i can’t see how this possibly fits in. this, that, anything. how can i ever come to terms if the terms keep shifting? even surrendering sounds like a lost cause. i can’t help but be consumed, try as i might to not be. i am who i am. my head. poor me, i suppose. left with nothing but what i supply for myself. that should be enough ammo. nothing seems wrong, yet nothing seems right. where to go now?

give it time, give it time. this too shall pass.

and then?

i always felt kurt vonnegut had such a huge impact on how i look at life, how much influence granfalloons and karasses have on my life, and how everything can be beautiful, and nothing hurts.

so it goes…

I realize this blog has been becoming a bit esoteric lately. i’m writing down all these thoughts i’m having, but haven’t really been documenting what has been going on, and sometimes i can discern it just by reading it, but other times i can’t. yet i only tend to write when the ideas hit me, because everything else seems so mundane. i feel like i need to try and document some things that go on in my life, to try and capture the mundane details, because someday when i’m 40 i want to read this and be able to look back with mostly embarrassment. hell, i already do now. but while my thoughts are facinating, i think i like reading the ones with stories and events more, and i think it is my job to try and write them accordingly.

so anyways, i think i’ll try and document my trip to Austin a couple of weeks ago, maybe some impressions, but we shall see.

our journey began at 4 in the morning, actually, it started earlier. hop scotch was the night before and i had some delicious beers at this cool theater in fremont. it was definatley the classiest fest i had been to with its dark walls and banners. well i guess besides hops and props, which has just put itself at a class level right above where i want to reside (or pay for).

so i spent some time there with the usual crowd, along with adam’s parents, which was strange but awesome. heather and i drank there for awhile and decided on the way home that denny’s was a great idea, and it was. we got to my parents house at about 2 am, napped for 2 hours, then drove to the airport to catch our flight at 6:30 am. spending a day going through security checkpoints, waiting to get on planes, and being on planes makes days fuzzy. airports are awesome though, with such a diverse crowd and plenty of drama to listen in on. i like to spend my airport time reading though, it just feels like a great time to do it. screw in-flight movies, i’d rather get another 200 pages through my book. i am still trying to tackle this monster of a book called infinite jest though, and while a spectacular book, is very thick in size and material. i only got about 400 pages in with probably 12 hours of reading, which is definitely not my normal pace. but so worth it.

we got to austin though, and my bro, liz, and cooper (my nephew) picked us up and we headed to their casa. i don’t know if its the proximity to the river (it probably is) but all of the area around austin we drove in was very green. not like the dark green of washington evergreens, but the lighter green of new grass, low hanging scrub bushes, and tons of oak trees. we were there for the beginning of spring, so it was in the 70’s a little humid, but it felt great outside, with a nice sunny day to greet us.. we got to evan’s place, which is pretty run down, but cheap and full of character. it was a great place to stay a couple nights, and was very comfortable.

eating was the major activity of this trip. it would be safe to say that we were mostly food tourists. and why not? the food was so cheap because they don’t have to pay their staff. texas is one of those right-to-work states where you basically sign away your right to really be paid by the hour and have to work for tips. my bro is working at one of the hip resturants, kind of a cafe with awesome queso. it’s basically just cheese sauce with guacamole and pico de gallo, but it is really good and it seems to be on alot of menus in the area. it pairs good with migas, which are basically a scrambled omelette eaten with tortillas. on the first night though, we had some bbq from the green mesquite though, where you can go and order plates of meat. and delicious they were, along with the fried okra and pinto beans.

the next day was a little overcast, but still warm so we were taken to a natural pool called hamilton pool, which was only 40 minutes away from where evan lived. it was still really green out there, and there was a little bit of a hike down to the pool, and it was a pretty cool sight, with the bottom of a cliff wall impacted so far in to create a shelf that stuck out over the pool, and a little water fall on half of it. there were translucent fish, turtles, bugs, all sorts of leaves in the pool, all adding to the ambiance of the area. i spent alot of time just floating in the pool and exploring, it was a great time.

later that night we met up with liz’s sister and her dad and went to a great dinner at this italian place called the tree house, because it had this gigantic oak tree siting out over their veranda, and the restaurant. of course we had another delicious meal, and had a chance to chat. cooper pretty much demanded that he be carried by someone who was standing, i thought that was awesome. i’m sure he’s going to grow up to be quite the character. he was looking so pimp in this outfit we got him, with the pink button up shirt and blue tie. he really liked chewing on the tie. we stopped by a place called the draught house, which was a great pub in austin. the kind with dark wood everything, signs everywhere, and close to a hundred taps behind the bar.

let me take this oppertunity to speak of the beer i found there. i remember the first night we went to a place called the H.E.B (the heeb) and i checked out the local flavors. a brewery called Real Ale, made some pretty good beer, but their beer had a less robust, more subdued flavor to them. which was good, but doesn’t always get my motor going. another i tried was called St. Arnold, and their IPA was bomb, so sweet, and filled with overtones of orange, and a deep wood taste, and a balanced bitterness. that was definitely the micro of the trip. on the more awesome end of the spectrum was Lone Star Beer, which was just pabst with a different label. it was sweeter though, and not bad at all. one of my fond memories from the trip was, heather, my bro and i standing over the sink with a can of lone star apiece, and shotgunning them. it was so classy.

i think that night we sat around a southwest fire pit, which is a contraption called a chiminea that is a clay chimney with a bulbous bottom and a giant gaping hole in the front. they’re great because the air flow pushes the smoke straight up and helps the fire burn hot, and keeps the smoke out of your face. we spent more than some time out there, with it mostly ending up being me and my brother, talking, drinking, and smoking. definitely the second high point of the trip (right below meeting and hangin’ with cooper).

the next day we took a little trip around the town, checking out stores, and going to eat at my brother’s cafe. delicious queso…man it was so good there. after we went to a few shops and visted the flagship whole foods, we made our way to a movie theater that evan goes to pretty regularly, because they do most of the indie screening. they also serve you food and beer at your seat, which was awesome. i had an anchor steam barleywine i knew had to cost more than 4.50 a pint, and relished that while eating a basket of queso fries. after the movie, we went to a place called the elephant house, which was a jazz club . it was a monday night, so it wasn’t crowded and they had alot of local talent that would show up and play. all the performers were pretty tight, they all sounded good, and the vibe of the club was really chill.

and that about wraps it up. we woke up the next day, went to a tex/mex place for breakfast, and we had another fun filled day flying and doing the airport blur. i really enjoyed this trip, everything wasn’t rushed, and it was relaxing. more trips should be like this.

i think there’s some swans that are sitting on the roof across the way, with ribbons in their mouths. they look across at me, impatiently. they are looking to free me, but have no means to do so on their own. they have already kept their end of the bargain. i have to put forth some effort to get to the point where i can grasp that ribbon and fly, fly away. they will have to wait though, as will i.

the periphery will never do though, it has to be through the center. when the ribbon is tied around the center, things are at their most stable. tie it to the side and it gets awkward. the swans understand this, as do i, and yet the impatience still grows. i don’t even know where they want to take me, but that’s part of the appeal, right? surrender.

if i could go wherever i wanted and do whatever i wanted, what would it be? these choices i make, what kind of impact will they have. i feel it would be so little, but i might be trying to focus with blinders on, i can’t tell. i’m sick of evaluating and re-evaluating things i deal with on a daily basis, inevitabilities and compromises that clash to make a palatable life.

go with the swans, send them off without, it feels like a choice. it acts and smells like a choice. and yet something is wrong with all these choices, something devoid of meaning. a great indifference that smiles benevolently from wherever it wants to. and this screaming indifference feeds into this vicious cycle and generates anger and hopelessness to the all-consuming point where they disappear. and then it goes away, to be replaced by another feeling/emotion that will look at the same idea from a different perspective, draw basically the same conclusions with a different spin and leave it to flounder comfortably until you feel like turning your attention to it again.

i look at the swans again and instead of impatience, they look with compassion. something must have changed their minds but i can’t for the life of me think what it is. so i give them a little wave.

it’s april.