Almost a month since my last blog, not much has happened though.

until today that is. as of 11:09 am today, i waled out of my last formal college class ever. i am now officially graduated (knock on wood, i’ll believe it when i get my diploma) but all the formalities are out of the way, now i should have a degree.

good god, the day has finally come, and it hasn’t registered yet. 19 years of school are done, now it’s time to go be productive in our society. it’s gonna hit me full force in the next week or so, but now i just feel giddy like the end of the quarter giddy, not the end of school giddy.

just gotta get through this week of court dates, community service and family graduation time, and i’ll be slackin it up, working and that’s all.

stupendous.

i give myself a high five for hanging in there, despite how futile it always seemed.

something unorthodox, something new, got nothing in either of those areas

its friday, i have two weeks left of my college career, where i find out that working and school minus the school just leads to more freetime, and thus an abuse of time and substances. i need to find a job though, because i need to get out of bellingham. it’s been great, but it’s time to bid adieu.

i heard california just approved a 3 billion dollar measure to fund stem cell research. maybe i should move down there and get a job. work a couple of years, gain residency then go to brewmaster college in davis. probably my best bet, since my job field is just a passing phase before it’s all done by computers. there’s a lot of job security in alcohol manufacturing and porn, so i figure since i’m not hung like a stallion, i can go make alcohol. sounds like a plan to me.

two weeks of school though couldn’t have come at a better time. i can say i’m going to get my masters, but it’s not going to hapen unless i have a huge midlife crisis. the college instituion is full of shit, and i’m sick of dumping money into it. every one takes such stock in college degrees, but even if you major in something, you still only have a broad view of your field, making you open ended to go anywhere in your field, but it’s not like you can’t just learn the specifics in half the time.

say for instance, me. all the stuff i’m going to be doing in labs could all be looked up in a book called “molecular cloning”. pretty much everything i would struggle through in labs to comprehend and understand is spelled out in plain english in these books. if you want to know the proper restriction enzymes to use in chopping a piece of DNA, this book will list the best kinds to use, the buffer solutions to use, and precisley how to mix them to get the desired effect. no doing calculations based on vague professor instructions, just paint-by numbers. sure you want to learn something about what you’re doing, but that’s for the hardcore people who actually have drive and want to commit the rest of their lives to researching ideas they come up with.

not for me, work is the means to and end, not the end in itself. even if i become a brewmaster, which is possibly the coolest job i could get, i would still enjoy a hike, or video games, or time with friends on a completly different level than work. college doesn’t make you smarter, it just lets you know where your priorities lay. i guess i had to spend 30 grand to figure out that i’m pretty much in the same place i started with a little more knowledge of a specific subject. at least that thirty grand helped fuse my resolves though, at least i’m pretty sure of them.

working anywhere for anybody is the same no matter what. the fact that you have to interact with people on a daily basis in this way ensures that drama will ensue, no matter if you’re serving fast food or doing cancer research. same shit, different pile.

bitter, bitter, bitter, i gotta stop this kick. it’s just fun because it’s so much easier to be bitter in a written medium than in person. being bitter with other people just ends up in wasted time and effort. so i just get it out in a half hour blog and vent a little steam, and maybe come back and read it later and be like “jeez, i’m a narrow minded asshole”. and i may very well be that. selfish, crude, and lazy, all balanced out with everything else i do. the fact that i’m a walking contradiction gives a very apathetic striving to discover who i am, what i’m doing, where i’m going. there’s no rush, so why not deal with it as it happens?

i will be seeing bone thugz and harmony tonight though, and that definatly puts a smile on my face. and i’m going to go try my hand at tutoring junior high school students right now, so i’m sure that will be a little shake up of what i’m used to.

i’ll see you at the crossroads….

so i came up to school here to do some chemistry lab work, but i get here and find that none of the data i need to even do the lab has been posted on the server.

aw shucks, now i’m going to have to go drink beer and play halo 2.

i even came all fired up to work after a full workday, and now, it’s gone, i couldn’t accomplish anything right now if i tried, it’d be extremly half assed and i’d have to fix it anyways.

so the big news for everyone is: bush is back in office. i say great. if this is what america chose, then we deserve every slanderous remark, every attack against us, everything we got coming to us for being a bunch of self-rightous, pompus, “leaders of the free world”.

the feeling that overcame me most when i heard that kerry had conceeded wasn’t dread, wasn’t outrage, wasn’t disbelief.

it was embaressment. here we are as a nation, throwing our weight around like we run the world, not listening to anyone, and doing as we please. the rest of the world hates us even more than americans used to be hated because of our actions in the past 4 years. and even if he wasn’t personally responsible, the figurehead for all these actions is GW. we have four years of this kind of leadership (that is chosen by us) and then, when all is said and done, we put him right back in the white house for another four years. this just goes right out and says:

“yes, our leader was doing all this stuff, but you know what? we think he did such a swell job that we’ll give him another 4 years.”

oh, the shame.

i mean, kerry would probably have been just as bad. but at least it would have sent the message that maybe america realized that what it’s been doing in the world community probably wasn’t the greatest thing to do, and maybe it’s time for a change.

but you know, it’s probably not going to change anything anyways. speeding up the destruction of america might not be such a bad thing in the end. i mean, we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing until there are some pretty harsh repercussions, GW might just help those get here sooner.

but who knows, maybe GW will save america, i mean, anything’s possible in the nexxt 4 years now. i just know there’s going to be some huge changes in the world in the next 4 years now, and i’m really interested to see how everything pans out. the possibilities are limitless. this seat-of-the-pants kind of government is just the spice needed around here.

i’m pretty sure i blogged about the aliens before, but i think they’re gonna be needed now more than ever. for a little refresher of the alien theory:

the only way for this world to realize itself as a global community is for something to exsist outside of it. irrefutable proof such as landing in the middle of times square and zapping a few people. aliens coming down to earth and interacting with people would be irrefutable proof that there is something outside of this world that is larger than us, and suddenly the world will seem a whole lot smaller.

we need this kind of shock if there’s going to be any change that doesn’t involve wiping out 90% of the world’s population, or the enitre planet having one huge ecstacy-fueled orgy.

yes, it’s ludicrous, but have you watched FOX news lately?

yo ho, happy election day.

i actually got off my ass and registered up here this time so i wouldn’t have to go through all the hoopla i did last time, and it helped, in and out in 15 minutes, even with a fairly large line.

i’m just waiting to hear the news in a couple of days that GW wins yet again, and some more shady things can happen during the process, and our country will continue on its current state of destruction.

i really don’t think kerry will do a much better job but he has these qualities going for him:

a) He’s coherent

b) He lets us know that he doesn’t want to give america an even worse appearance to the rest of the world

c) he at least pretends to care about social issues and the environment

if he gets in, he’s going to have a rough time of it, that’s for sure, but at least gw won’t be able to make supreme court appointments, or fumble his words in front of a disinterested america.

i’m just wondering if america is going to make it the next decade without suffering a nuclear attack, we probably have it coming.

it’s already november, i haven’t blogged in over two weeks. where the hell did that time go?

i only have about a month before i graduate, that’s pretty awesome. i did so well on my last two tests that it pretty much registered that these classes are no where near as hard as everything else i’ve taken and i don’t really have to put forth the effort i’m used to. so i’ve been pretty delinquent about school, but i don’t have much time left to be this lazy, because showing up to work won’t be optional.

i’ll miss it, but i want to get the hell out of here.

unreality….it happens

i don’t know what happened today, but it was strange, and it isn’t the first time it happened before. i was working, pretty tired, didn’t want to be there, the usual.

then all of the sudden, things became strange and i felt like i wasn’t really there. i was a part of this larger system, things just clicked into place, and there was no wasted motion on my part. every fumble, every action was plotted out, and everything i did just made sense, in a grander scheme of things. my mind detatched itself from my body, and i was just there, doing things. i felt like i had slipped through the floor and landed in a parallel dimension that was almost exactly the same, but there were differences in the tiniest details. i didn’t actually see any of these details, but i just sensed that everything was not as it had been before. i was devoid of emotion and i found myself just doing things to do them, smiling, moving, talking, none of it was forced, i was on a track and there was no way for me to do anything to divert myself from this track.

the last time something like this happened, it was due to not sleeping for a couple of days, but i have been sleeping, so it shouldn’t just nhit me all of the sudden out of the blue like this. it’s strange though, like i’m this puzzle piece that just realized it was a puzzle piece. part of something larger, only fitting in one spot.

reality just became distorted, and i felt like every question i could have possibly answered would be answered flawlessly and immediatly, but i couldn’t just do it then, it would come to me when it needed to be there.

it has definatly been a strange day today since that happened, but i have definatly enjoyed it, a little dose of unreality is healthy every now and again. i really think that it might be that i don’t have any mental days off where i do nothing mentally stimulating in particular. my days off include socializing, or school, and both take large amounts of concentration. maybe all the concentration spilled some chemicals over to an unused part of my brain and sent random signals around the thing. or maybe i was touched by god. i don’t know, it could be anything.

i thought i’d write this down, but i think i need to go embrace it some more, maybe something will come of it. but if it doesn’t come to me now, then it will someday.

typing while standing. the new way to be? or probably just something to spice it up a bit.

this is really great, i’m in the mood to write something, but everything strikes me as inane, and not even worth documenting here. at the same time, this is a bunch of self-rightous crap that i pile down to allow myself some form of writing outlet in a convinient fashion.

i guess in the end, i’m trying to kill time because i’m programmed to study really really hard because that’s what i did all last year, and now that i mostly just work in labs as opposed to doing them, my finishing classes are a bit of a joke. i mean, after you take biochemistry, genetics, and developmental biology in a quarter, all with respective labs, everything else just seems like you barley have to try to get the same mediocre grades that you always get. i always wanted to just try the not studying tactic to see if i get roughly the same grade i do when i work at it all week, but i’m too chicken in the end.

risks of any type are not my forte, besides the calculated risks that fall heavily in the favor of success.

i went over to one of my friend’s yesterday and they fed me this fabulous meal, which seems to happen everytime i go there (mostly because i think they eat on a gourmet level all the time). but anyways, i just had to wash dishes so i could feel like i was contributing something to the meal, and not just mooching.

theni realized that even at this low stress job i have, i can still get into hyper-stress mode. even at school, i can get into this high stress zone, where i am on high alert and everything matters. i thrive on this shit. i’m laid back but if you put pure unadulterated goals in front of me, i start slathering like a beaten and starved german shepard with a piece of meat in front of it. i know that on a level, i hate having to ride my bike to school, i hate having to go to school, and the same goes for work. there’s this inherent laziness that’s at the foundation of my soul, and its in a constant struggle with my hard-working tendancies. all the while i am doing things like going to school and work, and all i can think of is “dammit, i just want a day where i can sit around and do anything i want to” and yet when i have that oppertunity (which is basically the summer) i end up keeping myself just as busy with people and activities. when i do sit down for an extended period of time because everyone’s busy, and i don’t have any responsibilities, it’s still not as i envision it. everything about everything is so built up in my head, that when i actually get to it, it’s not what i was expecting. this isn’t necesarily dissappointing, it is just not what i expected it to be.

except for this ciggarette i had a couple nights ago.

i don’t smoke them that often, but i had a few beers after a day of studying all day and working all night, and i had a cigarette from this pack i found in a theater from the previous weekend.

i dragged smoke from that bitch and it was like i could feel the nicotine radiating through my lungs to the rest of my body. that cigarette was a poetic vignette to every other cigarette i had smoked, and the endless possibilites entailed to you by inhaling burning leaves through a cotton filter into your lungs.

it had all that it had ever promised as a cigarette, and all that i could ever expect from it. it promised no more than it gave me, and didn’t skimp when asked to go the whole nine yards.

it glowed in irrational glory, and shimmered in the dumbing incadescent porch light from my neighbors. me holding this burning, dried plant in my hand gave me more perspective about why i ingest chemicals, or perform such rediculous rituals, than most of the crap i pretend gives me something for nothing.

it was just me and the ciggarette, neither of us judging, basking in what we could provide to each other. i thanked the particular tobacco plant that had provided this stunning perfection of marlboro red, and i went inside completly satisfied, and actually wishing that this glorious creation could have lasted longer than it did.

it was a strange experience to say the least, almost like a regaining of innocence only ot lose it all over again, but with a perspective of having lost it for the first time.

i guess that being concious can sometimes be a curse, but when you get down to it, it really has some perks that make it all worth while.

i swear, there is some as of yet immesurable force in this universe that dictates everything that happens.

some days your just wake up and you know that it’s already not going to be the best day you’ve ever had. i don’t know if this mental attitude maybe sets you up for a self fulfilling prophecy, but i think that the attitude you have throughout the day just sets you up for how you’re going to handle the things you encounter.

today wasn’t terrible, but things just definatly keep going wrong. details are boring, but little things happen, they pile up on eachother, and all of the sudden, the day is over, you survived, only to start the next day with things pretty much back to normal.

Today is one of those anomalies that happen every couple months or so where the first and foremost thing on your mind is to go to sleep so that the day can be over, but of course, that’s the only thing that you can’t do. it’s strange, but it seems like there’s more to it than just a series of random events.

it’s all trivial in the end anyways. all the things that i do throughout the day, or crave to do, i can’t look back on it and recreate it. that pizza was really good today, but by the next day, would it have even mattered if i consumed it in the first place? i can only remember that it was good when i ate it, and that the next time i eat pizza, i’ll get one like that because i remember it as being good.

jesus, how many times have i whacked off? so many times to count, and impossible to keep track of. everytime i do it though, i remember it was good, i live in the moment for a bit, and then:

“well, that was fun, off to the next physical experience”

my brain feels like it doesn’t even uptake information anymore and my attention span is shorter than ever. i don’t even know how i’m still in school. everything i study is hammered in to be forgotten within a week.

my entire life is a vague recollection of physical experiences, studying, eating, sleeping, listening, fucking, loving, hating, and a whole menagerie of the things i can’t remember, or care not to. i keep going for the sake of going, and the question of “why”was thrown out awhile ago.

just keep going and something will happen, right?

i guess when the only thing to complain about in your life is complaining, you’ve thrown yourself into this infiniteloop of un-understanding, and there’s no end in sight, no where to run, no one to turn to and if you keep going for the sake of going, youwonder how the hell you got there in the first place, and what you’re going to do whenyou get there anyways, because you feel trapped, but not by something of your own design, seemingly something of someone else’s design, leaving you crippled and unable to actually go anywhere, because the lack of control that has always been there gets amplified by the roundabout questioning that invariably ends up at the same juncture that you started at with no understanding gained, no understanding lost, just a waste of time that seems terribly valuable since you are allocated a specific amount to do with whatever you want and if its wasted, it’s no one’s loss but your own and you’re the one who defines “waste” anyways and if you don’t keep going, maybe you should, because what the hell else do you have better to do?

that was kinda weird, i just hammered that out and it kept going. i wonder if my subconscious is trying to tell me something. the mental fatigue i’m experiencing probably allows my subconcious to rise from the depths and have some playtime for a bit, since the concious mind has no idea what is going on, and is too tired to care.

if that were true though, then i’d really hope that it would be alot more creative, and a lot less bitchy

what the hell am i going to do when i get there?

rollin’, rollin’, rollin’

i don’t know how i got up to school by almost 8:30 everyday last quarter. now that i have to get here by around 9:30, i have trouble getting up even by then. i guess if i was prepared the night before i could probably get up, but it’s all up in the air, so i try hard, but am still tired.

last night, for like 4 hours, heather and i worked on this informational board about sharks, to promote the new movie, shark’s tale. good lord, it’s awesome. This thing is like those grade school three-faced cardboard stands that has random blurbs of information and pretty pictures, and we painted the back to look like an ocean scene. it was odd to do because it did take like 4 hours or so to put the whole thing together, but it was just reminiscent of something that i did long ago….i felt like i was going to hae to practice my speech that was going along with the board. but that’s not until saturday, where i have to perform for random kids who are probably going to ask me all sorts of questions that i’ll have to make up as i go along.

it was fun though, despite the rediculous amount of time put into it (a nice studying distraction.) but i’ve been a recluse lately because i have no money to spare with hours being cut at work, rent being due at the same time as my quarter’s tuition, i’m basically leading a video game filled, sober, existance. which is nice, but i still can’t get motivated for school like i used to, but i feel it coming with school actually kicking into gear. i may complain about it, but having days where i have to be at school by 9, work all day in class or outside of it, and manage to fit a swim and lift in the middle of my day makes me feel much better by the end of the day, despite the fact that sitting in my studio with a beer and video games is not to far tucked away in the back of my mind.

i guess the keeping busy makes me feel better, plus i consume so much less when i got all this stuff to do, which is what i need until i can start getting hours at the theater again. at least get my debt to society and whatnot fulfilled.

i’m very intruiged by the idea of writing a random story, about a random person, in a random setting, exploring friv. verrrrrrry interested, but i know i’m gonna need time to sit and write, and unfortunatly, my computer at home died, so i can’t even work on it in installments to post as a whole. stupid computer….at least i got all these ones on campus to use.

-Life Interlude-

2 months more of school, then its off to the real world, which will probably closley resemble my last summer, but in a different locale.

So right now, the my life is in interlude, a fathomable distance between two points.

it’s gotta end soon though, because thre’s no way i an handle school anymore.

i came up to check with a professor about registering for his lab, and if anything needed to be done, and the school was having some information festival, like they do every day before the first day in fall quarter. i was flabbergasted at how different it was though. these smiling, bright, recently-freed people were swarming in droves around campus. i’m too old at this school to not be a grad student, and i’ve been here way too long. it’s been 5 years since i was that fresh and new to college and it seems like an eternity ago, and i’m the old dude who wears the same biking outfit to school everyday.

i just feel like my mangling is out of mode these days, and its harder to find manglers to mangle with, and a lack of time to mangle in.

but i’m enjoying the interlude for now, and am enjoying the studio life, so into the fray once more.