ahhh, cinco de mayo, another st. patricks day type holiday where drinking is highly encouraged. i’ll probably be lame tonight anyways.

so much white noise around me here at work, freezers constantly going, vents constantly pushing air, lots of energy to create order in this building. white noise everywhere though, not just here. white noise in the sense of everything. noise noise noise, no direction, no meaning just noise.

here i am, the end product of my college career, and it couldn’t be better, good job, good home, good girlfriend, and that’s great. it’s time for a break as far as i’m concerned, do mindless work, but do a good job of it, and just do what i want afterwards. it’s school without the homework.

i feel like i should be jaded and yet, i’m not, my situation here is like i predicted, you work with other people and you have to deal with workplace drama. but at least i don’t have to deal with customers.

but i think i just have the mindset to deal with it now. at least i’m in a business where i can work my way up, and prove myself as a valuable employee, and be the good little boy i’ve always been. The older you get the more you regress towards being a kid. i find myself acting childish and yet adult all the time, and it’s like two parts of me that agree to disagree. i suppose everyone probably has the same problems though, in one direction or the other, too much child, or too much adult. i certainly wouldn’t want to be too much of either one. i feel like they’ve come to terms with each other, since they’re both necessary for my sanity. I think they both figured out that more understanding leads to more things that are ridiculous, which in turn, leads to more comedy.

it leaves me feeling neutral about everything, which i guess is my nature, or it could be something i’ve conditioned so well that it feels completely natural. it goes beyond self-discovery, or any hope of finding out who i “truly” am. indifference shines through like a laser beam that blinds out everything else. this indifference doesn’t sprout up from apathy, yet apathy is there.

i guess it comes from scope. like being the bacteria in your GI tract that is going to be expelled when you take a crap. a third of your crap is bacteria, but billions more remain inside of you. good thing those bacteria aren’t conscious, otherwise they might be pissed about being crapped out, and try everything in their power not to come out. (pardon my biology, but it’s how i think about things) so i’m this little bacteria in a huge organisim that relies more on trends than any active decision, and i am conscious of myself, and i’ll do anything to keep myself alive and happy. reality and unreality are so closely linked so as to hardly be able to distinguish between the two. i am this human, another stepping stone on the path of evolution to something better suited for another environment ( i guess the environment of the mind) thousands of species of all forms of life have come and gone, leaving what we have today. dozens of major catastrophies, sunlight, water, all coming together to make this planet the way it is, and it could have been a multitude of a trillion of other possibilities.

and yet here i am, somehow surviving, helping break down matter for entropy, and all i have are the things that make me happy. and i’ll cherish those things until they aren’t there anymore, then i’ll reminisce about them and find something else that makes me happy, until my final breath. Filling up your time is easy, and while you sit around and wonder where it went, you waste more time. I think that consciousness is just this huge catch-22, and it seems ridiculous to treat it otherwise.

so i think everything’s settling down here, i’m moved in to my place here in bothell, job is going smoothly, and i have a insured car and everything. days are so short though, they really go so much faster than school. you go to work at 9, get home around 5:30, then do something physical and eat dinner and then before you know it, it’s about 8, and bed time’s just around the corner before you have to get up again. not there’s anything wrong with it at all, i think it’s pretty nice. i don’t have to take anything home, so my night is mine, and yet my free time still seems almost more regimented than my work day. to fit in everything i want to do in a day along with things i have to do, it’s constant motion. keeps me distracted though, i can’t believe i’ve already had this job for almost a month now. heather is finally going to be moving down tonight, so bye bye bellingham, i don’t think i’ll need to go back to that place for a while. the eastside is alittle different when you’re on your own, and there’s still lots to explore for me around here on my bike, as i am finding out, everything around this area is so close to one another, but you don’t really realize it until you start getting out and about be it driving, riding whatever. you go in a direction for a couple of miles, and suddenly you’re in another town that you recognize, but didn’t know you could get there that way.

there’s all these fancy office buildings around where i live as well, apparently bothell is blowing up for rich corporations to move to (my guess is snohomish county is a bit less stringent than king in business requirements) and what’s funny is that most of them are availible. even in a business that is booming like biotech, the huge economic recession has taken its toll. but this area is kind of funny, because it’s like a giant building and landscaping architecture showcase. this plae is built in the middle of a creek/wetland area, and there are a bunch of trails that run around ponds and floodplains, making for this odd urban wetland area. it’s ideal for running though, lots of ways to go, most of them an hour or less.

i’m really enjoying where i live now, especially with my proximity to everything around here, and just working during the day, and doing what i want the rest of my week is very liberating because i can always keep myself busy somnehow.

quick, get the blog down before someone else calls!

whoops, too late, one moment please…

allright back to the blog, i gotta keep this rollin’ while i still have some motive to write, cause i just got a bunch of music from my friend scott, mostly hip hop i needed back on my computer, but i also got hybrid which i haven’t listened to for a couple of years now. music is so amazing, listening to this reminds me of sitting in my house on north garden, studying japanese, or going to see my first moby concert at the paramount with them as the leading act, or driving up to canada before we get pulled over at customs for god knows why, or running my loop around the high street area for the umpteenth time, or dancing alone in my room, for the hell of it. endless memories that are attached to every song i’ve ever listened to. i’ve lost so many of my CDs in my lifetime, but with the internet, they’re all just a click away, and then bam, you’re back in 5th grade, sitting next to your sony boombox, listening to “two princes” while playing video games.

frankly, i don’t know what i’d do without music. so much i have ingested, and yet there are millions of other notes in a million other arrangements to go. so much information, particular arrangements of words or ideas in literature, film, music, media constantly bombarding me, giving me insight into a multitude of things, different viewpoints on anything in this world, where anything can and will happen. not enough time in the day to find new sources of inspiration while still allowing for reflection on what has already been ingrained. not like there’s any hurry though, you have to allow for new things to sink in for awhile, not just listen for a couple of days and on to the next thing, more repetition allows more insight and more appreciation into the work of art it may very well be.

spectacular.

so i figure that i don’t have much to post these days because it’s hard to get fired up about writing. i just don’t feel the need to express myself anymore in this media sometimes, but other times i need it for an outlet. i know other people read this, but at the same time don’t really, just looking for something to occupy a coupe of minutes before a download is finished or something, or end up here by accident looking for “masterbating sluts”. i make these thoughts public, but not really i suppose, it’s not like anyone comments on my blogs, they’re mostly for me and anyone who cares enough to pick through this crap hoping to find something insightful, which is unlikely at best.

why all the self-depreciation? is it that deeply ingrained, or does it stem from the fact that i figure people have about as short an attention span as i do, and aren’t really that interested in anything much longer than a sound bite. getting across alot with a little takes alot of skill and talent, hence people who can do it well actually write and get published or become politicians. i of course have no such aspirations, and figure that everyone else who blogs is of the same idea. most random blogs i look at are pretty mundane, but i figure most of them are younger than me as well. i remember when i sort of cared about things. it wasn’t too much different from the way things are now, because i figure that i don’t care enough in the first place to give it much thought. but the idea of not caring is such an oxymoron that i get sick of even thinking about it, there’s more important things to do like go running or read a book or simply exisiting.

my brain just got tired, something burned out in it a year ago, i can tell, but i’m not sure what it was. everything around me seemed less wonderous, not that things don’t hold wonder for me, but it just seemed like anything can happen in this world, anything. if you look around at every passing person you see, they have problems, just like you. most of them are probably worse than the problems i have, but it’s all pretty subjective.

maybe that’s what it was, being subjective as opposed to objective, being objective seems to concrete for me, while subjectiveness rules everything around me it seems like.

ob·jec·tive (b-jktv) adj.
1. Of or having to do with a material object.
2. Having actual existence or reality.
3.
a)Uninfluenced by emotions or personal prejudices: an objective critic.
b)Based on observable phenomena; presented factually: an objective appraisal.

sub·jec·tive (sb-jktv) adj.
1.
a) Proceeding from or taking place in a person’s mind rather than the external world: a subjective decision.
b) Particular to a given person; personal: subjective experience.
2. Moodily introspective.
3. Existing only in the mind; illusory.

i can see how it would be easy to confuse the two, seeing as concrete things come from perceptions of our mind, but i suppose it’s hard to be compassionate if you’re objective all the time. it seems like the two are exclusive of eachother, but everyone tries to mix them to varying degrees.

i guess i just feel that the subjective is much more powerful than the objective because i succumb to it easier. and therein lies the problem. i don’t have a goal to be objective or subjective though, so there’s gotta be something else to strive for,but i’m unsure how to label it. there has to be some medium between the two that exisits, but it’s as of yet out of my grasp.

basically i’m just motivated to try, it’s not like anything is spectacularily wrong with my life, so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. hardship will bring flux, but creating hardship for yourself doesn’t help, it helps stagnate you even further.

i think stagnation has a bad rap, much in the same way sex does. everyone wants to do it, but it’s kinda looked down on. of course too much is bad, but then, that’s subjective, right? i just feel my life is already full and planned and going where it needs to go, but there’s always something to hurry or push you.obligations to something or someone can be powerful motivation.

dammit, i don’t even know what i’m talking about anymore, i’m just rattling down thoughts that barely make sense to me in hopes that it will make sense. most of the time when i write things down they make more sense, that’s what i think this page is for, because writing for an audience makes me feel like i hav to try and explain it to other people, which ends up being myself. this time it’s not working out very well. i just can’t seem to sort them out yet, probably because i’m forcing it. but if i don’t force it, i’m gonna have to wait for some sort of inspiration, and those are coming less and less frequently now.

i guess i feel like i know i don’t have everything figured out, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like there should have to be anything to figure out in the first place. exsisting from day to day is no way to live, but feels like the only option.

i mean, what other choices do you have besides deciding to exsist?

wow, i’m actually able to blog from my own computer for once. it’s kinda odd. even though it is dial up, and its at my parents house, it’s still on my computer for once and not some one else’s.

it’s a great feeling.

my mind is a gushing wound, and has been the past couple of days. it won’t stop with dreams it won’t stop with thoughts, it won’t stop being bitter and it won’t stop being snappy. i have no control over these things and they just happen inexpicably. i think that there is such thing as a force, some unmeasurable empthy wave that gets sent out and some people pick up on it and others don’t. it could also be because i’m stressed about finding a new job, and wrapping things up in bellingham and ending this chapter of my life.

but it’s more than that and i can feel it deep down and it makes me feel tired, angry and seeking of solitude. my brain argues with itself about things it has no control over, things that seem alright but knows that they aren’t things that there is no way to control comprehend or make sense of and the nonsensicalness of everything adds up until my brain can’t take it anymore and it needs realese, realese from everything because it’s all the same and everything i do seems non consequential unless it’s done for someone else in which case it is more of a responsibility.

the body feels light, the mind almost dragging it out from where it’s been and where it might need to go, metamorphisis in to something not necesarily better, but just something different. the scenery changes but you are left to interpret it as you see fit and nothing seems to get better or worse because you know deep down that nothing seems to get better or worse, things just are.

rhetorical questions are the name of the game. things you want to comprehend but can’t possibly, and knowing that even if you knew the answer it probably wouldn’t make much of a difference, just something to file away in the back of your brain for the time the next episode strikes and you’re wondering what the hell you’re doing, why you do it, and why it may have struck your fancy in the first place. not even expressible, forced to use a keyboard and let my mind just let off steam, let it vent things it may find important througha medium that moves faster than writing it down because i can type more words a mintues than i can awrite, and my mind moves and much faster rates than my hands can even type leaving me with something that is gibberish, but is kinda like punching a wall, just something that will relieve pressure that is coming from an unknown source. it does no good but you do it anyways because it makes you feel better at the time.

everything you hear and think is a good idea gets incorporated into how you think you see an idea and you think that that particular arrangments of words is something beyond words, it is something between the lines with things inferred and more to it than meets the eye. it helps you summarize this feeling, this inexplicable feeling of prevention of stagnation, of a mind that works too fast for its own good and has to have the brakes replaced every couple of months, and depending on how bad you let them get will determine how much trouble you have slowing down with the pressure of time having its unseen effect on you.

the stress of change gets to you weighing down on your brain but making it lighter at the same time, it is plowing paths through your mind that are not often used because there is no need for them to be used at the most mundane of times, only when you see the fire and need to break the glass to get the fire extinguisher and turn off the emergency gas line before things get out of hand and muscles start twitching involuntarily, with no seemingly right course of action to be taken in the first place, just knowing that action needs to be taken, and you will feel better if you can just do somthing because otherwise you are left with inaction and your body can’t take it and just wants to explode at the seams with all these stress creating chemical byproducts that make you body scream out to be used and manipulated for what it was intended to do but you have no idea what that was.

rich poor happy sad crazy sane complex simple strange ordinary wonderful awful close far esoteric mundane. if my life was any of these things different it would be the same. my brain is hardwired and there’s no turning back different situations create different problems but my mind would still handle them the same, the way that it thinks is most logical, eating at itself with what is prudent and logical and not even wondering if it is the best way because it is the best way that you can think of without extra input, factors you may not have considered but don’t think are important until they are.

there’s nothing to worry about though, nothing to fear, because everything turns out alright in the end. it always does. if you don’t die then you continue living, whether you like it or not and you will get by but death seems to be the only permanent and certain thing in this life, and really that doesn’t seem like it could be right either. you deal with what you can, while you can, with what you have and go from there because the things that matter are worth protecting to you and anything beyond that is pure abstraction of your existance, no matter how self-centered, self-rightous, and preachy it is.

i have all these glimmers of things that i used to be, and yet i do nothing to change them. i pick up my violin a couple times a week now that i don’t have school, and it feels great to be playing again. i work for my professor finishing up the project i started last year, and i feel better about myself. i still exercise, but i do the bare minimum, and when i push myself to lift and do sit ups, i feel better. i have this set of things i do, and when i rise above it, i feel like i’mm accomplishing something.

and yet, these things still fail to motivate me to strive higher. as soon as i find a real job, i know that’s gonna be it. all drive to be creative and above what i do will be dead. i feel this deadness in me after about my fourth year of college, where i just don’t give a damn anymore. everything i deal with on a daily basis is so arbitrary, that you can’t really prepare for it, only roll with the punches.

everything has been eerily coincidental latley. things i hear or see in media, just end up popping into my daily life, and it’s like life is trying to tell me something, but i don’t know what. it might be that i’m just noticing these things more that i have less to distract myself, but it just seems wierd.

i got into a white out fight with my tutee today, that shit’s really hard to get off of you once it’s on. my face feels raw from rubbing it off. it’s like paint.

i need to get out of bellingham, but i’m scared it’s going to be exactly like this anyways. i guess my only real motivation to get a new job is that i don’t have any medical coverage, and all it would take is one slip off my bike and i’d be in a financial hole for the next 40 years.

i feel like i’m just exsisting, but i feel like there isn’t anything beyond that. no grand scheme, no enlightenment, no expanding horizons. nothing seems to surprise me anymore, because anything in this universe seems feasible. i’m capable of some pretty nasty things, but also some very nice things, and so is everyone else. everyone is so alike with one another it’s sickening. if everyone realized how alike they were in their thought processes, problem solving, emotions and feelings, who knows what would happen. i figure that being able to empathize with others is a great thing, but at the same time, you want things for yourself. if everyone understood everything about everyone, there would be no more mystery to life, and everyone would exsist as one large organisim, since everyone would know everything about everyone. maybe that’s what we’re destined for. going from billions of related, but not interconnected beings to one monstorous super-being. then of course as a super being, we would look for more super-beings to relate with.

everyone wants to belong, everyone wants to be accepted, but be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

so i’ve been meditating so much that i have been neglecting this guy. on the other hand there’s not really much to talk about. stagnancy would be the word for it, looking for jobs and not finding anything, but then again, not trying very hard in the first place. going to work, dealing with stuff there. coming home, dealing with stuff there.

everything and everyone blurs together to this link of events that no matter how extraordinary it seems, comes back down to seeming ordinary yet again. the more that i look around at everyone and everything around me, the more i realize that they share more common qualities than differing ones.

but it doesn’t make one feel hopeless, just powerless. the two are interconnected, but then again, so is everything, i feel, just with differeing levels of detail. embracing the powerlessness (or just acknowleding it, i suppose) leaves you only at the mercy of yourself, which unfortunatly is your cruelest tormentor.

despite all the doom-and-gloom though, i have to say that things are spectacular, and i am beyond content. school is done, and i couldn’t be happier. wading through one pile of bull shit just to dive head first into the next one doesn’t seem that bad anymore. at least it will be a change of pace.

probably should roll up my sleeves for this one…it’s been while

so i’m out running and i stop by the western computer lab on the way home every 3 days or so. having internet access is worth a half-hour run. there’s lots of people in here now, as school starts on tuesday. so everyone’s getting ready to go back to school, and i’m going to still be on break, blissfully school-free. it’s a wonderful thing, i have to admit.

a strange tangent, i was just thinking about all the reading i’ve been doing, and i thought that i always forget what i read after 5 books back or so. so it’s time to make a book log, of dates and books i’ve read.

jeez, the things i come up with when i have nothing better to do. i guess this can be a new year resolution thing, something stupid to do while i don’t have much going on. the new year is here, and i’ve had a bout a month off to goof off, before going off to find a new job. it’s been an awesome break though.

life after school….it does exsist, in fact it keeps rolling along regardless of what i’m doing.

it’s already been over a week since i graduated, and i’m feeling like it was yesterday, i’m ready and willing to just sit on my ass the rest of my life as far as i’m concerned. it just allows me to revel more in work drama and various drama that were otherwise distracted by school and focus and what not. don’t have those distractions anymore, so i guess i gotta keep myself occupied by something. video games are good, real good, and i’m enjoying them thouroghly. i’m finishing up stephen king’s dark tower odyssey which has finally been finished after an eight year hiatus. and i’m finished with chirstmas shopping and that’s fine too.

i always find december as a reflection month. odd that counting crows “long december” comes on at this moment on my girlfriend’s computer. more funny than anything, i suppose, i don’t see any coincidence in it though. i’m sick of coincidence. there’s gotta be something larger than just coincidences. i think it’s more apporpriatly termed “co-ink-ee-dink” it just seems like we dumb things down by calling them coincidences, so why not take it the next step and refer to it in childish terms?

no mind though, i don’t think there’s any point to that.

i feel this kind of serenity now that i’m done with school. i have a shit job that pays the bills, an education that will get me somewhere, my health, and all the food and clothes and support i’ll ever need. yup, sitting pretty comfortable right now. no complaints, nothing. there’s nothing too complain about, except petty things, which is basically everything. music, politics, media, relationships. it’s not a big deal though, it’s easy and it passes the time, much like TV which is just everyday drama concentrated into half-hour sound bites.

i mean, if you work in retail, you are automatically subjected to drama. this person has problems with that person. you side with them, against them, or ignore it. it’s a very dynamic situation, and creates comonalities between people that might not have them anyways. any job is no better, but retail has constantly rotating people that just adds to the mix. more spices create more flavor.

i think i detatched myself from it at some point, but when did it happen? did it happen? i tend to think that my general apathy of everything just creates a foundation for my life, and i suppose if i cared i’d be offended. being offended is funny. i don’t get offended ever i think, because i don’t care enough, but on a deeper level, anything said that is offensive probably comes from someone that i think is an idiot. and if i don’t think they’re an idiot, then everyone has relapses, especially me. any one can say anything they want, it’s just words. only you can put meaning to them. i find it really easy to smirk if someone says something offensive or rude. the first thought that pops into my head is “if they actually, truly, believe that, that is freakin’ hilarious”. i don’t know, if you tend to operate on reason, things tend to work themselves out. my reasons might be different than yours, but they make sense to me.