open for business!

i don’t know what kind, but the phrase has a ring to it, something that is jibing with how i’m feeling today. which is a little past ridiculous, but not so far gone as to be irrational. we’ll see about that though. i can work myself up to an irrational state pretty quickly sometimes. consider it an exercise of self-control, if that makes any sense.

it might be the Halloween factor, but there is madness in the air, pushing in from my core and interacting with the rest of it that surrounds me. shapes, forms, ideas all reacting to how i observe them, changing. it’s there to amuse me, as far as i can tell. it doesn’t have much other use. all i can do is look at, and decide to care or not. for now, let’s take the not care side. it’s what i think of myself most of the time. an indifferent person who doesn’t really care most of the time, but puts on a damn fine facade. the defenses i have put up to allow me to live as some small part of everything around me. coping mechanisms galore, refined for years. i have absolutely no frame of reference, but it seems to be working. it’s worked so well for so long, it dominates through its extensive use.

then there’s the recessive care side. a part of me that wants acceptance, craves attention, and wants to be right. he’s there, but when he comes out, he’s not arrogant enough to really be respected, just ridiculed. so back to the dominant side, the more comfortable one. both sides can’t really read people, so of course the cocksure one is going to fail. only through silence can i get people to listen to me. people start assuming things when you shut up, in much better ways than i could express them. this side battles with the dominant, who lords over the side that wants to be acknowledged, snickers in a worldy manner and says “how’s that going for ya?”. very well, thank you sir, now let me go back to caring intensely about everything.

the only way i can see this working is because i want it to. what difference does it make, and who really cares? this is me we’re talking about here people, me. dissecting my social interactivity is a pretty banal course of action to be taking, but here i am anyways. blithely not caring while declaring the opposite, as the existence of this piece of writing can be taken either way. it depends on the feeling of the day. feeling du jour, if you will. tomorrow i could be anxious, regretful, excited, coherent, any feeling in a spectrum residing between dead and alive. i’ll go through that, just like everyday, trying to avoid catastrophe of some kind, and i’ll be reasonably happy while i do it. again, another choice i have made. occasionally, my ideas of happy and what it means to exist on earth will pop it’s head out, and i’ll pat him on the head a few times, placate him some.

yes, this is ridiculous.

yes, this is all pretty silly.

great point there! now go back to sleep for a bit.

and it will. cycles. cycles. cycles. infinity is cycles. my life is infinite in that regard. it doesn’t care that it is, it cares that it isn’t. i have stated this a million times already and i’ll state it a million times more, because i have nothing else to do in this life but cycle through the things i have been, the things i am, and the things i will be. one to the next and back again. it experiences said things, digests, excretes and gets back to experiencing. it creates a catalog for me, effortlessly. which is great because i’m lazy. all these things happen if i show up, and it’s even better if i don’t have to plan it.

what i want out of life is pretty simple, but i like to take ridiculous and complex ways of getting there. it creates a sense of viability, which is about all i have going for me. get viable with it, yo. you da man. stupid words, go form yourself somewhere else.

suddenly, this all comes rushing back to loving life, unconditionally, and the beast is placated.

i was at my grandfather’s house the other day, trying to get his VCR to work with recording which meant cycling through many menus on various pieces of hardware and lots of wire swapping. on one of the menus was the picture control, that i’ve seen a million times on almost any TV i’ve ever dealt with. but this time “contrast” jumped out at me. i don’t know why, but it seeded some thinking that i’m still turning over in my head, so come here and barf it out, right?

contrast gives me some boundaries in which to define my thoughts and ideas. most of my thoughts are spent comparing one thing to another, making imaginary lines of contrast in my reasoning. i just see it everywhere now, attacking all of my senses…sounds, sights, smells all looking to be ordered in my head, given a place compared to everything else. so i do it, what else do i have going on?

but i see it now, contrast in humanity. to what end though? that’s the part i’m having trouble with. i see it, but it doesn’t do anything. just a nifty little observation right now, but it feels like there should be something about it, something that will make me a better, more insightful person. if i can only single it out, create some contrast to other things…but how am i supposed to contrast contrast? is it such a central idea, so relative in nature that all i can do is point at it? what the hell do i mean anyways when i say “better, more insightful person”? arrrgh! why do i do anything?

surprise existential attack! merciless void, give me some meaning i don’t really want and wouldn’t know what to do with anyways! scream at the heavens all you want in this medium, accomplishing something and nothing, simultaneously. everything i do accomplishes something and nothing. you clever, clever boy. and what of it? allright enough dumping, think a little and make some thought out sentences, dummy.

it all boils down to being that kid, endlessly asking “why?” about anything said to them, even if there is no why, even if it’s not something that makes sense to ask “why?” to. asking why for why’s sake. a statement has been made, you might as well question it. so go ahead, question your life and it’s meaning. at least there’s some wiggle room. life would be much more frightening if there were a definitive (as opposed to subjective) point. it would be too concrete, and would just give people one more thing to be endlessly righteous about. i gotta admit, it’s tough being endlessly righteous about nothing, but i soldier on, i soldier on.

why?

because i can.

why?

it beats the alternative.

why?

the inevitable response: just because.

Is there time for this? of course, if i set some aside for it.

And…swish.

The amount of time is something to consider though. got nothing to do? check. limited resources to do other things considering your environment? check. an itch to write something, anything, consequences be damned? check and check.

I guess i’d like to just throw out some things i did on my vacation, because i did alot and it will be hard to remember a decade from now just how great this vacation was at such an idyllic point in my life. just the highlights in the order i remember them though, i’ll let my imagination fill in the gaps later in my life. Playing ladder ball for the first time. Trying to drain a keg of Dos Equis between two people. Seeing the Portland Jr. that is northern Boise, and getting to a park fair in time to witness the Statewide Footbag championships (crudely known as Hacky Sack) and being totally amazed. Running up Camel’s Back and seeing all of Boise from the top of it. Going running with Lucy, Aubree and Hazen’s dog every morning i was there. Being randomly selected for a security screening moments before getting back on the plane to Seattle, and hearing some surfer in his 50’s saying “why are they checking him, because he’s got a rad hat?”. driving to Portland, and staying at a mostly full house, with loads of relaxing and running around with my nephew. going to a bar called the ship (an awesome dive), and finding a place i ended up calling “johnny’s world” the shadiest place i had ever seen which may have had the largest selections of 22’s ever (along with a rad bookcase filled with the staff’s weekly picks) and me buying 12 of them. Heading to the Oregon coast and gettin’ some debauchery done in the motel 6. going to Seaside, eating a huge breakfast at the Pig n’ Pancake, and Heather and I spending 20 bucks at the arcade there, mostly on ticket winning games, which we ended up giving to some kid before we left. Going to Ft. Stevens and running around the old fort that used to be there back until world war II, with cannons and creepy concrete darkness abound, but good walking to do around the area where the Colombia meets the Pacific. Staying the night in Astoria, and having the Rogue Public Ale House to ourselves, and listening to the multitude of sea lions lounging and barking away throughout the night. driving up to long beach and buying my first airfoil (parachute) kite and having a blast flying it. driving home, dropping off heather for a bachelorette party and ending up staying up until 4:30 at Joe’s the first night and then doing absolutely nothing saturday. brewing two batches of filthy blonde at once on sunday, and then kicking it some more before going back to work, and not really dreading it. this was all interspersed with amazing meals, home cooked and bought.

man, that drained me, recall can be tiring.