i always felt kurt vonnegut had such a huge impact on how i look at life, how much influence granfalloons and karasses have on my life, and how everything can be beautiful, and nothing hurts.

so it goes…

I realize this blog has been becoming a bit esoteric lately. i’m writing down all these thoughts i’m having, but haven’t really been documenting what has been going on, and sometimes i can discern it just by reading it, but other times i can’t. yet i only tend to write when the ideas hit me, because everything else seems so mundane. i feel like i need to try and document some things that go on in my life, to try and capture the mundane details, because someday when i’m 40 i want to read this and be able to look back with mostly embarrassment. hell, i already do now. but while my thoughts are facinating, i think i like reading the ones with stories and events more, and i think it is my job to try and write them accordingly.

so anyways, i think i’ll try and document my trip to Austin a couple of weeks ago, maybe some impressions, but we shall see.

our journey began at 4 in the morning, actually, it started earlier. hop scotch was the night before and i had some delicious beers at this cool theater in fremont. it was definatley the classiest fest i had been to with its dark walls and banners. well i guess besides hops and props, which has just put itself at a class level right above where i want to reside (or pay for).

so i spent some time there with the usual crowd, along with adam’s parents, which was strange but awesome. heather and i drank there for awhile and decided on the way home that denny’s was a great idea, and it was. we got to my parents house at about 2 am, napped for 2 hours, then drove to the airport to catch our flight at 6:30 am. spending a day going through security checkpoints, waiting to get on planes, and being on planes makes days fuzzy. airports are awesome though, with such a diverse crowd and plenty of drama to listen in on. i like to spend my airport time reading though, it just feels like a great time to do it. screw in-flight movies, i’d rather get another 200 pages through my book. i am still trying to tackle this monster of a book called infinite jest though, and while a spectacular book, is very thick in size and material. i only got about 400 pages in with probably 12 hours of reading, which is definitely not my normal pace. but so worth it.

we got to austin though, and my bro, liz, and cooper (my nephew) picked us up and we headed to their casa. i don’t know if its the proximity to the river (it probably is) but all of the area around austin we drove in was very green. not like the dark green of washington evergreens, but the lighter green of new grass, low hanging scrub bushes, and tons of oak trees. we were there for the beginning of spring, so it was in the 70’s a little humid, but it felt great outside, with a nice sunny day to greet us.. we got to evan’s place, which is pretty run down, but cheap and full of character. it was a great place to stay a couple nights, and was very comfortable.

eating was the major activity of this trip. it would be safe to say that we were mostly food tourists. and why not? the food was so cheap because they don’t have to pay their staff. texas is one of those right-to-work states where you basically sign away your right to really be paid by the hour and have to work for tips. my bro is working at one of the hip resturants, kind of a cafe with awesome queso. it’s basically just cheese sauce with guacamole and pico de gallo, but it is really good and it seems to be on alot of menus in the area. it pairs good with migas, which are basically a scrambled omelette eaten with tortillas. on the first night though, we had some bbq from the green mesquite though, where you can go and order plates of meat. and delicious they were, along with the fried okra and pinto beans.

the next day was a little overcast, but still warm so we were taken to a natural pool called hamilton pool, which was only 40 minutes away from where evan lived. it was still really green out there, and there was a little bit of a hike down to the pool, and it was a pretty cool sight, with the bottom of a cliff wall impacted so far in to create a shelf that stuck out over the pool, and a little water fall on half of it. there were translucent fish, turtles, bugs, all sorts of leaves in the pool, all adding to the ambiance of the area. i spent alot of time just floating in the pool and exploring, it was a great time.

later that night we met up with liz’s sister and her dad and went to a great dinner at this italian place called the tree house, because it had this gigantic oak tree siting out over their veranda, and the restaurant. of course we had another delicious meal, and had a chance to chat. cooper pretty much demanded that he be carried by someone who was standing, i thought that was awesome. i’m sure he’s going to grow up to be quite the character. he was looking so pimp in this outfit we got him, with the pink button up shirt and blue tie. he really liked chewing on the tie. we stopped by a place called the draught house, which was a great pub in austin. the kind with dark wood everything, signs everywhere, and close to a hundred taps behind the bar.

let me take this oppertunity to speak of the beer i found there. i remember the first night we went to a place called the H.E.B (the heeb) and i checked out the local flavors. a brewery called Real Ale, made some pretty good beer, but their beer had a less robust, more subdued flavor to them. which was good, but doesn’t always get my motor going. another i tried was called St. Arnold, and their IPA was bomb, so sweet, and filled with overtones of orange, and a deep wood taste, and a balanced bitterness. that was definitely the micro of the trip. on the more awesome end of the spectrum was Lone Star Beer, which was just pabst with a different label. it was sweeter though, and not bad at all. one of my fond memories from the trip was, heather, my bro and i standing over the sink with a can of lone star apiece, and shotgunning them. it was so classy.

i think that night we sat around a southwest fire pit, which is a contraption called a chiminea that is a clay chimney with a bulbous bottom and a giant gaping hole in the front. they’re great because the air flow pushes the smoke straight up and helps the fire burn hot, and keeps the smoke out of your face. we spent more than some time out there, with it mostly ending up being me and my brother, talking, drinking, and smoking. definitely the second high point of the trip (right below meeting and hangin’ with cooper).

the next day we took a little trip around the town, checking out stores, and going to eat at my brother’s cafe. delicious queso…man it was so good there. after we went to a few shops and visted the flagship whole foods, we made our way to a movie theater that evan goes to pretty regularly, because they do most of the indie screening. they also serve you food and beer at your seat, which was awesome. i had an anchor steam barleywine i knew had to cost more than 4.50 a pint, and relished that while eating a basket of queso fries. after the movie, we went to a place called the elephant house, which was a jazz club . it was a monday night, so it wasn’t crowded and they had alot of local talent that would show up and play. all the performers were pretty tight, they all sounded good, and the vibe of the club was really chill.

and that about wraps it up. we woke up the next day, went to a tex/mex place for breakfast, and we had another fun filled day flying and doing the airport blur. i really enjoyed this trip, everything wasn’t rushed, and it was relaxing. more trips should be like this.

i think there’s some swans that are sitting on the roof across the way, with ribbons in their mouths. they look across at me, impatiently. they are looking to free me, but have no means to do so on their own. they have already kept their end of the bargain. i have to put forth some effort to get to the point where i can grasp that ribbon and fly, fly away. they will have to wait though, as will i.

the periphery will never do though, it has to be through the center. when the ribbon is tied around the center, things are at their most stable. tie it to the side and it gets awkward. the swans understand this, as do i, and yet the impatience still grows. i don’t even know where they want to take me, but that’s part of the appeal, right? surrender.

if i could go wherever i wanted and do whatever i wanted, what would it be? these choices i make, what kind of impact will they have. i feel it would be so little, but i might be trying to focus with blinders on, i can’t tell. i’m sick of evaluating and re-evaluating things i deal with on a daily basis, inevitabilities and compromises that clash to make a palatable life.

go with the swans, send them off without, it feels like a choice. it acts and smells like a choice. and yet something is wrong with all these choices, something devoid of meaning. a great indifference that smiles benevolently from wherever it wants to. and this screaming indifference feeds into this vicious cycle and generates anger and hopelessness to the all-consuming point where they disappear. and then it goes away, to be replaced by another feeling/emotion that will look at the same idea from a different perspective, draw basically the same conclusions with a different spin and leave it to flounder comfortably until you feel like turning your attention to it again.

i look at the swans again and instead of impatience, they look with compassion. something must have changed their minds but i can’t for the life of me think what it is. so i give them a little wave.

it’s april.

wander…

minds do it, i do it. i feel like it right now. just start walking and go someplace new, someplace i’ve been before, anywhere, just to include motion.

motion…

the ability to keep moving, with the potential to be kinetic. free or in a system. direct or scenic route. either can be bliss.

bliss…

minds get tired, but only lapsing for the moment. the activity of daily rituals drains minds of anything tangible. and i stare into space, thankful to just be sitting for a moment, unreflective. and yet here comes the reflection. but what noun do i choose?

stand on top of a ladder, look out to sea, if you happen to be on a coastline. take in the sights and the sounds as the area around you assaults what you may perceive. the crash of the surf, the glitter of the sea with the sun upon it’s semi-permeable surface. feel the squeak of sand as you sprint towards the ocean at frightening speeds. as the seagull calls, stop. glancing up, notice the sky, and how the ocean looked infinite.

words try to form but get caught by cubes and pyramids, thing slightly more tangible. not the words, the feeling. the noise, the environment. lackadasical at best. something bad at worst. concieve that which you can hold your head in place and follow through. always with the follow through. keep the shoulders steady, the arms at ready, the hands in a claw, ready to grasp. in that moment , you are ready. in others, no. ready for what? anything. ready? no. ready? not yet. ready? almost. ready? stop pestering me already i’ll get to it when i can. ready? …am i?

no. i mean yes. i mean i don’t know. willpower shaken, questions ripping rifts open to see what lay beyond, some questions rip a little, some a lot and with how much force.

force…

make it happen, despite being ready or not. last person to find the can of sardines has to be the next.an echo chamber, a cacophony, a distraction. where the knapsack can be dropped for a spell, and a nap under an oak tree. real or imagined? doesn’t matter, really. step. step. step. one foot in front of the other. one idea after the next. and progress. make it a daily habit, and you’ll soon see the results you crave. and deserve. keep it in the mix.

tired…

i have been keenly observant of nothing this week. my mind will wander from time to time and my inner monologue will start going off on its own, seemingly almost unsupervised. i say i have been keenly observant of nothing because i look at things, notice a million things i may not have noticed before, then just as quickly dismiss it as the focus of attention is drawn elsewhere.

i notice a ridge in a piece of plastic attached to my computer and am instantly thinking what it would be like if i was a millionth of my size and had to traverse these ridges. what if i took 20 of them or so and made a rough surface of them to sand the rust off my car. what if i strung them onto a piece of thread wrapped onto a frame made of pvc piping to be used as some sort of shoe to walk across water. maybe if i ate it and focused hard enough on my digestion, i could derive nutritional value from it.

random ideas, gone as soon as they are thought of. like my thought process was slown down just enough for each moment to register, before being flitted away. it strikes me as ridiculous, these ideas, and they’re mostly benign, so it’s no big deal. but why does it feel like something is changing, some point of view that i’ve always had is trying to foment itself out of my subconscious and claim its right to the throne as the dominant point of view. not even so much vying for dominance in as much as just being recognized.

no, screw that. i feel that parts of my point of view can be segregated from each other, with partitioning to protect one from the other, but they’re more of a blend. if you watch the ocean, you can see waves coming in cycles dictated by the tides. sometimes they cumulate to make a large wave and get a little more force to erode the earth, and at other times the waves are canceling each other out. cycles dictating how i view the world at a particular time because i allow myself to succumb. succumb for no other reason than it feels right to do so. trying to understand for understanding’s sake.

more understanding that will beget less. poke more holes in the boat while furiously bailing it out to stay afloat. the bigger the boat, the more time you spend manning the pumps. the entire boat is unnecessary to stay afloat though, a life ring will do.

i don’t even know what kind of metaphor i’m trying to make here. i know it has to do with simplifying, but simplifying what? there sure are alot of complex things that could be simplified. i feel blissfully tranquil on the outside, yet something inside is yelling that something wrong is afoot. one voice screaming things could be better, the other screaming that things could be worse.

i think they’re both right.

this is kinda wierd. not having posted for awhile, and finally a little time to do so. work can become all encompassing at times (like, say, when it gets busy) and the brain gets turned off for a bit as coming home becomes a time to shut down, with little room for much else. it just happens, and then it’s march.

and so it goes. there’s not even much to write about which may have been another reason i was avoiding this. i mostly think it was the busy though. i guess one thing i have been turning around up in the ol’ noggin. i re-read the catcher in the rye a couple of weeks ago. i think the first time i read that book was like 8 years ago, so i got a different look at the implications of this very short, but profound book. it made me think about the life i live, coming back to the environment again. and there was one paricular line toward the end that really struck me.

holden had ended up getting ahold of a professor from one of his college stints and after talking for a bit holden was about to take off when the professor told him that alot of people feel lost because they are looking for things that their environment can’t provide, mostly in terms of social interaction. in context of the book, it made alot of sense. there’s a certain phoniness to alot of human interaction, and yet there are just as many other redeeming qualities.

i mean, haven’t you ever felt like you were just caught up in a dance? react this way if this happens. only use body language in these situations. smile. all of the unconscious things we can do, identified, and categorized through language and communication. it cheapens it, yet allows us to better understand.

and then the line between understanding and not comes into view. so much not understood, so much that is, and a million discrepancies in between. doing things you understand may help you get what you want, or keep the undesirables away. manipulation of events that can help or hinder depending on your point of view.

but really, what else is there to keep you distracted? i think elitism fits into the environment that can’t provide what i need, but it must still be useful somehow. i’ll touch on that at a later point though.

dance the dance, and see where it takes you.

so i looked in our fridge today, and took stock of all the water bottles in our fridge. propel, gatorade, evian bottles, all emptied of their original contents, replenished by the tap. while pulling out one of the sporty evian bottles i noticed that if you read “evian” backwards, it was “naive” which immediately brought a smile to my face, as bottled water is a pretty ridiculous concept in the country.

of course i thought i couldn’t have been the first person to notice it, so i took my case to google, which immediately brought me to snopes.com which informed me that it was just a straight up coincidence, where the water is named after the area it is bottled in, Evian-les–Bains, somewhere in France.

it was a fun little mystery though. i certainly sleuthed that one out.

it’s funny.

i look at the title of this blog sometimes and realize why i named it this. it is so fitting that it springs from the screen and punches me in the windpipe. it screams at my hipocracy, and laughs at my weakness. here i sit, something i define, and it still turns against me. it has no other option.

even if i sit here, judgement will find me. it is judgement through my own means, through a construct i have tried to shape and define. and that is what i am left with. no regret, just shallowness. unrepentant shallowness. i define what i want to be, i let it be known what i want. and i am left defining that screen through my actions, through my choices. i am nothing but what i reveal. and yet i am not.

i am whatever i want, but it is too much to keep track of on my own. so i leave it in the hands of others. there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with that. i delegate so much of my daily life to others that its second nature now. delegation is what makes human society work so well, why shouldn’t i be affluent in that currency?

what if you were short a bit though? then what? about all you could do would be to adjust and thrive. try it out, see how it feels, see if it fits your construct. because you will only stand for what you can justify at the time. integrate it if it fits the construct, reject it otherwise. sometimes it is 1 or 0. answer 1 and check out that sweet bell-curve. our most complex motions can be predicted by simple math. only because of simple choices though. the more varibles, the more chances for error.

i feel a bit short, and yet the fault lies with me. and really, that’s probably how it should be. at least i got that going for me.

ring….ring….ring……ring…….ring……RING……..RING…….RING……

whoops, somebody left their phone sitting around with someone sitting on the other end desperately trying to make contact. maybe they’ll pick up on the fourth time you’ve tried calling.

ring-ding-dong, ring-a-ling-ding-ding-dong

anyways, i’ve got a few more minutes to burn here before i make a run for the border. i think it has pretty much successfully been done. maybe someday soon i’ll be inspired to write something of substance.

don’t hold your breath.