Category Archives: Uncategorized

got busy again, guess that’s why i haven’t been here in awhile, or the fact that i don’t really have a whole lot to say. i guess my omebrewing has been coming along better these days, but that’s about the only thing i have been putting effort into lately. i’ll probably try out an IPA i made with some help tonight, see how it goes, i think this one will be a good brew as well.

it has been rainy, like almost every other day, which is nice, but keeps me from really doing any activity but running. biking in the rain is fine, but only for like 10 miles, then it gets harrowing. climbing in the rain can’t be done without risk of sever injury. so last week i went to a climbing gym with my buddy. we made the mistake of going at night on a weekday, so it was hella crowded and the granfalloon was so tight knit that i got more than my share of dirty stares, but there were some nice people there as well. i think gym climbing could be fun, just without all the elitism. i think that can be said for alot of things though.

i went and saw the monty python musical a couple of days ago, and was more than plesantly surprised. it had the humor of monty python, along with just other jibes at the broadway musical in general. a song about broadway songs is funny, but kind of expected in a satire. a song about needing a jew to have a successful musical was not, complete with huge flashing star of david. it was a fun show, and the crowd definitely consisted of more monty python fans than musical fans. everyone knew the words to “always look on the bright side of life”.

work!

man, it is beautiful outside, truly the best time of year in the northwest.brilliant shades of orange, yellow and red layered against light blue skies. temperatures that are very comfortable with pants and a light jacket, and the modest warmth of the sun sharply contrasted by the chilliness of the shade. when it’s not wet out, this is absolutely ideal riding weather. and winter brews are finally hitting stores! i love this time of year.

i can taste the jolly roger…

free my mind!

i guess it wants to be, but it hardly ever knows what is best for it. i need something smooth to wash over me, to let it slide over, fill in the cracks, flush out the crap. too much anger, an i never know what to do with it. irrational anger that would seemingly have no possible outlet, there has to be some reason for it. it makes me want to disappear, and stew in it for a bit. actually, i’d spend it with my dog because she is outside of this system.

i think that is why pets are so beloved, the lack of judgement. the only basis they use to judge you is so simple. if you treat them nicely play with them and feed them then they will judge you as a good person. if you neglect them and mistreat them, then they will judge you as a bad person. it’s just simpler. i like that simplicity. there’s too much complexity in my world.

wtih that complexity comes more complex forms of happiness, but also more complex forms of everything else. i’m already mired in complexity, with no way out, but to maybe drop a few things along my journey. of course when something is offloaded, it leaves more room to pick up some more stuff.

and i just can’t help picking up more shiny objects.

let’s just see what i can bang out in the next couple of minutes, because i can only passively read the internet for so long before my brain starts feeling fuzzy.

timing. man, i could have been so mind-boggling efficient today, but the timing was off. it happens, and it is out of my control. but it really shouldn’t matter, either way, it’s gonna get done. the timely fashion is just a bonus.

anxiety. it comes out of nowhere for no reason lately, and i want to try and control something that i don’t want to work hard enough to really take care of. at least i started running again, which really helps keep my stupid brain under control. left to its own devices, it is a dangerous beast.

continuity. one thought streaming to the next for seemingly no reason at all, for reasons that i dictate and are unaware of at the same time. i ams who i ams, and that’s all i can be.

height. make it tall, strive for the most sunlight, the best position, the best view. be that tallness that gives you unlimited sight and a sense of lofty creativity. reaching for heights previously imagined, but never realized.

sonic. the noise to make things heard, but not necessarily clear. bring out the sonic boom!

purpose. a purpose driven life to be sure, because without purpose, what is life? i feel like i should say without life, what is purpose? mostly because they are the same ridiculous question teeming with incredulous ideas. they are what they are.

discovery. find something, name it, tag it and bag it. classify everything, because it needs it, craves it, desires it above all else. to be called by its true name, the one that everyone inherently knows.

inane. this, and pretty much everything else you can think of.

i have to get this down, right now, as i am still in idea forming stages and need to get something down about this. i read frivey-time dreaming and it hit me that there is a way to blend libertarianism with socialism. i have been thinking about it since i started pondering libertarianism, because i like it’s ideas, but still grappling with the holes that come with a black and white society, and i knew there must be a better way of expressing the ideas that are so simple and pure. it seems very contradictory, but out of libertarianism, springs forth socialism. where similar groups of people living in a secure society are allowed to express their freedom to find each other and end up living in that idealized socialist society that’s straight out of the grapes of wrath.

not because a government forces it, but because it is chosen, and that makes all the difference. it ends up being a micro socialist society because it is easier to divide labor than do everything on your own, and property is not plundered if you are giving it to a trusted friend, who has given to you more times than you can count, and both sides know it doesn’t even matter.

of course i am just throwing this out there and know there is probably some way to refute this, but it feel right to me, and that’s all i got to go on for now. maybe this is friv, and i don’t even know it.

wanna watch me?

i trudge through the tears of millions of men, they infuse me, they fill me with sorrow. i trudge through with a feeling of elation, as the tears are not mine, yet still roll down my back with a raindrop style as if staring at a window on a rainy day.

i am up to my knees in the sorrows of mankind and find myself at a loss. to keep on pushing through because the reason to knowing why is not something that needs to be understood, only briefly glimpsed through the dawn of realization, that these sorrows are not mine, but are still an empty empire upon which to trod, as a path to follow.

i am that person, the undiluted paragon of greatness, as only i can know. i am strong, and i am weak, it doesn’t matter which because they are the same. that which does not kill me can only make me weaker or some shit like that. i race towards that finish line, slogging through the tears and woes of mankind and i follow the trail blazed by a million before me, and a million behind me, standing in line to reach my nirvana.

taking the trail that deviates from time to time, but ends up at the same destination, with the same realizations at the end of the road whether i had taken the direct or indirect route. i know this because it is inevitable. as different as i would like to believe i am, there can only be one major revelation that everyone must experience because there can be no other way.

there is no describing, there is no tangible evidence to point to. only a feeling. that feeling of joy, of sorrow, the one that is always present in the back of your mind and doesn’t bother you per se, but is a constant reminder of what it means to be human, of what it means to be free. the constrains of what it are irrelevant, it is only a guideline, an outline of everything that already is.

and wandering is the only way to do it, because there is no compass, no landmarks, only that which you cannot see, that which is only an intangible feeling, the touch of life that streams through everything around you, and everything that ever existed. you are a cog in that machine, and acceptance or rejection will make no difference, because consciousness is only a myth.

if you could speak loudly, much more so than you ever imagined, being able to scream with decibels that make mars jealous as he tries to contact us from his distant outpost, with only a pool of water and an abandoned viking spacecraft to facilitate his needs. to scream as no one has ever heard, but whose sound is undeniably something you have heard a million times. to be able to have clarity beyond measure, distinction beyond division and the promiscuity to be everywhere.

it exists this voice, it is only waiting to be (cliche) realized, to be held over the cauldron, and examined, one more thing to add to the pot of gods, the final ingredient that is going to make this stew perfect beyond perfection. the one ingredient that is missing to realize what it means, as a whole. to not only understand why it was made in the first place, but to wonder why you even wanted to make it with these ingredients.

sitr, stir, stir and pull out something that you have been waiting for, but also longing for, because it is of your own creation. scoop up some of those tears, those woes, those sorrows, and blend it with a food processor, because it needs to be homogenized to be realized. fall to the ground at it’s glory, praise the heavens for being offered this chance, this chance to experience everything from an experienced perspective. to soar above everything that has ever undone itself inadvertently and had no intention of doing it otherwise. to be able to wander, wonder and wild out on whatever wants your will to be. because the terms are loose, malleable, and ready to be sculpted.

beyond measure, beyond what is right and wrong, only what is. to be able to wallow in that isness and be a part of everything that you ever wanted to, because they are welcoming you with open arms and smiles of glory. unbridled joy that the joke has been on you, and will continue to be. to be. come and be a part, no decisions necessary, because it’s already happened. it doesn’t matter if it’s unrealized or not, untrue or not. because the truth will try and drag you under in its concreteness and should always be taken with a grain of salt since eternity is a moment for only one joke.

and if you cannot laugh, you are lost.

smile 🙂

let’s make a deal! i’ll type something, and blogger will post it, regardless of what is in it. deal.

just like that, summer is over. the only thing we need now is for it to get dark around here at 4:30 which is pretty close to about a month away, but it’s time for a change of weather, since this summer didn’t really get it together to really be a summer, we might as well have the cool temperatures and rain. just hold out for one more weekend on the rain, please? i’d really like to go climbing in the great outdoors.

so how are things going on your front? holding down sir, thank you very much. i’ve been reading like crazy the past week, as i finally managed to get that bolus of infinte jest through. i don’t feel like an inferior reader anymore and went through half of on the road reading for about 5 hours. that book certainly reads different now than it did 8 years ago. nothing really life shattering though, just fun to read again without that sense of dread, of feeling like i have to set aside a huge chunk of time because it takes a half hour just to get warmed up again.

my body feels well again, i feel well again. one thing i remember very distinctly from infinite jest was the idea of feeling emotions. whereas most people can moderate their emotions, there are the extremes of feeling nothing, and feeling everything. even people who have feelings in moderation tend to swing from one extreme to the other, how far just depends on how you’re wired.

feeling nothing would entail just that. nothing interests you, and you don’t want to do anything, and that paralyzes you. this is pretty bad, but isn’t terrible, you can still function in society, even if it does take effort to do it. feeling everything though, you experience everything, can’t filter it, can’t turn it off, and that paralyzes you. so in one instance your emotions are off and you can’t turn them on, and in the other your emotions are on and you can’t turn them off.

it describes this inability to turn off as ‘the blackness’, and tries to describe it as just that, something black, something so horrible as to render you immobile, frightened all the time, doing anything to avoid it.

i feel like i get both sides of this from time to time. something triggers it, and it just happens. i wonder if there are pockets in my brain, which are mostly used for chemical storage. not intentionally, but with all the growing my brain has done, and genetics and what not, maybe there are natural places for chemicals to eddy, like a river cutting through the earth to reach the ocean. it isn’t going to be a straight line, and places for water to collect will form. these chemicals eddy until a huge downpour of something comes through, and purges the cavity, allowing these previously held chemicals to flow free wherever gravity and intramolecular forces to react as they can and will. and they eventually break down and are respired, and the cycle starts again.

all these cycles i see, all these common occurrences and what do i do with them? mostly point and say, ‘gee wiz, isn’t that neat?’ i wonder if there’s anything else i can do though? predict what’s going to happen? maybe a little, but i can’t see it making that much of a difference. seeing that train while you’re tied to the tracks only let’s you know when it’s going to hit.

the key is to get untied before you can even feel the train coming, but untying yourself is tough when you have no idea where to start, and you’re left to your own devices.