor really care enough to do deep thinking where i question my ideals and maybe why i did something the way that i did. but i don’t. i never even came up with any satisfactory answers to all the questions that were directed at myself. it wasn’t even the looming fact of no answers hanging over the horizon that discouraged me. you just get busy, or sick of walking in the same circle where everything leads back to the beginning, and nothing seems much different from when you remember starting. it all gets to be no big deal, especially when you want for nothing.

i feel mentally stagnant, but instead of it being the worst thing possible i probably would have thought it was a couple years ago, i came to terms with it. i can still think when i need to, but face it, how often do you really have to think to make it through the day? but if i’m mentally stagnat, why aren’t i suffering from an acute case of ennui? shouldn’t i be bored out of my skull with my prospects in life not being much better now than they will be in 200 years ? i’m wagering we’ll have the human genome unlocked before i can die of old age, so 200 years might be too little.

how does it go from questioning everything you do on a regular basis to questioning why you don’t ask questions anymore?

man, i’ll need to think about that one for a bit.

la la la la la la laaaaaaaa

stupid blog, nothing to say, just glad that its thursday and i won’t have to work for the next two days and it’s going to be rainy and i’m going to be able to do whatever i want tomorrow!

and beer! sweet delicious beer…it’s getting to be that time of year where the dark brews come out and frolic all the way to the grocery store where i purchase them and persuade them down into my belly for a rich time of laughter. and laugh they do indeed.

there’s some happy dance going on inside my brain right now, and it is just looking for release. i’ll just ride the wave while i can, and get to work, which makes me happy as well.

i’m lucky to have such a great job while living in a pain-free, safe area area of the world, with regular food and water and a bike and car to carry me places i need to go with plentiful entertainment at every turn and countless things i can do with all the free time that i earn through my part of doing work with some of my time, and have all of my senses to appreciate everything around me and the mental capacity to fathom it at least partially.

now that’s what i’m talkin’ about.

icognito blog

i sit here and type a blog that is unawqare to the others in my house, and there is more than a couple. i admit that i am drunk. i admit pthat i my not be in the best position to be describing the events that are occuring here. and yet it does not matter because people are drunk and i may or may not be able to say something more interesting. in turn i belive that it couldn’t hold a candle. i try, but end up mispelling, it doesn’t matter. this is live, unadulterated (sp?) happenings.

boo ya, it doesn’t matter, i’m listening to PUTS (people under the stairs) and if i can listen to this shit while having a very responsive aduience, i say i win. this is some amazing music, but if it can fill the role of backround without actually making an impression, i have found the perfect party music.

screw em’ anyways, it’s all good, i’m just listenign to what i want to while making as few errors as i can. i may have made a few but the majority (sp?) is my bad and out of my control.

boo ya, i just love tha fact that i am out of control and yet still able to make good music choices. because they are mine, and i respect my choices over others. becuse they are mine, and i just want to listen to music i want to. as long as other people don’t listen to your music and they don’t really complain about it, you can just listen to whatever you want because drunk people don’t care what they’re listenign to.

i just got asked “what are we listening to?” where i answered “people under the stairs”

no one cared., as well as i would expect them to. it was this music that is very soul inspired hip hop; music that i love to death, and yet would only be appreciated by anyone who feels involved with hip hop music and wants to look beyond the ying yang twins. *whisper* i’m a rappin mangler, i rap things that people can’t hear because my lyrics are crap.

so it might have not been the same, and of course, there’s no beat to it, but it’s because of things outside of my control. they can play their games. i don’t have to be a part, and i probably don’t want to. i get called on it “why aren’t you taken part of our reindeer games?” lack of choice? over abundance of choice? could be either and i’m not sure if it is either.
does it matter? maybe, maybe noit, it’s all the same. it’s all a matter of perspective, and the people looking in on the situation…so differnt…so conotrolled…so something to care about….

i am so stupid.

that’s what it sums up to.

please don’t take me seriously, i am an idiot, and the things i say are all biased and one-sided. becuase it couldn’t be any other way. because i am an idiot, beyond all deniable doubt. i’m too drunk to know any better and i need a drunk spell-checker to get my shit in order. and that’s pathetic and sad.

please believe.

what an eventful couple of weeks. i’ve really been working alot at my new job, starting with 7 to 4 shifts, but am now receding into the 1 to 10 shift, so i’ll be working nights now. it looks to be more peaceful than the day shift anyways. this place always seems to be at full tilt, with orders backed up for the next 5 months. job security, i would call it.

allright got events down on this blog, get some ideas on the next.