Category Archives: Uncategorized

Binge

For one reason or another, I have been coming here infrequently. Not enough drive. Now I’m coming here about everyother day, even though I don’t really have anything to say. I just feel like saying something, anything. Writing helps categorize my thoughts, even if I haven’t been thinking about much. But if i didn’t come here, i would just observe, observe, observe, and never get anything out of it, because if i don’t reflect on it, then i am just doing it to entertain myself.

which makes sense, i love entertaining myself. I try not to do it at other’s expense, but i can hardly tell the difference anymore. Superiority lingers just below it all, as ridiculous as it always is. Get superior over your self, act bigger than you are. Act less superior in attempts to bridge chasms, while thinking otherwise.

Act one way, think another. Or just not think, your brain can go where it wants, but you don’t have to pay attention. It’s more fun to pay attention to your gut feeling, as uniformed as it may be. I read Blink though, so now I can see how much is informed by all those gut decisions, snap-decisions, and the unconcious.

Also water intake. Being dehydrated is no way to leave your body, and yet i do it everyday with beer and coffee. Oh, such an idiot.

Just came back from the water fountain. I binged hard on that shit in an attempt to rehydrate. I’ll end up urinating most of it out, but it’s the thought that counts, most of it will stick around in my body to try and clean out the damage i do to it on a daily basis. Flush the toxins out!

Given the oppertunity, I will binge. Why bother half-stepping? If you’re going to do something you’ll regret later go whole hog. The funny thing is, as i get older I don’t binge, I try the moderation route ( i chalk it up to wisdom) and i find myself in pretty much the same space as if i had binged, but with less money wasted. My addictive personality loves to binge though, and i get to keep tabs on that, which isn’t so bad.

The struggle with the self, and the acceptance of how ridiculous it is is kinda the core of the conundrum of life. What else do you really have going on inside but a constant struggle to balance the person you are with the person you want to be? Binge on life. oh, snap. there ya go. It sounds born-again, but what the hell, get your binge on. Bingin’ on life.

While I’m at it, i need to design a beer called Binge Drinking Beer. The whole animosity (and rightly so, I suppose) behind binge drinking is ripe for some irony. Binge drinking needs an official beer, I can supply that…just gotta figure out a style.

Binge Stylin’.

I get real smart, and then I stupid up.

Cruise Control

Looks like everything is going just fine. Sailing along very nicely. Nothing but the horizon ahead, with a nearly unlimited view of everything around.

It’s during moments like these that the anxiety sets in. It’s a chronic condition of the life I live. What should I be doing right now that could be more productive, furthering a goal I want to see to completion. Look at everyone else around me, achieving things, why aren’t i more like them? On and on and on, it doesn’t stop. Gotta have some force to push you along though. If i were a little more zen and less into luxury, i could live in my car. Depends on how zen i want to get, i suppose.

If we’re gonna get zen here, this is probably neither the time or the place, but when is it ever? Try and come to terms with keeping my ideas about life and myself evolving, checking it out from different angles, while incorporating myself into it. It’s exhausting work, people.

Anyways, back to my luxury life. I just can’t get over the new Das Racist album, it’s joke rap done almost too well. I listen over and over and keep coming back for more. I wake up in the morning in that half sleep daze turning their verses over in my head, when i just want to sleep. I don’t get it, I feel like this shouldn’t be on such heavy rotation, and yet it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndnCkUDQFUE

I love music….gimmie more!

Digital Pillow

So you are here. You are here to write something, bring it all together. You have taken in alot of information in the past few months, information you need to process, information you think you can digest without discussing, here or elsewhere.

So the typing stops, and the thinking begins. why are you here again? on first impression, it’s because it’s been a month. you enjoy writing, you enjoy reading, yet you do both so infrequently. as you type this, you are watching something kardashian related, and you are alarmed at this. you turn off the TV, even if it is through the lens of kimmel.

the idea is to show up, and the meaning will reveal itself. the words will start pouring out, because as your inner monologue gets rolling, so too will the ideas. the juicy, meaty stuff that you come for here in the first place. Because you can’t help yourself, this is your refuge. the place where ideas get filtered enough to be placed. unfiltered ideas have no place in this world, they can only be misinterpreted. this is the place where thought goes into said unfiltered ideas, and deeper meaning is pulled out via whatever it is you call a writing voice. your writing voice is so very special to you, it’s the reason you return.

somehow, you can type coherently enough to create a dialogue, coherently enough to create a voice. an amazing, eloquent, narcissistic voice you can read over and over, you beautiful bastard. at this point you dismay about what the point is of this, where the hell you can even go with this type of writing. but it doesn’t matter. you are here, you are expressing.

you come here to scream into your digital pillow.

you smile a little, because it’s OK, the digital pillow comparison is so spot-on. nicely done.

And yet, as bitter as you were when you first came here (or self-loathing) in that small period of time, things have changed. you have talked to someone cool. you have had time to think and process. you have had time to dabble in the things you love because you can’t just go on a typing jag without being interrupted, you live in the digital age.  this journal is only a psuedo-journal, because you have to filter yourself, and you can go find any idea (webpage) that flies into your mind,and continue writing at any point later, as difficult as that is.

digital pillow though, that is pure gold.

Self-Growth

sweet jesus,  i just listened to Johnathan Franzen (author on the cover of TIME magazine) and he stated ” people think there is unlimited potential for growth and they don’t apply it to personal growth”.

wow.  i was not ready for that.

wait, i can’t keep growing forever?

what the fuck am i going to do now? STOP. STOP growing. alright, done. i am keeping  my subconscious from active thought. well done, you don’t need to grow anymore.

actively , anyways.

done and done. great job, subconscious you nailed it.

*CRAZY golf clap*…….CRAZAY!

subconscious nailed down, get used to the rest. SELF growth. SELF GROW.

Self-Involved

It’s late, and there may not be the time i would like to put into a post, but i am drawn, i am am beckoned. my mindset is trying to provoke me into some analysis, because when the mind is like this, it is best to strike while the iron is hot. i could easily placate this feeling by switching on the TV, but I can tell it won’t cut it tonight. something needs to be said, and I need to say it. here. uh huh, just get it off your chest already.

it’s nothing in particular though. life is back to its particular grind. it is doing what it normally does, and i try and fit my schedule around it. there is my grandma dying going on right now, but that’s a subject for another post. I don’t know if i’m ready for that one yet.

wow, that just sucked all the wind out of my sails. anything i may have wanted to reflect on just got snuffed. the pettiness of my life gets put in perspective, and isn’t that what you wanted anyways? it’s here and then it isn’t.

and then something happened.

Believe

Now that I’m not debilitatingly tired and have some time for reflection I keep coming back to what I just accomplished, and what it means in my life. I climbed that mountain for no reason, really. I did it because my friends had an idea to do it and I went along. Because, why not? Climb the mountain because it’s there and I hear mountain climbing is tough. I’ve pushed myself before, but never like this. Still, I was well trained, had advice and advisers, and all the gear I needed.

I found that was only half of it though, I saw truly how important being mentally prepared is than physical training. This is one of those ideas that is driven into you a million times by others, telling you that your mental attitude is huge in the things you want to accomplish. Of course, I was aware of this idea, I feel like I’ve used it before. I said in the previous post that I couldn’t believe that I had done it, but I think there was alot coming in, and I couldn’t place all of  it.

Upon looking back, I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could do it. I just knew I could, and then I started to see myself as my attitudes beyond my ego. Seeing my limitations and the things I can accomplish and the insignificance of it all, really. Seeing myself for who I am, and what is important to me. Believing in myself, utterly. Needless to say, it’s tough to describe without sounding like a cliched douchebag.

I’ve been hearing “It is what it is” more and more these days , and I mean alot. I feel like it’s popping up everywhere, that people are accepting things because there’s not really any other option. The phrase bugs me a little, a catch-all phrase that can act as a band-aid for actual analysis. I might be biased because I still think “So it goes” is better. But the idea is there, floating through people’s minds, describing a feeling. One by one, these ideas start webbing together and a belief is born. It comes from somewhere, it is tangible.

But there I was, standing on top of a mountain, looking out upon it all, feeling I was supposed to have a huge sense of accomplishment of what i had just achieved. At least extremely humbled or something. I didn’t though, I had just done it because I knew I was going to. In the moment it happened, I was too preoccupied with exhaustion and time constraints to bring it all home. Looking back at it now though, I see how it comes together, how believing doesn’t make it so.  Believing is what it is. It is what I am, it is what I do. It is being human, and recognizing where you fit in, as much as you can.

As narcissistic and conceited as this sounds,  believing in myself is as close to God as I can get. That’s not all there is to it, but that’s the base idea. I can’t carry it all by myself, I need others, and they need me. All of us believing everything and nothing to varying degrees at the same time. The idea of seeing yourself as both important and inconsequential. Believing what you want and what you will,  fitting it into existing on this planet, and finding a sense of peace in all of it.

So it goes my friend, so it goes.

Crutches

A couple of nights ago, i went and demoed some beer i had made for a group of people who were doing a class with a personal chef. I know this personal chef through my wife, and he is gracious enough to give us some time to talk about our beers and also serve it to the people he is cooking for.  i got to hang out, have some food and gush to people about my beer. it was an amazing experience, getting paid enough money to at least cover the cost of the ingredients for the beer, and talking to people about a beer that i made.  some people may have just been being polite, but most of the responses were  positive ones. but the people who did want to talk to me kept coming back for more, which is a good sign, but i do understand drinking for drinking’s sake.  just generally bonding with people i would have never met otherwise over beer was what made it amazing though.

it makes me think about my personality though, why i dread such things yet enjoy them at the same time. there’s this balance for me between my dad and my mom. both are amazing people to me, but they’re at different ends of the specturm in terms of social engagment. my dad is very gregarious and is one of those people that knows everyone and is always starting conversations. my mom is way more reserved, quiet and almost reclusive. i may not always notice it at the time, but when i reflect on it, i can definitely point to which one was more at the forefront.

I’ve always been more engaged in the side i get from my mom, because it’s easier for me to be quiet and soft spoken in strange situations, and not have to put myself out there. It comes more natural for me. As i get older though, i find my dad coming out more and more. I’m not sure if it’s been the repression or from just being able to notice it more, or just the fact that things naturally become less serious as you get older. It’s somewhere in the middle of all that. It’s less comfortable as a natural introvert, but i find that it makes me feel better when i occassionally step outside of the bubble and embrace the extrovert i know is there.

i have to admit though, alcohol and caffeine help coax him out, the crutches of external elements that help me navigate my life. i hear people talk about alot of things as “crutches” and i see it, i know it. I still don’t see why it is any better to live life without crutches though, without something to support who you are. Exercise and video games are  a crutch for me, but they aren’t my be-all-end-all, and they’re not as distructive as drugs.

It comes down to basically anything that you do to distract you from yourself becomes a crutch, and that sounds pretty bogus to me. find that balance, of course. If i had nothing to distract me form myself, would that make me a better person? More in tune with everything? Happier? It might, i guess i haven’t really tried it.

I guess i don’t see these crutches as something that hold me up to move me forward, but as just something to hold me up so i don’t lie on the ground and surrender to everything around me. There’s something zen in there. I suppose if i could hold myself up without support, I’ll see myself for who i am, in complete and utter acceptance.

I’m not ready for that yet though, not in a proactive sense. When I’m ready, I’ll know it, it just feels like it couldn’t be any other way.

Seattle Hip Hop

Here i am, in work way early in the morning, in an attempt to get out early.The getting here early was kinda nice actually, but it’s a little off-putting when you’re the last person to leave for the day and the first person in the next morning. I felt like i was going to the airport this morning, it was peaceful.

I’m here early though so i can  go push my way through a throng of sweaty hipsters at ground zero of hip seattle culture. i speak of the capitol hill block party, which looks to be huger than ever this year, and chock full of seattle hip hop. Last year was a big year for the hip-hop scene around here, and i think that’s settled down a bit. but everyone’s still grindin’ hard, and i think there’s going to be alot of new music coming out after summer into next year, which i look forward to.

The scene is coming into something of it’s own (again), and there’s going to be good representation at this year’s block party, along with other fun bands as well. I haven’t been to a day long festival type music fest in awhile, and despite getting to old for this, i’m really looking forward to it.

Seeing Macklemore, Shabazz Palaces, Champagne Champagne, and some collaboration act with Helladope, State of the Artist, Spaceman, and Grynch. Not all my favorite groups, but this is a live music experience. It’s going to be a good one. I’m smitten with seattle hip-hop, glad i’m youngish enough to still go to these things, even if i don’t really care about being publicly awesome anymore.

Creation

most of the time, i ask myself what i’m doing here. that i’m beyond this type of self-reflection, that this only does me marginally good. typing like a narcissistic goon, (not)begging for attention.

but whether i like it or not, i come here and create. creation. creating something out of an apparent nothing. a place where unbridled creation is unleashed,  embracing some creative element. most of the time, i would rather consume stuff, but the bug is there to occasionally create something. write my thoughts down, brew some beer, fix something that’s broken. A creative life versus a consumption life, yet another balancing act to strike. consume too much and you just become a receptacle just loaded with facts and ideas. create too much and you get too focused on creating and getting lost in your own world. neither is a bad thing, but much like everything in this world, too much of anything is no good. thank you 3rd grade, for that nugget of wisdom.

the big thing is the quality level. quality is not inherent to creation or consumption, but it’s a big part. i still haven’t figured out quality though. you can feel it in things you create, see it in things you consume. for all i know, it could be the amount of love that goes into or comes out of these objects when you interact with them. it’s impossible to quantify, it can only be done by feeling, but you know it when you see it. it’s a nice thought, anyways.

i think my big problem these days is that i don’t care if i create anything. i enjoy creation but i don’t try and catalog and store alot of it, and the stuff i do still just doesn’t feel like it has enough importance to try and force others to consume what i create. either through laziness or fear of rejection, i don’t know. mostly i think it’s the apathy that is encountered you make something you think is nice. it is presented and summarily dismissed with a shrug and a “meh”, and life goes on. maybe a “that’s nice”.

but so what? if i create something and a bunch of people think it’s the greatest thing ever, then what? my ego gets a little scratch under it’s chin and a treat for being such a good boy, and i’m back to where i started, chasing the high of creating something people think is important to further satiate my ego. it’s a damn vicious cycle, but it all feels like it if i sit down and start thinking hard enough.

let’s turn this around, though. creation does bring a sense of accomplishment, and i suppose that’s about all i can expect from it. at least i can do tangible things for myself, to make me feel better. as long as i’m not hurting anyone else, i can justify what i do for myself, or people i truly care about. there are  not many things in life worrying yourself over, and a sense of accomplishment is a damn fine distraction.

beer might be something worth screaming about from the hilltops for me, but i’d still rather relax than work, and i think that makes all the difference.

you know it when you see it.