i think there’s some swans that are sitting on the roof across the way, with ribbons in their mouths. they look across at me, impatiently. they are looking to free me, but have no means to do so on their own. they have already kept their end of the bargain. i have to put forth some effort to get to the point where i can grasp that ribbon and fly, fly away. they will have to wait though, as will i.

the periphery will never do though, it has to be through the center. when the ribbon is tied around the center, things are at their most stable. tie it to the side and it gets awkward. the swans understand this, as do i, and yet the impatience still grows. i don’t even know where they want to take me, but that’s part of the appeal, right? surrender.

if i could go wherever i wanted and do whatever i wanted, what would it be? these choices i make, what kind of impact will they have. i feel it would be so little, but i might be trying to focus with blinders on, i can’t tell. i’m sick of evaluating and re-evaluating things i deal with on a daily basis, inevitabilities and compromises that clash to make a palatable life.

go with the swans, send them off without, it feels like a choice. it acts and smells like a choice. and yet something is wrong with all these choices, something devoid of meaning. a great indifference that smiles benevolently from wherever it wants to. and this screaming indifference feeds into this vicious cycle and generates anger and hopelessness to the all-consuming point where they disappear. and then it goes away, to be replaced by another feeling/emotion that will look at the same idea from a different perspective, draw basically the same conclusions with a different spin and leave it to flounder comfortably until you feel like turning your attention to it again.

i look at the swans again and instead of impatience, they look with compassion. something must have changed their minds but i can’t for the life of me think what it is. so i give them a little wave.