one of those days…mayhaps the full moon? the fact that clouds have been in the sky for three days straight meaning that the direct sunlight we have been receiving for two months straight has been cut off? Mercury in retrograde? it could be anything, but people are antsy. hell, i’m antsy. it’s why i’m here. i talked in my last post about my mind railing against my surroundings, and for the moment, i can see the other side of that coin.

previously my mind was railing against it’s situation by denying it any credence. by temporarily shutting it out. then, somehow, the floodgates reverse, and i see that my mind can rail against this seeming futility by creation. what better way to laugh in the face of futility than by trying to contribute something to it?

and yet, what to create? it can be anything, i just have to try and create a little order out of chaos as opposed to the other way around. which is the obvious root, now that i state it like that. the more i think about that statement, the more i consider it the root of most statements, declarations, actions, being. it’s simple, but it doesn’t feel like oversimplification. it smacks of truth, but i think it’s too general to achieve that level. i accept it as a mostly-truth. because if i start committing to 100% truths, then somehow perfection is achieved, and then i am only able to see things perfectly.

snap out of it, you’re becoming a cliche.

you did come here to be imaginative though, you consider yourself some sort of writer since it is one of the few things you do on a semi-regular basis. but if i didn’t have this, i would probably not keep the writing knife sharp, because writing things longhand takes so much time, and there’s no perceived audience for a journal. so i have that to be thankful for, a place to regurgitate all the ideas i consume, a place to gather thoughts and put them in order. i mean, that whole order and chaos thing? i’m not mentally fit enough to keep track of explaining those kind of ideas to myself without making a physical representation of them.

look at what you write though. so directionless, so misguided at times. i see people all over the internet writing about very specific ideas, some even based exclusively upon facts. i sit at this keyboard, this portal, at this location, and dissect my ideas. trying to find out what makes them what they are and collecting more of them in an attempt to gain more perspective by power in numbers.

so i keep an open mind, and go out to collect some more specimens for dissection, while reminding myself to keep a sense of humor and smile a little, dammit. things are getting better. sometimes, you can just feel these things.